Young Writers Society

Wings And Fins
By Lord Libre

Chapter 1
Narrated By Eos Edgar

The Book of Cosmos cites that man emerged from the womb of eternity when the flesh of Land, the breath of Air and the blood of Sun merged as one.

Being the first form with life, and having the only mind with intellect, we humans procured a special place in the eyes of the Creator, acquiring the gift of creation from him.

Exploring our new-found abilities to the fullest, the race of Man created the rest of the living kingdom in four days and three nights, changing the face of Earth forever.

On the fifth day, amidst the celebrations and festivities, it was proclaimed by the Supreme Creator that Human Beings would ascend the Earthly throne of the living world, gaining power and control over their actions and lives.

But with the taste of power came the want for more and soon greed corrupted and consumed our souls.
Aiming for the control over the Universe, we challenged the Undefeatable in war; disillusioned by the capabilities of Science, we expected that we would achieve the impossible.

But of course it was a big mistake, a mistake for which we payed an enormous price.

The wrath of the Creator came upon us in the form of an pandemic. Aptly named- ‘the Dark Nightmare’, it devoured the human flesh from inside and made our bones melt, sparing only the heart and the brain so that the victim could live and feel his death.

A wave of panic swept through Humanity as Man experienced pain and death for the first time ever. After fasting and praying for 16 days in a row, we were finally forgiven as the Creator’s love won over his anger.

The pandemic disappeared in the same way it had appeared, getting lost into the oblivion of time and eternity.
But the scars it left now distorted the perfect human form, and of course the masters of the living world were not pleased.
We hid our flawed faces under beautiful masks, which now acted as our identity. Ensuring that this flawless illusion would never be broken, it became the law of our race to never take off any mask and see the cursed human face; and if anybody dared, then death was the price he would have to pay for committing such a sin.
I too was given a mask at my birth, which I am supposed to take to my grave.

But my mask is not any ordinary mask, my mask is the mask of a prince. The glittering silver that the it is made of, and the shimmering diamonds that decorate it, commands respect and procures many privileges.

Until some days before, I quite enjoyed wearing it, but then the time of taking up the attached responsibilities dawned near and my insecurities started to hunt me down.

The thought of ruling an empire which covered whole of the face of Earth, filled me with fear and apprehension.
Moreover, being the grandson of a man who conquered the world and the son of a king who’s cited as the greatest ruler in history, made things worse.

The only solace I got was in the ignorance of the forest, where the great kingdom of Aaspan disappeared behind the thick canopy of leaves and I was just a boy wandering aimlessly in the depths of the woods.

Each night, when the rehearsals of my coronation got too overwhelming, I would sneak past everyone and ride my horse, Silverflame, into the forest, drowning myself into my uncertainties of the future.

Every day was spent the same way- waiting in dread for the of the moment when the crown of a kingdom would be on my head and the responsibility of a million lives would rest on my shoulders.

But tonight it feels different, there is a sense of purpose in my apparent meandering.
The sky up high is hidden under a blanket of silver as the Moon shines unusually bright today.
I shiver as the cold gnaws into my flesh like a swarm of maggots devouring a dead rat.
The Earth is plagued with a snowy disease, which transforms it into a huge mirror, staring into which the queen of the night admires her beauty and radiance.

The gallops of Silverflame scream in my head, his white coat is the only sense of comfort I’ve got as we descend deeper into the shadows.

The naked trees all around me are the personifications of my insecurities; Pointing at me, they laugh aloud, reminding me of my unworthiness.

Suddenly they fall silent as I notice the wreckage of a nest, hiding beneath the shade of a dead bush.
Gently tugging on the reigns of Silverflame, I stop him and climb down.
Upon investigating, I find all the residents of the nest crushed and eaten, except for one.
Cold and lonely, it lies unprotected and insecure, just like the prince that I am.
Finding a bond of empathy between us, I hide it underneath my purple robe.

There is a strange comfort and a fatherly love that I feel from it’s presence so close to my body, it seems that it has taken my responsibilities as it’s own.

Noticing the darkening color of the sky, I realise how late the night has grown and decide to ride back to the palace.
But as I am about to climb back on to the saddle, I notice something twinkling in the moonlight at a distance.
Forced by curiosity, I silently move towards it, hiding under the cloak of shadows.
With the diminished distance, my eyes are now able to distinguish the form of a girl, dancing and swirling in the cold.
As I move closer, I almost vomit my heart out of my body as I discover not only the absence of any clothes on her, but also the absence of a mask on her face.
I am horrified at first, it’s almost repulsive, but soon that feeling transforms into awe.
She seems like a Goddess bathed in silver, dancing her heart out in the middle of the forest; Her troubled soul a seeker of solitude, just like the one that resides inside me.
The frosty air has granted a pinkish glow to her fair skin; Her long hair resembles the dark residence of the Creator in the nightly sky.
Her face is somewhat shady, but her prominent red lips and the soft curves of her nose are visible in an oval outline.
Sacred rivers of tears meander down her closed eyes, an emotion of deep pain is spread across her divine face.
Her body is as blessed as her face- created out of the core of the creator. Her slender arms and legs draw intricate patterns on the transparent canvas of the world, painting pictures that tell the story of her life and grief.
The world is probably nourished by her holy breasts, and her vagina is the sacred orifice that is the opening to a womb that could very well have conceived the Universe.

I can see a burn mark on her left wrist, shaped like a blade of grass , it’s the only flaw on her perfect form.
I feel a strange connection to her, it’s as if our hearts share an invisible link, a metaphysical artery through which the blood of our bodies mix with each other.
There is a magical quality inside her, a magnetic property in her aura that hypnotises me. Her fluid movements are like a sedative which pulls me out of reality and transports me into a place where my insecurities vanish, where only joy exists, where we both dance together and create a world of our own.
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Hullo there! There's a stuffed spider monkey named Spike that I've had since I was little. I hope you don't mind, but because of your name I picture you looking a lot like her... so I apologize in advance if I call you a monkey, or refer to your tail or something. Anyway, onto the review. ^.^

Being the first form with life, and having the only mind with intellect, we humans procured a special place in the eyes of the Creator, acquiring the gift of creation from the Architect himself.

This sentence drags on a bit, and I'm having a hard time making sense of it. I understand the basic gist of what you're saying, but I don't really understand why you're saying it the way you are. For example, what does "the first form with life" mean? The first form of what? I think you might mean that humans were the first life-form, but I'm not sure. I'm also a little uncertain about whether the Creater and the Architect are the same entity. My guess is that they are, but I'm really not sure at all. Maybe say somethinglikebutnotnecessarily: "Being the first life-form, and possessing the first intellectual minds, we humans procured a special place in the eyes of the Creator, who gave to us the gift of creation."

On the fifth day, amidst the celebrations and festivities, it was proclaimed by the Supreme Creator that Human Beings would ascend the Earthly throne of the living world, gaining power and control over their actions and lives.

Over whose actions and lives? The humans themselves? The other inhabitants of the Earthly world? There's an uncomfortable ambiguity with the word "their."

The wrath of the Creator came upon us in the form of an pandemic. Aptly named as ‘the Dark Nightmare’, it devoured the human flesh from inside and made our bones melt, sparing only the heart and the brain so that the victim can live and feel his death.

Firstly, that should be "a pandemic," rather than "an pandemic," since the word "pandemic" doesn't start with a vowel. Secondly, the beginning of the second sentence sounds a bit odd. I would get rid of the "as," (after "named") because I don't think it's necessary and it sounds kind of awkward to me. Thirdly, I think you should keep the whole second sentence in past tense, thus making that "...so that the victim could live..." rahter than "...so that the victim can live..."

A wave of panic swept through Humanity as they experienced pain and death for the first time ever.

This is rather nit-picky, but it's something that bothered me. "Humanity" is one thing. It is an "it" not a "they." I would change this to either "A wave of panic swept through Humanity as it experienced pain and death for the first time ever." OR "A wave of panic swept through Humanity as Man experienced pain and death for the first time ever."

Ensuring that this flawless illusion would never be broken, it became the law of our race to never take off any mask and see the cursed human face; And if anybody dared, then death was the price he would have to pay for committing such a sin.

Another nit-pick: the "and" after the semicolon should be lowercase.

Until some days before, I quite enjoyed wearing it, but then the time of taking up the attached responsibilities dawned near and my insecurities started to hunt me down.

Some days before what? Do you mean it to have happened some days before the narrator is telling about it? Or do you mean it happened some days before what the narrator is about to talk about next?

Everyday was spent the same way- waiting in dread for the of the moment when the crown of a kingdom would be on my head and the responsibility of a million lives will rest on my shoulders.

That should be "every day," because "everyday" is actually an adjective that means "daily," while "every day" is an expression referring to something that happens each day. Also, sorry to be so picky, but that should be "...a million lives would rest..." so that it's all in the same tense.

But tonight it feels different, although everything is the same, but that sense of aimlessness is somewhat absent.

This sounds pretty awkward because not only do you say "but" twice--you also say "although," which can mean the same thing! Now, I know the second "but" doesn't mean the same thing as the first one... but it still doesn't sound right to me. Also, I'm not sure what "somewhat absent" means--isn't something either absent or not absent? >.< I suggest you describe the way it feels different, because as it is I'm not sure whether or not the only way it feels different is because the aimlessness is absent.

She seems like a Goddess bathed in silver, dancing her heart out in the middle of the forest; Her troubled soul a seeker of solitude, just like the one that resides inside me.

Be careful of being too wordy (I'll talk more about that later...). You could just say "...just like mine" here, and it would do the same job in five words less!
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Firstly, I must say I loved the opening line. It pulled me in and made me want to read more--I wanted to know what the Book of Cosmos was, and I wanted to know more about this religion you seem to have created. I am actually really interested by the idea of it, because on the one hand the whole beginning part of this reminds me of reading someone talk about Biblical Genesis, because it seems to incorporate the same types of sentiments as Judaism/Christianity. But on the other hand it was refreshingly new and creative and I can tell you put a lot of time into thinking about it. I'm also really interested in the world you've set up. At first I thought the whole bit about the masks was simply a metaphor, but when I realized that it was literal as well, I was intrigued. I wonder, do the masks change shape as a person grows? Are the fitted tightly to the person's face, or are they more like big round sheets with holes in them? I picture them like Venetian carnival masks, but I don't think you described them that way. I also want to say that I loved the line about the queen of the night. It was beautifully wordy and painted an excellent picture while also hinting at folklore.

On that same note, I suggest you be careful about being overly wordy. I know it's hard to write with this old-fashioned-style voice, (and I congratulate you for pulling it off as well as you did!) but you really need to watch out because sometimes the voice gets in the way and I end up thinking less about what you're saying than about how you're saying it. A quick way to make this a little better is to watch your sentence length. Some of your sentences are grammatically correct but they're so long and have so many commas and semicolons in them that your reader may get lost in them and never find a way out. ^.^ (Also, while I'm on the topic, you should know that you don't have to capitalize after a semicolon. You did this a lot, but I didn't point most of them out because I think you can do it yourself. When it comes to capitalization, treat semicolons like commas.)

I also think that overall this could benefit from some more description and detail. For instance, I mentioned before that I have no idea what the masks look like. You say his has diamonds and such on it, but that still doesn't give me a clear image. The whole piece feels more metaphorical than literal, so I end up having a rather fuzzy picture in my head. I'm not saying you have to describe everything, but I would like to see you pick a few things to really clarify. Here's another example: what's with the nest? Is the "inhabitant" a bird, or an unhatched egg? And how can he fit the nest inside his cloak? Doesn't he need to put it in a bag or a pocket or something?

Oh, and one more, very important thing: please space out your paragraphs! YWS doesn't (as far as I know) have any indentation, so your post just looks like a big block of text. Blocks of text are, in general, rather daunting and people tend not to want to read/review them. So please put a return between every paragraph (like I have done in my review) so that it is a little easier to read. You'll get more reviews, too!

All in all, as I said before, I'm intrigued. Intrigued by the main character, and the world you've set up, and the girl he sees in the end. Just make sure you don't get bogged down in the wordiness, because it makes it hard to understand what you're saying.

Please let me know if I was unclear about anything or if you have questions/comments about my review. I hope this helps!

a

Well, Spike, I really don't see what to say after reading Azila's great review!

Haha, seriously!

Nah, this was a great chapter! Setting aside my nitpicks that Azila already mentioned, the thing that bothers me is the Prince's referring to himself a couple of times as being 'unworthy' of the upcoming title. Why is that? Is he a failure at everything's he's done? Does he percieve himself as weak, when his father is strong? (much like a jock father wants his son to be a jock and is disappointed when he reads books?)

It would be nice to delve a little more in the Prince's path to get a better feeling of what he's going through.

Also, why does he dread the throne, daily? Is his father dying? It should be mentioned.

All that being said, I simply love this. Maybe he should mention the mark on the dancing woman's wrist. Express curiosity? Wonder what the mark could mean? Has he seen it before?

That's it for my thoughts. Sorry I couldn't help anymore, but Azila was thorough!

Tanya

Heya Spike.

I'm here to review as requested, but it seems that you've already gotten two reviews by two wonderful reviewers. I'll try and avoid repeating what they've said, so hopefully, I can find something different for you to work on. I suppose we'll have to see! Oh, and I apologise in advance for any typos or misspelled words; I'm on my dad's laptop and there's no spell checker.

Reading over this, I just noticed that I read and reviewed the older version of this, didn't I? Hence the whole rewritten thing in the title... I remember it quite well actually. I'll just say that I definitely think that this version is much better, so really well done for that. The original version was good, and I love seeing that it's improved even more since then. Well done, Spike!

One thing I'm really happy to have seen you changed from the original version is the ending. From what I remember, the ending of the original version was rather sudden and not very detailed. I love that you seem to have concetrated more on the girl in this version. Overall, you seem to have taken the critiques you were given in the first version, and used them to improve and edit this one. It's really good that you've done that, and it's also clear that you have.

As for critiques... The only one I can really come up with that hasn't been mentioned already is part of what I said last time. Although it has improved greatly, to me, there are some areas here where the pace of the chapter seems a litle fast and rushed. It's almost as though you just want to get to the scene with the girl as soon as possible. Don't get me wrong; it's a lot better than the last version, but there are some areas that I think you could maybe slow down and keep the pace a bit steadier. Oe of those areas, for example, is when he decides to go into the forest.

You say that it's something he does sometimes when he's rehearsing coronaiton and needs a break or something, but I'd like for you to maybe describe his departure on this particular day. Maybe? This is just a suggesiton, but I think that you could maybe do something instead of going from describing the coronation rehearsals to the moment he's already in the forest. You could describe how that night, he was feeling especially overwhelmed, how he went to get his horse, what his thoughts were e.t.c. Basically, maybe add some details into his departure that night or something, just so the pace is a little easier to follow.

Obviously, this is just based on my opinion, so you don't have to agree with that. It's just that I needed to find a critique that was different to Tanya's and Azila's. xD Another way of maybe making this feel more detailed are by describign things a bit more. What I found was that although you had quite a few physical descriptions, you don't have many emotion descriptions. I dont' know how the Prince is feeling at all really. Maybe you want that kind of style - I don't know, but if not, I'd consider adding in some more emotions. Right now, it feels a little... stony, I suppose.

Other than that, I dont think there's anything else I want to mention that hasn't been mentioned already. This was a really nice piece, Spike, and all you need to do now is give this another little edit with the help of your reviews, and this could be even better. Well done!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins