Topic ID: 5101
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4evadreamin
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 Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 7:56 pm Post subject: The Fisherman and his Daughter |
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The fisherman and his daughter,
Walked along the sand,
They spoke of the water,
Together, hand in hand.
That day he had brought her,
His motherless daughter,
Down by the water,
To speak of dangers off land.
The mighty sea roared,
With a rage filled with dread,
“Man overboard!”
The fisherman was dead.
The fisherman sought her,
His motherless daughter,
As she walked by the water,
Grief filled her head.
The fisherman’s daughter,
Walked alone in the sand,
His spirit in the water,
Far, far from land.
She wiped away a tear,
A voice she could hear,
“Come, my dear.”
Her father’s firm demand.
Off the cliff-edge she cast,
Her sorrowful past,
Father and daughter reunited at last.
Far away from land.
The fisherman and his daughter,
Washed up against the sand,
Their spirits in the water,
Forever, hand in hand. |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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| It was a bit choppy and there were some funny sentences to fit the rhythm/rhyme of it. Despite that, it was all right. I think it could be a little longer, to enchant the reader more. |
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Sam
starface
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:52 am Post subject: |
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Wow, that seriously rocks all, for a rhyming poem. You have the beat down pat, I could clap to it all right and it fit. Nice cadence to it...
Nothing to pick at! Wow! That's a first... |
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4evadreamin
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 9:15 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks, I didn't mention that I wrote this when I was eleven, it's not the best poem I've ever written, I just found it in an old notebook... Glad you thought it was alright though, thanks again. |
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Don't you knowyou might find,
A better place to play."-Oasis. For dreamers. |
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FireGirl
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 10:26 am Post subject: |
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| Thisis really good. I like your choice of words and the imagery... |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, you were only eleven when you wrote this? I liked it a lot, and now I like it even more knowing that you wrote it at that age. It was sad, but not in this horribly, melodramatic, angsty kind of a way that is all too common with many young writers. Very nice work. |
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Boni_Bee
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:15 am Post subject: |
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I liked this, it had a sad, forlorn feel to it. I think 'the fisherman and his daughter' was repeated a bit much, but apart from that it was great!  |
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J. Haux
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Oh my, did I not comment on this before? I read it!
Um...I'm not very good with poetry. But I can recognize this: it's a circle story. The fisherman and his daughter start out, and end, together hand and hand. That's a clever technique. I liked that. You also have repeated phrases that have the same effect.
I find the fact that her father called her to her death ("demanded"!) rather creepy, actually... |
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4evadreamin
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for all the feedback on this... Yeah, it's sort of creepy, because it's a "circle story" (never heard of that before, good way to describe it.) I had to keep to certain rules and her dad "demanding" her to jump off the cliff was the only way to describe it. Thanks for the suggestions! |
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Don't you knowyou might find,
A better place to play."-Oasis. For dreamers. |
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Ieatworms
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:20 am Post subject: |
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You told your story very well. It had the feel of the classics. Vaguely Poe.
There are a few clarity issues and rhythm breaks to iron out. For example:
The mighty sea roared,
With a rage filled with dread,
“Man overboard!”
The fisherman was dead.
The fisherman sought her,
His motherless daughter,
As she walked by the water,
Grief filled her head.
My two immediate thoughts on this stanza were: "We're they just walking on sand? When did he get on-board to become man-over-board?" And, "If he's dead, how is he seeking her?"
BTW- If this was you at 11 I'm dying to see the work of your adulthood. |
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4evadreamin
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the review! Great suggestions. Thanks. |
_________________
"Look inside the eye of your mind,
Don't you knowyou might find,
A better place to play."-Oasis. For dreamers. |
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