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Old Soul
by BarrettBenedict in Lyric Poetry |
This thread was created on October 30, 2005
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Ruined love
Topic ID: 5509
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Tazy
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 28 Oct 2005
Posts: 85
Reviews: 37
Country: Melbourne, Australia
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 4:04 am Post subject: Ruined love |
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V1
Oh my love
I don’t want to lose you again
It hurt to much the first time
You mean the world to me
Chorus
I miss you
I truly do
I cannot live without you
You’re my shinny light
V2
I miss our romantic dinners
Where you’d serenade me with wine
Where you’d hold me tight
And we’d cuddle all through the night
Chorus
I miss you
I truly do
I cannot live without you
You’re my shinny light
V3
I miss your breath upon my skin
The smell of your aftershave
I miss everything about you
And I’m a fool for pushing you away
Chorus
I miss you
I truly do
I cannot live without you
You’re my shinny light |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 4:08 am Post subject: |
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The only thing that really screamed at me in this was the use of the phrase "shinny light".
First off I think the proper spelling is "shiny", and secondly, it just doesn't sound right... I think that Shining light would fit better. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3971
Reviews: 387
Country: somewhere in America
973 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree with what Dusky said, plus the "to" in the first verse should be "too." Other than that, I liked it. |
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| This thread was created on October 30, 2005 |
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