Young Writers Society

I made a club-join, please-Know I'm Here....Or I'll be sad like a red panda(Nah, just kidding), but please.


Jenna:
If I could have gone into my heart that night, I would have introduced you to the ruins that Eric had left me into. The valves would have been contracting close to each other and the flushing crimson red of my heart would have been reduced to a weak pale vermilion.

Through the mist that the smoke formed, I could make out one thing, which I could have never even missed in my dreams. His hands were rolled around her waist, and his lips widened into a heart warming smile. He gently pulled over the strands of her black curls behind her ears and with the remaining ones he made a spiral, covering his finger. She tilted her head a bit, admired his square face with her rolling eyes and then the magic spread.

For the next few minutes it was only Eric and Ellen on the dance floor and there were hundreds of eyes piercing them and cursing them under their breath. For stealing their night. But in a hall packed of hundreds there were other hundred eyes which just couldn't stop wondering and appreciating the beauty they presented them with. The systematic rhythm that their body had gained and the slow momentum with which they revolved around the stage was a spell for every couple.

When my eyes couldn't bare more of it, I twitched back my glance at my love for now, Jake. His teeth, rowed in a straight line, his neatly trimmed brows and the sweet smell of his cologne made its way through my throat. The boy who stood before me could very well had been the dream boy of any girl, and even after persistent efforts, I found no fault in him. But why couldn't he be my dream? Why did my face keep on dodging to where the epic couple was dancing? Why was the agony of seeing them together cutting down my heart into pieces? The answer sat right there in front of me, but my eyes just didn't want to see it.

I clutched onto Jake's shoulders a bit more tightly, afraid to lose his love as well. I had already lost Eric and losing Jake would have been a total defeat. He held my waist tightly, knowing very well that all his efforts were going in vain. I breathed in his smell, took breaths according to his heartbeat; I just wanted to be his. But you know how the heart is. No coordination with the mind!

For the hundredth time during the prom night, I rotated my head to peer in their direction. Their lips moved towards each other. Gently, he tilted her head up to his as his lips brushed softly against hers. The gesture was so tender and loving, it pierced my heart with pain and jealousy. I had to look away, tears stinging my eyes. I wore the same facade I had been trying to don all this while; I tried to seem happy with my partner. But inside, my whole world was falling apart, and my heart felt like a piece of glassware, shattered into a million pieces.

I knew then...Eric was unforgettable.


The screeching of the chalk against the blackboard coincided with the prom night being replayed inside my head. The flashing lights, the disco ball, and the worst of all-his hands rolled around her waist. I found myself trying to escape the wrath of the mist all around me, holding tight to the hem of my mauve gown. A faint echo buzzed around my ear, followed by the feel of a hand against my elbow. It was Jake. He held my hand gingerly, and pulled me back to him. The mist grew even stronger, his voice more still. I was sure he was saying something, but what. As if the whole world around me was slopping like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me, I groaned in pain. Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran down my spine.
"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there.
I tried to push away the puddle of thoughts conquering my mind and bring back some gaiety to my heart. What would have happened if Ellen had never entered our lives? Obviously, Eric won't have been attracted to her like a magnet and right now his hands would have been covering my waist-not hers. And Jake? Not sure. For a hunk like him, finding someone who did justice to him couldn't have been tough. All might have ended well. If it wasn't for that Ellen-the witch she is.
I looked deep into the contemplating eyes of Jake-Don't you love me? It was the only thing that I could read in his eyes. I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes. You're so in love with him, Jenna!I smiled. But what about Eric then? If he didn't care about breaking me, why should I care about him? As it is, he had someone.
It might have been this exact moment when something hit me hard on my face. I shrieked in pain, dimly aware of the greatest sin that I had committed. I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. How could you, Jenna? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. I just stared at her.
"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.
"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.
"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.
"No, Mrs-"
"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.
"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.
"Then why weren't you looking at the board?"she growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world.
"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly-where did you buy this pink jokers' bodysuit from?" I pulled my head back a bit, and started eying her plush pink disaster. Her evil smile vanished, leaving behind a pout. I don't know what had gotten into me, but the bubbling anger inside me, directed at Eric, was coming out in this form. How much ever I tried to bring myself together to believe in my true love for Jake, in another instance my brain snatched me back to another conclusion-I loved Eric.
Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!
A laughter slipped out. Not from me, not from her. But from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter. As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down, though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.
Detention after school on Tuesday.I later came to know that she had proposed the same chit to Eric.
Neatly signed with her pink gel pen, it was nothing more than a routine for me. I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this. I had been numb all this while, just Eric's recent laughter ringing in my head. Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter. Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.
"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers. Look, she got a manicure for the first time. I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.
Jessica rose her hands proudly, fixing her glasses steadily on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" Mrs. Harrowgate smiled sweetly, folding her hands in front of her almost flat chest.
"The plants of this group bear-" Blah! Blah! Blah!

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As the dreariness of the Biology class washed away, I walked towards Jake, who was sitting on a table in the cafeteria. From where I was coming, only his bronze coloured hair was visible. He wasn't a Biology student. He believed that it was for nerds, debarring me, of course. And after the stint by Jessica today, I couldn't very well ignore his theory.
"Hey!" I sat down next to him, watching him take the last bite of his hamburger. He winced at me, and wiped off the mayonnaise sauce smeared on the right side of his face.
"Hmm, sorry I had my lunch. What would you have? I'll get you whatever you like," he asked, pointing at the food stalls. I simply smiled and rested my face on my left elbow. Even though the Biology class was over, Eric's laugh pierced my heart and I felt a sudden raft of disgust on myself. What would he think of me now? I wondered. Shut up, Amy! Why do you care? Another voice from my heart stepped into my thought.
The coke drizzled down Jake's throat as he kept on looking at me. His eyebrows came nearer and lines transcended his forehead."What's the matter, Jen?"
"Oh, nothing-" Why did God give him his great face-reading power?
"Don't lie to me," he spoke. Deja vu added to my already frustrated self.
As I lazily narrated the events of the uneventful Biology class, his face hardened. I don't know why, but it did. I told him everything except, of course, about the prom night pain. I managed to convince him that I was dreaming about our dance, and for the first time since I had began narrating, a smile ran through his lips, only to vanish again. Eric! His Laugh!
"How dare he?" Jake growled. His nose flared, and his innocent face transformed into the face of a devil. Only a devil I wouldn't be harmed by.
"Leave him, Jake. He's just missing Ellen today." I reasoned, not showing any favour for Eric in my voice. I was going for reasoning. Smart enough.
"But that's no reason to laugh at my girl."
"Leave that."
"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.
"It's fine. Let's go, I ain't in no mood for lunch." I kept my hands on his and pressed them tightly.
"You'll become a size zero model, then, I guess." He joked, and the smile I wanted to see had returned.
Jake signalled me to stand up and as I did so, he jogged to my side and wrapped his caring hands around my shoulders. We walked away from the cafeteria to our next class, History. Mr. Stuart had already started explaining Hitler's mindset with great interest when we entered. We set ourselves cozily on two adjacent desks. I leaned backwards and relaxed for the first time since the morning. No more of Eric for next thirty minutes was a thought enough to wash away all the pain.
Three months back his absence would have created a pit in my stomach and it wasn't that pleasant even now without him, but it was easy to convince myself that I didn't love him any more if he wasn't around. So his absence proved to be a boon for me.
My eyes shifted to Jake, who had already been looking at me for the past five minutes. I shot him a smile and turned my attention to the blackboard. No Mrs. Harrowgate either. Ah, what a bliss!

As I walked out of the school, with my fingers fitting into the spaces between Jake's, forming a jigsaw, a sense of pleasure grew in my stomach. The birds flew, the ocean blue of the sky was still intact and the mirth all around filled my heart with pleasure. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried to drift away to a world where there was no Eric or Ellen. Just my Utopia!

Here to review, as you so requested.

Nitpicks:

Shubhi wrote:"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there.

I don't know, but I don't think 'gawked' was quite the right word here. Gawking is when people stare wide eyed, or their jaw drop, they're staring with disbelief. Not quite the right word for here.

Shubhi wrote:I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. How could you, Amy? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. I just stared at her.

First thing I wanted to ask about this was: before the quote, you had something written about pain? I thought she had been slapped or something, but you didn't say. Second thing: The first sentence quoted there doesn't make much sense. I'm not quite so sure what you're trying to tell us, no matter how many times I read it.
The last bit about this was that last thing I highlighted in red. It's a bit... awkward. At least to me, anyways. 'But none of this had any effect on me.' is how my mind would prefer to read this as. It's your choice though, and that's much more of an opinion than anything else.

Shubhi wrote:"Then why weren't you looking at the board?"Forgot a spaceshe growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world.

First question: If you're the last person in the world, how could you bump into her? This sentence was also a bit awkward to read. It needs just a bit of revision.
Also, I don't think 'pleasantest' is a word. 'Most pleasant' is what you're looking for.
The repitition of 'alone' wasn't very attractive. I'd say ommit the second one and replace it with something different.

Shubhi wrote:"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly-where did you buy this pink jokers' bodysuit from?" I pulled my head back a bit, and started eying her plush pink disaster.

Ooooooh... She is in trouble! This bit... it made me laugh. That poor teacher.

Shubhi wrote:Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!

One nitpick about right here: The red sounded a little awkward... probably because 'breathing' and 'breaths' didn't sound quite right here.
Otherwise... Bahahahaaa! I am starting to like this Amy person.

Shubhi wrote: 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.

Just used the wrong '/" there.

Shubhi wrote:And after the stint by Jessica today, I couldn't very well ignore his theory.

Did you mean 'snunt'? Or am I just imagining things?

Shubhi wrote:"Hey!" I sat down next to him, watching him take the last bite of his hamburger. He winced at me, and wiped off the mayonnaise sauce smeared on the right side of his face.

The repetative 'him' so close together... well that is always something that bugs me. You should probably try revising this, as it sounds a little bit awkward.

Shubhi wrote:Three months back his absence would have created a pit in my stomach and it wasn't that pleasant even now without him, but it was easy to convince myself that I didn't love him any more if he wasn't around.

This sentence was definitely a run-on. Run on sentences are something that hurt my head-- one of my biggest pet peeves. Of course, everybody writes them now and then-- including myself. Just add a period or even a comma somwhere in here. Quick fix.

Overall

I rather liked this, though the beginning seemed a bit... melodramatic. It's understandable that she felt hurt, but you're making it sound almost like somebody important to her had died or was dying. This got better the further in you went though. I would suggest reading over the beginning and toning it down. Just a little bit. Make sure Amy's hurt is still conveyed, just not quite as much. (Unless of course it's just her personality to be horribly melodramatic-- which it would seem judging by her dialogue.)

Otherwise, you had some excellent description. There were, however, a few words that were a bit... too descriptive. A few of these words seemed a bit strange-- more like something you'd find in a description in a dictionary or encyclopedia-- or a thesaurus than words you'd read in a story. Now, I would like to say that having a few of these words is definintely not a bad thing. In fact, having a few sitting around isn't such a bad idea. Just don't over-do it.

Otherwise, I really, honestly did enjoy this. You're an excellent writer Shubs!

Amy

I rather like this girl, to be honest. She's a very interesting character, if you know what I mean. It would seem that it was part of her personality to be a bit over dramatic, and she reminded me of Anne from Anne of Green Gables in a few places throughout the story. (I rather like Anne, though. )

Anyways, thanks for asking me to review!

x's and o's,
Ish

I hope this is what you wanted. You didn't leave a link on the page so I'm guessing this is what you wanted reviewed. I hope so!

I. Nitpicks:

You'rein soso in love with him, Amy!

Just a little muck up here. You rearranged is and so in the wrong positions, if you flip them the other way round it makes a whole heap more sense, I hope, to me anyway.

A sudden courage shovelled out the words out of my mouth.

Shovelled is spelt with a double 'l'. Actually now that I'm looking at it, I'm not quite sure. Just wait lemme look up the net (processing).....Yep, it is. That's what my computer says anyway.

II. Plot/Arc:

"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.
"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.
"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.
"No, Mrs-"
"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.
"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.

This teacher is getting awfully mad about her being wiht the fairies, does that seem likely? To me, teachers get angry but they don't start lopping people's heads off. I suggest you tone down Mrs. Harrowgate's emotion a little, make her mad but not so insulted like you've done. This works, don't get me wrong, but it just strikes me as odd. When I'm off with the fairies and a teacher catches me, she/he just starts complaining about people sleeping in their class or slap my desk...

The same with the jumper. My friend called my english teacher fat and ugly and the teacher only told him that he was ugly, also but in smooth kind of way so it didn't sound direct. You should do this with Mrs. Harrowgate. It will work well, but I don't suggest changing it if you don't want to.

Your pace is good but could be slowed down a bit more. Instead of just throwing out words add more imagery into them. You've already done that, but I think some more is needed. Just an inch. One other thing. This is kind of a cliche plot line. Make yours different from the others in some way. Love stories are usually cliche but I'm sick of always reading the same thing. Change it somehow, do it with the family history of one of the characters, someone dies...just little things that keep the reader hooked.

For example, Jake is a fish! That's different but probably not the best idea, so don't do it.

III. Overall:

Overall this was an excellent read. I didn't have many problems with it as Isha went through it with a fine tooth comb before. I insist you follow her advice as well as mine as they both do help in making this gold thing even more golder.

Keep going,
Cassa-de Review-ae

hi shubbi, Pointe here as requested.
AMY:

The screeching of the chalk against the blackboard coincided with the prom night being replayed inside my head. The flashing lights, the disco ball, and the worst of allhis hands rolled around her waist. I found myself trying to escape the wrath of the mist all around me, holding tight to the hem of my mauve gown. A faint echo buzzed around my ear, followed by the feel of a hand against my elbow. It was Jake. He held my hand gingerly, and pulled me back to him. The mist grew even stronger, his voice more still. I was sure he was saying something, but what. As if the whole world around me was slopping like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me, I groaned in pain. Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran down my spine.

"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there.

I tried to push away the puddle
is puddle the right word here????


of thoughts conquering my mind and bring back some gaiety to my heart. What would have happened if Ellen had never entered our lives? Obviously, Eric won't have been attracted to her like a magnet and right now his hands would have been covering my waist-not hers. And Jake? Not sure. For a hunk like him, finding someone who did justice to him couldn't have been tough. All might have ended well. If it wasn't for that Ellen-the witch she is.

I looked deep into the contemplating eyes of Jake-Don't you love me? It was the only thing that I could read in his eyes. I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes. You're in so love with him, Amy!I smiled. But what about Eric then? If he didn't care about breaking me, why should I care about him? As it is, he had someone.

It might have been this exact moment when something hit me hard on my face. I shrieked in pain, dimly aware of the greatest sin that I had committed. I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. How could you, Amy? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. I just stared at her.

"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.

"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.

"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.

"No, Mrs-"

"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.

"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.

"Then why weren't you looking at the board?"she growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world.

"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly-where did you buy this pink jokers' bodysuit from?"
is this speech or thought?



I pulled my head back a bit, and started eying her plush pink disaster. Her evil smile vanished, leaving behind a pout. I don't know what had gotten into me, but the bubbling anger inside me, directed at Eric, was coming out in this form. How much ever I tried to bring myself together to believe in my true love for Jake, in another instance my brain snatched me back to another conclusion-I loved Eric.

Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!

A laughter slipped out. Not from me, not from her. But from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter. As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down, though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.

Detention after school on Tuesday.I later came to know that she had proposed the same chit to Eric.

Neatly signed with her pink gel pen, it was nothing more than a routine for me. I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this. I had been numb all this while, just Eric's recent laughter ringing in my head. Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter. Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.

"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers. Look, she got a manicure for the first time. I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.

Jessica rose her hands proudly, fixing her glasses steadily on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" Mrs. Harrowgate smiled sweetly, folding her hands in front of her almost flat chest.

"The plants of this group bear-" Blah! Blah! Blah!

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As the dreariness of the Biology class washed away, I walked towards Jake, who was sitting on a table in the cafeteria. From where I was coming, only his bronze coloured hair was visible. He wasn't a Biology student. He believed that it was for nerds, debarring me, of course. And after the stint by Jessica today, I couldn't very well ignore his theory.

"Hey!" I sat down next to him, watching him take the last bite of his hamburger. He winced
winked?
at me, and wiped off the mayonnaise sauce smeared on the right side of his face.

"Hmm, sorry I had my lunch. What would you have? I'll get you whatever you like," he asked, pointing at the food stalls. I simply smiled and rested my face on my left elbow. Even though the Biology class was over, Eric's laugh pierced my heart and I felt a sudden raft of disgust on myself. What would he think of me now? I wondered. Shut up, Amy! Why do you care? Another voice from my heart stepped into my thought.

The coke drizzled down Jake's throat as he kept on looking at me. His eyebrows came nearer and lines transcended his forehead."What's the matter, Amy?"

"Oh, nothing-" Why did God give him his great face-reading power?

"Don't lie to me," he spoke. Deja vu
do you know what the definition of deja vu is? look it up and make sure thats the mesage you want to send
added to my already frustrated self.

As I lazily narrated the events of the uneventful Biology class, his face hardened. I don't know why, but it did. I told him everything except, of course, about the prom night pain. I managed to convince him that I was dreaming about our dance, and for the first time since I had began narrating, a smile ran through his lips, only to vanish again. Eric! His Laugh!

"How dare he?" Jake growled. His nose flared, and his innocent face transformed into the face of a devil. Only a devil I wouldn't be harmed by.

"Leave him, Jake. He's just missing Ellen today." I reasoned, not showing any favour for Eric in my voice. I was going for reasoning. Smart enough.

"But that's no reason to laugh at my girl."

"Leave that."

"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.

"It's fine. Let's go, I ain't in no mood for lunch." I kept my hands on his and pressed them tightly.
that came out of nowhere! up until then you used full words and proper speech. and then this came!

"You'll become a size zero model, then, I guess." He joked, and the smile I wanted to see had returned.

Jake signalled me to stand up and as I did so, he jogged to my side and wrapped his caring hands around my shoulders. We walked away from the cafeteria to our next class, History. Mr. Stuart had already started explaining Hitler's mindset with great interest when we entered. We set ourselves cozily on two adjacent desks. I leaned backwards and relaxed for the first time since the morning. No more of Eric for next thirty minutes was a thought enough to wash away all the pain.

Three months back his absence would have created a pit in my stomach and it wasn't that pleasant even now without him, but it was easy to convince myself that I didn't love him any more if he wasn't around. So his absence proved to be a boon for me.

My eyes shifted to Jake, who had already been looking at me for the past five minutes. I shot him a smile and turned my attention to the blackboard. No Mrs. Harrowgate either. Ah, what a bliss!

As I walked out of the school, with my fingers fitting into the spaces between Jake's, forming a jigsaw, a sense of pleasure grew in my stomach. The birds flew, the ocean blue of the sky was still intact and the mirth all around filled my heart with pleasure. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried to drift away to a world where there was no Eric or Ellen. Just my Utopia!
whats that????

~hope it helps Pointe

Ok I really like this story. I was a little confused in the beginning but as the story progressed I understood it better. I think the beginning is very fitting for a teenager. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Can't wait to read the next chapter.