Topic ID: 140
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Drizzt
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Joined: 16 Nov 2004
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Country: California
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 Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 8:05 pm Post subject: Nature poem type thing |
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Does it work here?!?!? I don't really know.
In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze.
Up in the trees,
A bird if born.
Off the trail,
A wolf mourns.
Beams of sunlight
Through the fog,
Landing gently
On a log.
Along a trail,
Where nobody goes,
A little squirrel
Follows his nose.
I step upon the path
Between the trees, oh so tall,
And feel the warmth
Of early fall.
Nothing lasts too long,
Like forever,
So we must constantly look
For someplace better.
In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 5:32 am Post subject: |
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Nice poem.
Nothing lasts too long,
Like forever,
So we must constantly look
For someplace better.
Undoubtingly sensational. Two thumbs up! |
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aisu_ookami
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Joined: 17 Nov 2004
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Country: lala land
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| Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Great poem! The only thing I would think about changing are two of the stanzas at the end:
I step upon the path
Between the trees, oh so tall,
And feel the warmth
Of early fall.
Nothing lasts too long,
Like forever,
So we must constantly look
For someplace better.
I like the idea behind them but they seem too long to fit in with the rest of the poem. The other stanzas were 'faster' (fewer sounds) and the transition to these two stanzas seemed rough to me. |
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Kilty
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Country: Ireland
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| Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 5:39 am Post subject: |
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| I agree with Aisu Ookami about that, but other than that, I loved it. It creates a beautiful scene in my head. |
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Ieatworms
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 10:21 am Post subject: |
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I like the simple outdoorsy feel of this. You did a good job of isolating the images that would make this a clear representation of your scene. That's hard to do with nature poems- there's so much to write about. So, Kudos.
A few rhymes seemed forced.
"I step upon the path
Between the trees, oh so tall,
And feel the warmth
Of early fall."
I think that is why the longer lines lag a bit.
Good work.
PS- Since this doesn't really tell a story so much as convey an idea, it's probably better suited to the dramatic poetry page. |
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Twinkling Starz
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Age: 16
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| Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze. I love the first stanza, it's a good opening sentence.
Up in the trees,
A bird if born.
Off the trail,
A wolf mourns. Good imagery
Beams of sunlight
Through the fog,
Landing gently
On a log. I don't like the last line, the first three were beautiful and this just kinda ruined it. My opinion, though.
Along a trail,
Where nobody goes,
A little squirrel
Follows his nose. No comment for this one, It's not wonderful, and not bad either.
I step upon the path
Between the trees, oh so tall,
And feel the warmth
Of early fall. I feel 'tall' and 'fall' were forcly rhymed, like Ieatworms.
Nothing lasts too long,
Like forever,
So we must constantly look
For someplace better. This stanza is so beautiful, good one.
In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze. Good ending.
Overall, this poem is great. I really loved it. Good work!
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Boni_Bee
An old fashioned girl
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Country: Australia
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 2:42 am Post subject: Re: Nature poem type thing |
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In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze.
Very nice
Up in the trees,
A bird if born.
Off the trail,
A wolf mourns.
I think you mean 'is born'. wow, quite a contrast between animals..first a bird, then a wolf! It woke me up..
Beams of sunlight
Through the fog,
Landing gently
On a log.
I like how it brings you back to earth, by having the 'log' in it.
Along a trail,
Where nobody goes,
A little squirrel
Follows his nose.
Cute!
I step upon the path
Between the trees, oh so tall,
And feel the warmth
Of early fall.
hmmm...the second line is sort of 'out', as there isn't any other lines like it (with a comma half way through), I don't know if I like it, but I guess its ok. Another thing, you go from saying 'cool morning breeze', to 'the warmth of fall'...
Nothing lasts too long,
Like forever,
So we must constantly look
For someplace better.
This was nice, but it got off track from the rest of the story line...I think it would go better at the end of the poem
In the air,
Between the trees,
You can feel
The cool morning breeze.
I like how this is repeated  Good job!!! |
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