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Defiance (Chapter 3)



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Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:00 am
Maddy says...



NOTE: The second chapter is not up, due to a malfunction on my sister's computer. I don't know if I can recover the file yet, but since the third one is finished, I thought I'd post it. For those who have read the first chapter, you only need to read the second chapter spoiler.

NOTENOTE: The title has changed! :)

First chapter:
Spoiler! :
Thoro Tor is a poor, misunderstood boy- labelled an outcast by adults, especially by his teacher. It's because he hasn't developed any magical abilites. Most do so by the age of eleven, but Thoro is thirteen and so far nothing has happened. In class, his friend Box (a orange-haired, chubby fairy) is picked on and Thoro, standing up for him, manages to land himself detention after school. Just before his detention begins, he cuts himself on a poisonus bush and his only adult friend Sarahine (who's called to supervise him until detention starts) helps heals it. Soon she is dismissed by Dactyle, his teacher, who's just arrived. But something is different about him. And out of the blue, the teacher announces he wants to kill him and Thoro is now in serious danger.


Second chapter:
Spoiler! :
Thoro dodges his teacher's fireball attacks, and jumps out of the classroom window, right above the poisonus bushes. He manages to avoid them, but his pursueing teacher does not. His teacher screames at the bushes boil his skin and Thoro makes a run for it. He keeps running, although his limbs ache. Soon he realises he has no clue where he is, but Thoro does not slow down and try to map out his surroundings, for he is paranoid his teacher is on his tail. It is almost dark when finally Thoro comes across a familiar road- from there, he is able to get home. When he arrives home, his father's in a panic, but it's not because of Thoro. His father demands, once cleaning up Thoro's injuries, that he stays in his room, not having dinner, and does not come out, no matter what. Thoro is then left worried and hungry in his room. His only thought is to sneak out and meet up with his friend, Void. (Who is only known by name so far)


Read on:

Thoro balanced on the edge of the bed, groping for the edge of his window. Once his fingers felt secure, he used his wooden shelving to climb up and propel himself through the broken glass. A troublemaker had smashed it a few months ago, and Thoro hadn't wanted to remove the rest of the glass, in case he hurt himself.


The gap wasn't designed to slip gangly adolescents in and out of it, and so Thoro struggled to do that and avoid the sharp, cut glass. By the time he landed awkwardly with a thud outside, the bruises from earlier were aching again and more cuts had been added to his magnificent collection of injuries.


Without another sound beside a muffled groan, Thoro stole off into the night- in fact, the "Night" was exactly where he was planning to go.


Between the district in which Thoro lived in and the upper class Ors lived, there existed a large stretch of grassland dubbed as "Nightshade Park." This area was often avoided by upper and lower classes alike, as the crumbled remains of a once huge brick fortress lay carelessly strewn across the park. It had been blown to oblivion after a nasty magical experiment just before Thoro was born exploded it. It made for interesting, and dangerous, architecture. Still mortared together, clustered of bricks that were jammed into the ground angled towards the sky like deathly daggers, held up by the stable terrain underneath them. Combine the broken bricks, the poisonous ivy that spread like plague around them, and the tall, thick-rooted trees that blocked out the moonlight's shine, and you've got yourself a pretty hazardous place.


Only the most daring, or stupid, or both would normally enter such a gloomy place at night. Yet, Thoro was none of these. He just simply knew a safe route through the ivy-clad bricks and trees that led him straight to the upper-class district. And although the route was much more difficult to manoeuvre through in the dark, Thoro managed to slip through unscathed. Phew, he thought in relief, I don't need any more injuries.


It was as if Thoro had emerged from the park in a different universe. For starters, the air Thoro breathed in was clean and pure, and the sky was virtually clean of fog pollution, allowing the moon to be seen it all of its glory. Magical enhancements. Very little tech used here, just good old human abilities.


The homes in his sight were beautifully constructed of stone and mortar, and lavishly decorated with plants, statues or even with magical effects if the owner of the house had an ability worth flaunting. One of the closest houses opposite him, a girly pink and green coloured marble house, had glowing butterflies fluttering around pillars, leaving soap-scented perfume in their wake. Another house, this time paved a dark ocean blue, displayed sections of mini aquarium tanks instead of windows. Thoro swore he saw a shark swim past one and his confidence slipped a little.


Thoro knew these houses were not the best the upper district had to offer, and the finest on offer was further up; these owners didn't have as much money as their places looked like to possess, otherwise they wouldn't have chosen to live near a vast and deserted poisonous park. But living in one of these houses, even the one with butterflies, would have been a dream come true. No, more then a dream- an impossible fantasy. Thoro would never have to starve again, never have to worry about insane teachers trying to kill him, and never worry about having no money to live freely.


Thoro shook his head wildly. Every time he made the journey to the upper districts, these longing thoughts emerged from the depths of his brain and pestered him. He loved and loathed them at the same time. Nevertheless, he had an emergency on his hands, and there was no time to yearn over a life he'll never have. He hurried up the nearest street and made a straight beeline for his friend Void's house.


Void's home wasn't far from the park, and it did not take long to reach it.


Before he took one step on the house's land, however, he checked the house's lights. Void's house wasn't as flash as the others down on the street, but Thoro knew it was only because Void's parents didn't like to show off. They were content with a blooming garden bed, and two fully grown oak trees that lined a cobblestone path to the front door. Yes, the house's foundation was on marble, and the four pillars astride the entrance that held up a section of the roof were marble too, but the rest of the dwelling was constructed with rough stone. The white marble contrasted beautifully with the dark brown stone, the green oak trees and the grey pebble path. However, Thoro was not here to admire the simple yet elegant architecture.


He checked the windows. All lights were off. The household members were probably asleep. It was ten at night, after all.


Surrounding the property was a magically coded, shoulder-height, black iron fence. It was designed to keep out intruders like an electronic fence would- electrify them. But a swirling gas screen hovered directly above the gate's entrance, displaying ten digits. If once pressed the gas numbers in the right order, the gas screen would power down the magical fence until the guest was safely ushered inside the grounds.

Taking a deep breath, Thoro placed his fingers on the screen. Surprisingly, the gas felt solid under his touch, and he was able to easily press the numbers that made up the security code.


Not a second after the last number had been pushed, the black gate slid open and Thoro hurried through the opening. The door slid shut behind him with a hiss.


His footsteps crunched against the cobblestone path as he jogged up it. As soon as he became mentally aware of this, he sprung off the path and continued scurrying up the lawn.


Back crouched like a tiger, and heart beating fast, he slipped down the side of the house, ducking past any windows.


When he came to Void's parent's bedroom window, he found himself crawling on all fours past it, keeping himself deathly silent. Since punching in the security code that Thoro was never meant to know, the guilt he felt for breaking in had doubled his fear of being caught.


Soon a familiar set of green curtains behind a large window made Thoro almost shout for joy. He rapped with his knuckles against the strong glass several times.


Blue light flashed from underneath the curtains, and after a few seconds, disappeared as suddenly as it came. Thoro heard footsteps heading towards the window.


The green curtains were yanked apart with force, and what Thoro saw was not his friend, but a horrible hulking monster of a man.


-x-x-x-


Void had been dreaming of school when a rap against the window had awakened him. Trying to shake the image of his hot history teacher out of his mind, he sat up in a daze. When he heard a second lot of raps against the glass, the sleepy daze he'd been in was violently torn from his brain, to be replaced with dawning fear.


No-one can break in our house, thought Void with a horrified shudder, unless… unless they're a Vaporiser.


Vaporisers are the equivalent of magical grim reapers, only without the cloaks or skeletal features. The most vile of magical creatures, they live to bring misery. A sight of this creature guarantees your death in the near future, and once touch from the monster is immediately fatal. Their hulking figures, red eyes, purple skin and life purpose are enough to frighten children into sticking to the footpath and to not go wondering around at dark.


Oh god, a Vaporiser's after me!


This irrational thought drove Void out of his comfortable bed. He stood, frozen as he heard the next set of raps, then he realised he held a card that the Vaporiser did not.


A month ago he had visited the Larak Museum on a school excursion. They had a new exhibit, which was on Creatures Of The Night. In celebration of the opening of the exhibit, staff members on duty in the exhibit were transformed and costumed by the staff's on hand fairies to resemble the creatures, but not completely, of course. The staff did not want to cause the death of their patrons by seeing a Vaporiser wandering around their corridors.


Void, realising this golden opportunity, had gone around and (subtly) touched each staff member. One of them had been the staff member dressed like a Vaporiser.


Now it was time to use this advantage.


Void closed his eyes. He stretched out his arms in a scarecrow-like pose, then with a squeeze of his fists, his limbs suddenly convulsed. His eyes started to glow bright blue, and soon, his whole body radiated the light.


His muscles twitched and his bones groaned and creaked as they were stretched and enlarged by the blue glow. Void felt his ears moulding themselves into a point and he felt his cheekbones gain padding. His hair slid back into the top of his skull, leaving only the tops of the hairs in their wake, looking very much like someone who had recently shaved their head. Soon he had to bend down, for his stature was gaining too much height to stand up straight in the room. And as the last few transformations finished up, the bright blue glow fizzled out. Where Void's skinny little body once stood, a deep purple, muscular monster had replaced him.


Void breathed in and out. The intake sounded like a soft grunt. He flexed his arms, and felt as if they were made out of metal when he tightened them.

With a gulp, he lugged his thick feet to the window. He knew if it was really a Vaporiser, they might be able to tell straight away that Void possessed blue eyes, not red ones.


With only one more second's hesitation, he thrust the curtains aside.


The figure's face wasn't clear. All that Void understood was the figure most definitely wasn't a Vaporiser. Void's shoulder's slightly relaxed. So I'm not going to die, thought Void in relief. But this person isn't a Vaporiser, then how the hell did they break in?

-x-x-x-

Thoro backed a few paces, and his eyes were wide. Oh lords of Ama, that's a Vaporiser! And my eyes are on it!
But even though Thoro desperately wanted to tear his eyes away, he couldn't help but stare at its face.
When he saw its bright blue eyes, he immediately relaxed.


-x-x-x-


Void watched this person's shoulders drop and laid its palms on the window. He heard muffled calling. Void could only just make out the words.


"Void, It's me, Thoro! I need to get in, it's important!"


Void's stomach whooshed at the sound of his friend's name, but he wasn't convinced. He opened the window to a slit using his gigantic fingers.


"How do I know it's you, and not some other burgling shape shifter?" he growled in a low voice.


"Because I know how we met. I saved you from death at Night Park. And that's why we are best friends."


There was no doubt in Void's mind now that this person was Thoro.


"And I need your help, mate," Thoro continued, "For I'm in serious trouble."
Last edited by Maddy on Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Reviews: 205
Mon Feb 07, 2011 7:56 pm
Kagi says...



Hey Maddy,
Your not going to believe this but I just wrote a full length review, then my little baby puppy walked over the keyboard and pressed delete meaning I lost the whole review. Ugh. So I'm in a bad mood right now.

As I said, I hate fantasy with a passion. So please don't expect anything fancy. Fantasy and me are like a broken jigsaw. They don't fit. But I'll try my best. Because you were kind enough to ask for something anyway. Even if you did ask for the most hated genre of all time,*Coughs*

I was going to start with grammar but then I realised, you had no grammar porblems. Call me crazy but it's true. You must either love spellcheck or you must be spell check. I'm not sure. Anyhow. Ill then just drag my heavy brain to do the plot work.

Here goes,

You description
The description you used was excellent. The words you chose was brilliant and full of meaning. Too be honest I'm not one for too much flowery description but yours just worked for me. You had enough in all the right places. I really enjoyed the words you picked, they created simple pictures theat were easy to imagine and to relate to being fantasy and all.
In some cases, you could make it a little less clustered. Your words were a bit crammad, like they needed more space on the page which I know doesn't make sense but I think if you just dropped a couple of words it would be better.

Imagery
The images you created were just as good. I know in fantasy stories using images is very important and you did well. As I said previously sometimes you could lay off with the flowery words and phrases but that's just my preference. Whatever you like.

The title
I think the main reason you haven't got many reviews is because of You title. I'm being very harsh here but your title is like staring at a brick wall. *I'm being helpful here try to remember that xD*
It's boring and it doesn't reflect any talent that you have or how good the story really is. A title is what makes the reader what to pick up the book and buy it. If you have a title called
The pretty chair

No one is going to pick that up. Mostly
But if you have a title called
Thristy for blood

You'll probably get more attention. The book I mean.
So if you want my advice. I would change your title. Its far to sterotypical for fantasy. I would try something unique and original. Too be honest I have no clue what title to use for this as I don't like fantasy but I'm sure you can think of something or ask someone who is interested.

Your plot
As far as the plot goes, I think you were fine. I wouldnt know so I can't really give you much advice here but I'm pretty sure it was fine.
Some places went far to slow, you could easily pick up the pace.

Anyhow,
Thanks for requesting the review.
Kaka x
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If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P
  





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75 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5950
Reviews: 75
Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:35 am
Maddy says...



@kakagirl,
Thank you! I'm really happy that it created good imagery. I was aiming for that because, like you said, fantasy relies heavily on imagery to make them work.

I'm also very aware of the title, and thanks for re-bringing this to my attention. I was really stuck on ideas, but thanks for the help there! I realise now that putting some imagery and originality in the title too might help (My brother originally just wanted "Thoro" as the title, but I refused). And it's funny you say "thirsty for blood", because one of my favourite books of all time is called "Bloodthirsty", ha ;)
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  








more fish is always superior to less fish
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