Young Writers Society

Removed

Well, unfortuntely, I've already read this. Which means I can't say anything constructive.

Nothing's changed, I still enjoy this new style you're writing with. I'm curious to know what will happen, now. And I'm really, really curious about the Loradaine's man-servant...'nough said!

Tanya

Hello Racheal! I told you I'd get here sooner or later (although it always seems to end up as later).

Small things first.

Ha. As if the rag-tag group of mages in the chamber could work something more than a pinprick.

This "Ha" really came across weird for me. I'd suggest changing it to "He chuckled" or "He snorted" or "He rolled his eyes". If you want to keep it internal and not physical, maybe try something to get the sarcasm across-- "Doubtful" or "Unlikely" or "As if". As it is it just sounds forced without any real characterization attached.

His Most Royal Majestic Magnitude dismissed this particular newsbringer.

I didn't realize that the King (Tessalyn's father I presume?) was up with Thetcher and Tessalyn as well. I'd suggest dropping that info in a tad earlier, so he doesn't just appear out of the blue. Maybe when you say that Thetcher is standing next to the princess's chair, you can mention that her father is however far away.

Also, the ridiculous titles are great, but it's only amusing if all of them are ridiculous. "Her Magnificent Grace" and "Her Mightiness" just sound overly formal and out of place, but "Her Most Darling Loveliness" elicits a giggle.

Tawny-haired and tall, twenty-something, with a gait like a mountain cat’s, the man in the lead—Prince Lamir Loradaine of North Reach—made his way with his head high. His strides were long and determined, his gaze straight ahead. Dressed as he was, he had to be doused in sweat, but if that or the suffocating heat in the room bothered him, he gave no sign of it.

...

Shorter, dark-haired, with broad, slouched shoulders, this man moved forward a few feet with a gait just as limber as the other’s, but lurching. His kneel was stiff, his expression haggard and worn. The sweat on his face mixed with blood from a wound on his forehead, which he ignored, even as the red trickled down toward his mouth. He bowed his head but did not look back up.

These two paragraphs and everything between them confused me. There are two men coming in from North Reach, yes? One is this hated prince-- the tawny-haired mountain lion-esque one. Prince Lamir comes forward, bows, and pays respects to the royals. And then he gestures to the other man-- who is also Prince Lamir Loradaine. This Prince Lamir is fidgety and he's the once asking for a truce. But then! I think what you're getting at is that everyone thinks the regal one is the prince, but it turns out to be the messy one-- in which case I'm missing the surprise in the room, the confusion running through Thetcher's mind and such a pathetic display of royalty. You say that Thetcher tried not to stare, but that wasn't enough of a reaction for me to realize what was going on. I read this about four times before getting it.

Overall

Wheee! Besides that bout of bewilderment and the aforementioned small comments, I thoroughly enjoyed this, the end especially. Your dialogue was very good and naturally-progressing, I felt. Prince Lamir was well-characterized, but I would've liked you to have kept Thetcher's perspective even after the royals start arguing. He's very present in the first half, commenting snidely on the awful noise, but then he just drops out during the juiciest bit. We feel the lack of his internal reactions, especially after his king says, "The terms seem fair". Actually, everyone else drops out for a while, and it makes the scene a bit unbalanced. How are the mages and nobles handling this? If they're absolutely frozen and silent, say that.

I'd also watch your lack of sentence variation at the very beginning, when you're doing all the description and introspection. Your sentences are very long-winded up there, full of commas and dashes and extra phrases. Make sure to have some shorter sentences too so everything doesn't drag quite as much, especially without dialogue or action.

I hope this made sense-- I'm typing this rather hurriedly. Please PM me if you have any questions or comments! I really like this and would be very interested to see where it goes.

~Evi