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Snoink
Snuggly
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 Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:07 am Post subject: Sprained Ankle |
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SCENE 1
There are two men a small room standing over a girl. The girl is naked lying on a bed, a down blanket tossed loosely around her. A look of agony is on her face. The two men, completely dressed, are watching her. They look concerned.
MAN 1: “Is she awake?”
MAN 2: “I don’t think so.”
MAN 1: “What’s wrong with her?”
MAN 2: “Apparently, she took a nasty fall. She has a sprained ankle and a high fever. Not good, but not totally unexpected either.” He sits down next to her and lifts the blanket up to reveal her leg.
GIRL: Mumbles indiscriminately.
MAN 1: He sighs deeply and paces the room. “Then is there any hope?”
MAN 2: “Oh, there’s lots of hope. She’s from a good sturdy stock. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s back on her feet in a month.” He smiles warmly at MAN 1. “Don’t worry too much about it.”
MAN 1: Earnestly. “But I still don’t understand! It’s bizarre. And unfortunate.”
MAN 2: Skeptically. “Unfortunate? What do you mean?”
MAN 1: “I mean what I said. It’s a shame to have such a thing happen to such a lovely young woman.”
MAN 2: “You like her?”
MAN 1: Embarrassed. “No.”
MAN 2: With astonishment. “You love her?”
MAN 1: “Well, love is a tricky definition to define, therefore…”
MAN 2: “But she’s just a servant!” Stares at MAN 1 openly.
MAN 1: “Which means that I’m not allowed to love her whether I like it or not. Period. But let’s change the subject.”
MAN 2: “Very well then.” Covers the leg of the girl quickly. “Does she like you?”
MAN 1: “No, not at all. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Let’s change the subject.”
MAN 2: “Hmph!”
MAN 1: “So how did she get into this unfortunate state of affairs?”
MAN 2: “Unfortunate? Quite the opposite. It could have been a lot worse. She was playing in the river, right where the water is fast and the rocks are slippery. She must have slipped on a rock and then, trying to get her balance, get her foot jammed into a tight place. Then she slipped and fell. When I found her, she was struggling to get out of the water. She was obviously very weak. When I finally got her out, she fell unconscious almost at once.”
MAN 1: “And then what?”
MAN 2: “I took her inside, stripped her of her wet clothes, and wrapped her in blankets. I haven’t moved her since.” A pause. “My wife is going to kill me.”
MAN 1: “Why?”
MAN 2: “For some strange reason, she doesn’t want me to hang around with any of the servant girls, especially when I need to undress them.” Grins slightly. “You’re rather dense today, aren’t you?”
MAN 1: Frowns. “I just wish she were stronger.”
MAN 2: “So do I, so do I. But until then, all we can do is wait and make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”
There is a pause. MAN 1 sits down at a nearby chair, and MAN 2 is by the girl’s side. She begins to moan and her eyelids flutter open.
MAN 2: “Hallo!”
GIRL: “Who?” She looks around before closing her eyelids again with a groan. “Who?”
MAN 2: “It’s me, James. And he’s Daniel.”
GIRL: “Who?”
MAN 1: Whispers to MAN 2. “She’s not getting better.”
MAN 2: “Hush. Be patient.” To GIRL. “How are you feeling?”
GIRL: She tries to move and then cries with pain as she moves her sprained ankle. She begins crying and screaming.
MAN 1: On the verge of hysterics. “What do we do?”
MAN 2: “Hush!” He gets an icepack, which is a small bowl by his side and presses it closely on her ankle. “I know it hurts now, but don’t worry! Don’t cry! Everything will be all right.”
GIRL: Still crying out in pain.
MAN 1: “Maybe we should try to distract her?”
MAN 2: In a sing song voice.
“Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for my master and…”
MAN 1: “That’s not a good song for a servant.”
MAN 2: “What do you want me to sing to her? ‘Sonata in G minor?’ She’s not complaining.”
MAN 1: “But you don’t want to demean her.”
MAN 2: “Hush.” Begins to hum a classical song. Removes the icepack and then begins to gently massage her legs. Her crying stops.
MAN 1: Bends over to GIRL. “Everything’s going to be all right.” He pauses uncertainly before kissing her. His companion says nothing.
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nickelpickle
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| Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 1:14 am Post subject: |
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I liked it...You can write, despite what you may think.  Anyway.
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| Not good, but not totally unexpected either.” |
The not totally unexpected part threw me off. Maybe it's just me, but I would change it to something like "Not good, but not [insert creative word for bad here] either."
| Quote: |
| “Then is there any hope?” |
I would either get rid of the word then or put it at the end of that sentence.
That's all I could really find, and that's just me being picky... They were just a couple of ideas...Anyway, all around, it was quite good and I look forward to reading more. |
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"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
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Fauste
Junior Writer
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Country: in hell, wishing for my girl again
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| Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I think nickel found all the mistakes, I couldn't find any others.
I liked this, it drew me in and left me wanting to know more.
Cheers
Fauste |
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