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This thread was created on October 22, 2005

Funny true story, b-day

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zelithon
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:33 pm Post subject: Funny true story, b-day

Birthday By Gabrielle Knock true story (basicly) about my aunt I wtote it two years ago tell me what you think. Hi my name is Feefee AKA Boo yes it is a dog’s name and no I’m not a dog, either when I was born my parents had some sort of cruel wacky sense of humor or my mom was still groggy from the anesthetics whichever way here I am Fefee. I’m a girl in sixth grade I just turned twelve. I’m the second oldest out of four children. The oldest is Marvin, Barney is the youngest and Reese is the second youngest. It was a few days from my birthday, Saturday, and I was going to have the biggest birthday party ever, it was going to be a pool party, I was going to invite everyone! Monday- the day I passed out invitations, was going well and I was having fun passing them out even though there was over 90 of them to go threw before the end of lunch that is I was having fun until I gave Johnny his, he took one look at the card laughed and said sarcastically, “I’m totally going,” and abruptly dropped the card in the garbage. I just walked away I didn’t like him anyway. Later some girls giggled at the invitation but that was all. When I got home that night my brother Marvin looked at me and asked, “Did you really go threw with it?” “Go threw with what?” “You know, Boo,” came the response, “The invitations.” “Why wouldn’t I,” I answered, starting to get annoyed. Reese who had been watching T.V. burst out laughing, and not at the T.V. in-between laughs she screeched, “I can’t believe heHaHAha you he-he went through with it!” At that point I called them bose-ose and went to my room quite flustered. The next couple of days were quite dejected; with each response to my party I got more crestfallen all except about 20 refused the invitation. Here are some examples of my responses- Phone rings I run to get it Amber is on the phone I answer with enthusiasm, “HI, can you come?” The response, “Sorry but I like um, reading the um, dictionary then yeah that’s it Saturdays my dictionary reading day.” “That’s too bad are you sure you can’t ask your parents not to read it for one day?” “No sorry I love to read.” “I thought you hated to read.” “Like buy.” Phone rings Me: Hi did you come to say yes to coming to my party?” Alex: No. Phone rings I answer: Hello Britney. Britney: sorry, Fefee I can’t come to your party. Me: why not? Britney: Lacy invited me to her house. Me: Lacy is on vacation. Britney: Then I’m going to Disney Land. Me: WHAT!?! Britney: yeah well…hung up. Those are just a few examples of the eighty rejects I got. Party day, 23 people still coming I was still exited even though not as many people as I hoped were coming. There was decorations everywhere also ice-cream, a birthday cake, hamburgers, hotdogs, and a pizza was on the way. So I sat there waiting and waiting a balloon popped Barney put his finger in the cake and no one bothered to stop him. Five minutes passed, ten minutes, an hour no one came then it started the phone calls. Here are two examples: Me tearing up: Hello Janet: Hi Fefee I’m really sorry I have to wash my dog. Me: you don’t have a dog. Janet: uh we got one so-long. Kate: I have to go to my cousin’s bar mitsfa. Me: I thought that was last week. Kate: sorry about being so last minute and it is this week. I was brokenheartedly forced to have the party with my family, but I learned an important lesson that day: Don’t use Dora the Explorer invitations.
_________________ Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them! -Dr.Suess Deadpanners are backtalkers! badonkadonk Atheism is a non phophet organisation

QiGuaiGongFu
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:44 pm Post subject:

You really need to use commas and semicolons. They are your friends. Read this out loud, and where you break, insert the apropriate punctuation. Commas are generally where people take breaths, and without any, I had to inhale deeply before each sentence. You also have some run-ons that could be broken apart entirely. Look through each sentence you have, and where there is a break in thought, insert a comma. Where the thought changes entirely, insert a period. And where there is an incomplete thought behind a complete thought, insert a semicolon. "It was hot outside, like a restraunt kitchen during dinner hours. " One thought- but a break in the thought. "The kids down the street had ray gun specticles; they always annoyed me. " Two thoughts, one complete thought, and one that isn't complete, but we have enough information to run with. "It was hot outside. I don't like it when it's hot. " Two entirely different thoughts on the same topic. Some examples for you.
_________________ For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. - HL Mencken Lie together like butt. Presenting the GFuture, soon to be the Gnow, reality presented by Google. Welcome to GEarth. ~Baske in the randomness~

zelithon
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 4:31 am Post subject:

Woot! Thx for the critque, I will keep it in mind. I had forgoten about this.
_________________ Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them! -Dr.Suess Deadpanners are backtalkers! badonkadonk Atheism is a non phophet organisation

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Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 9:46 pm Post subject:

You definitely need to work on grammar and spelling. Putting sentences into structured paragraphs would help a lot, too. Hi my name is Feefee AKA Boo yes it is a dog’s name and no I’m not a dog, either when I was born my parents had some sort of cruel wacky sense of humor or my mom was still groggy from the anesthetics whichever way here I am Fefee. Wow... this is a HUGE sentence. Actually, this could be broken down into four shorter, separate sentences. It would look something like this: Hi, my name is Feefee (aka Boo). Yes, it is a dog's name, and no, I'm not a dog. Either my parents had some sort of cruel, wacky sense of humor when I was born or my mom was still groggy from the anesthetics. Whichever way, here I am, Feefee. I’m a girl in sixth grade I just turned twelve. I’m the second oldest out of four children. The oldest is Marvin, Barney is the youngest and Reese is the second youngest. The sentences here are too blunt. Instead of outright saying 'I'm this, I'm that,' you could incorporate it throughout the story. The reader doesn't need to be told directly what your character's status in life is. Monday- the day I passed out invitations, was going well and I was having fun passing them out even though there was over 90 of them to go threw before the end of lunch that is I was having fun until I gave Johnny his, he took one look at the card laughed and said sarcastically, “I’m totally going,” and abruptly dropped the card in the garbage. I just walked away I didn’t like him anyway. Later some girls giggled at the invitation but that was all. Again, one huge sentence. Monday, the day I passed out invitations, was going well. I was having fun passing them out, even though there were over 90 of them to go through before the end of the lunch. That is, I was having fun until I gave Johnny his invitation. He took one look at the card, laughed, and said sarcastically, "I'm totally going," and abruptly dropped the card in the garbage. I just walked away. I didn't like him, anyway. Later, some girls giggled at the invitation, but that was all. Try to lengthen and separate what is happening here. There are two different examples about how people responded to the character giving out the invitations. You should separate them and maybe even include a little example of the girls laughing at the invitation. “Why wouldn’t I,” I answered, starting to get annoyed. Reese who had been watching T.V. burst out laughing, and not at the T.V. in-between laughs she screeched, “I can’t believe heHaHAha you he-he went through with it!” At that point I called them bose-ose and went to my room quite flustered. Some mistakes here... Why wouldn't I?" I answered, starting to get annoyed. <- Instead of 'answered,' try another verb. 'Answered' doesn't seem to fit in this situation. Reese, who had been watching TV, burst out laughing, but not at the TV. I changed 'and' to 'but.' However, further rewording/revision is required here. In between laughs, she screeched, "I can't believe- haha- you- hehe- went through with it!" I didn't really know what to do with the 'hehe' and 'haha,' but you shouldn't have had as many as you did before. Maybe Snoink will have an idea... At that point, I called them bozos and went to my room, quite flustered. Bose-ose? I think you mean bozos. Phone rings I run to get it Amber is on the phone I answer with enthusiasm, “HI, can you come?” You should either not specifically name Amber or tell a little bit about her. Just throwing in her name gives the reader more confusion. Phone rings Me: Hi did you come to say yes to coming to my party?” Alex: No. Phone rings I answer: Hello Britney. Britney: sorry, Fefee I can’t come to your party. Me: why not? Britney: Lacy invited me to her house. Me: Lacy is on vacation. Britney: Then I’m going to Disney Land. Me: WHAT!?! Britney: yeah well…hung up. This is not a play... you don't need all this semicolon-dialogue business. Again, the name thing just causes more confusion. Instead of hurrying through this portion, you can describe the calls and show your building frustration. even though there was over 90 of them to go threw Those are just a few examples of the eighty rejects I got. Party day, 23 people still coming So many different numbers... Now, you might understand how many people you invited, how many people rejected your invites, and how many people still were going to come, but the reader does not. Don't just throw around details like this. Party day, 23 people still coming I was still exited even though not as many people as I hoped were coming There were no transitions of days/weeks/etc. at all until the party. Try to establish that time has passed through more than just 'party day.' So I sat there waiting and waiting a balloon popped Barney put his finger in the cake and no one bothered to stop him. Five minutes passed, ten minutes, an hour no one came then it started the phone calls. Here are two examples: Okay, I assume you are devastated at this point. A [symbolic] balloon has popped, your brother is screwing around, and no one has come! Mention something of how you feel. Also, make the 'phone calls' sound even more devastating. Set them apart. Five minutes, ten minutes, then an hour passed and no one came. Then it started. The phone calls. <- Don't put 'Here are two examples.' Just talk about the two calls and briefly mention the others. I was brokenheartedly forced to have the party with my family Your brokenhearted? Talk about it! Describe it! Don't just say you are brokenhearted!! but I learned an important lesson that day: Don’t use Dora the Explorer invitations. Eh... I found this anti-climatic. Oh well. You need to work on some things. As you write, make sure that it is clear for not only you, but someone who is unfamiliar to you. Also, work on grammar and structure. Best of luck. Janet: uh we got one so-long. Kate: I have to go to my cousin’s bar mitsfa Again, this is not a play, so don't have dialogue written like this! These are two different calls, so make yourself [or at least write it] answer the phone two different times. Also, it's bar mitzvah.

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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:35 pm Post subject:

DAM IT SUCKS!!! JUST KIDDING BUT I READ THIS THING HUNDREDS OF TIMES AND MUM HAS TOLD US THE REAL STORY ABOUT A MILLION (HEHE, HAVE YOU HEARD THAT ONE STORY....) I THINK ITS OK BUT U REALLY NEED TO EDIT IT. DOESNT MATTER THO, IM UR LITTLE SISTER SO I CAN INSULT IT!
_________________ LoveHorseshoe79 (4:28:03 PM): the worst thing is to make someone you love miserable because they are so scared to like someone else because you are always hovering over them Yes, I know, I'm very wise and knowing.

This thread was created on October 22, 2005	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on October 22, 2005

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