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-KayJuran-
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 Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 9:06 pm Post subject: Sea shanty/ballad to go with my story |
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Right, here it is. It's not finished but i just wondered what people thought of it so far. The first verse repeats at the end - but the middle hasn't been finished. Here goes...
There was a man, nigh sixty years.
Nigh sixty years had he.
And not quite almost sixty years,
He had spent out at sea.
With the moon in his eyes,
An oar in his hand,
He was born a sailor's child.
He dreamt of foreign places,
Then saw those foreigh isles.
what do you think? alright for a bard...?  |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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New update!
There is a man, nigh sixty years.
Nigh sixty years has he.
And not quite almost sixty years,
He has spent out at sea.
With the moon in his eyes,
An oar in his hand,
He was born a sailor's child.
He dreamt of foreign places,
Then saw those foreigh isles.
Knowledge of these cultures,
Came quickly unto him.
The written and the spoken word,
And what it takes to sin.
He trades freely with the locals,
For their silks and their fine wines.
And counts himself as lucky,
For how he spent his time.
But now he lies in slumber,
A peace that man forgets.
His mind and body drifting,
Above the ocean bed.
There was a man, nigh sixty years,
Nigh sixty years had he,
And not quite almost sixty years,
He had been out at sea.
still needs work but it's getting there... |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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I like this, but there's just one quick thing that jumped out at me.
There was a man, nigh sixty years,
Nigh sixty years had he,
And not quite almost sixty years,
He had been out at sea.
That last line doesn't fit in with the rythym. It would fit better as either "Had he been at sea" or "Has he been at sea" (whichever fits your idea, I didn't know whether it should be past tense or present tense) |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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do you think so? i hadn't thought of that but then i'm losing my english what with all the languages im learning! i wanted the emphasis on the last line to be on the second word (syllable) which would have been 'had'.
feel free to point out anything else!   |
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