Young Writers Society

IIWickedDestinyII wrote:I revised the prologue from my novel Invisibles. I will be posting the revised versions of the other four chapters. Tell me what you think .


Prologue:


I circled around the man accused of her murder, Mr. John Brownher? who's her??. He was one of the best bankers in the town. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead as I sat down in front of him. He followed my every move as if I was a threat to him. Yes, I’m the best at my job for a reason. Then again who would think a skinny, tall, beautiful women was a threat. Although the ones you think little of are usually the worst.
“Were you having a sexual relationship with Miss. Cindy Martin?”not 'miss' change it to ms.
“No.” His answer short and sweet but his mind seemed to never stop talking.
She was so beautiful but I didn’t mean to kill her. Oh god what have I done, I’m a monster. He thought to himselfyou might want to make his thoughts italics.... I grinned knowing he had no idea that I could make out every word he was thinking.
“Yes you are a monster.”
His throat tightened and his mouth went dry. He licked his lips and his eyes shifted to mine. His eyes widened when he looked in them. My eyes like many others my kind were unusual. I grinned satisfied with his fear and confusion. I glanced up at the clock; he would be made if I weren’t home soon enough. I tapped my fingernails on the table slowly making Mr. Brown jump. I wasn’t a patient person. The next words he thought out carefully, not realizing I could still hear them.
“What kind of monster are you.”question mark!!
“One you think you only read about in books.” I bared my teeth and he shrunk into the seat. As I said this I placed my hands on the table and looked him back in the eyes.
“Just be careful about what you say because remember to every liethis little part is sort of confusing ' what you say because remember to every lie' do you mean 'what you say because I remember to every lie,' there is actually a riddle inside revealing the truth.”
I stared him down with a blank face and slipped into his mind.
Just tell her the truth. Just say what really happened. Mr. Brown’s eyes glazed over as I did this. I blinked, breaking the connection. Mr. Brown straightened up and folded his hands on the table.
“Miss,” He paused forgetting my name.
“Idda.”
“Well, Miss. Idda, I guess you will figure things out sooner or later. So I have decided to be a gentle mangentleman is one word and tell you what really happened.” I smiled and heyou don't need the 'he' here scratched the side of his face nervously. I didn't care if he told me out loud I could easily just torture it out of him. That would be much easier than sitting in this room for hours questioning him. At least with torturing I could do it fast and be home before Star.
“Thank you Mr. Brown. That is very considerate of you.” Pathetic mortals, they had a guards as thick as a piece of paper. I held back a laugh. Mr. Brown then began to tell me everything, starting at the beginning. He told me everything from when they first meetchange meet to met to when he killed her. When he finished the story he snapped out of the trance. He realized what he said as I got up, grabbed the tape recorder and winked at him before opening the door.
His shoulders slouched and I watched from the other room as a tear fell from his eye, hitting the table in slow motion. Only my race was able to see that. We were the only ones living with these special powers and the numbers were decreasing faster and faster. The ones that were supposed to be keeping us safe were actually killing us. They said they would protect us but then stabbed us in the back.
I motioned for the guards to arrest him and handed the tape recorder to my forty-year-old assistant who was quite annoyed she had to work for a child. I smiled at her and she handed me my coffee.
“You did it again Idda. How do you do it?” She asked, a pen and notebook in her hand.
“You just need to know what mind games to use and how to use them to your advantage. You have todon't use the 'have to' get inside their head and learn the information they are hiding, the information they hide between the lines.” It took her a lot of strength to thank me and put on a smile. As she turned away I could feel her grimace. I walked to the front office and was told I was wanted on line one.
I picked up the phone and held the cold plastic to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Tessa,” My heart fluttered as I heard his voice. “Soon enough my darling. Soon enough.” The man ended the call and I was left standing there listening to the beeping sound the phone made. No, he can’t come back in my life. Not now, not ever, I told myself. My heart said something totally different. It told me to let him in. To ditch Star and embrace my true destiny. To embrace my past, fully this time. I pushed away those memories and strode out the front doors. I put a grin on my face and went to look for something to drive.
I guess we should start at the beginning of all this.