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Distraught: Chapter 2



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Mon Jul 05, 2010 12:43 am
Day says...



Hey everyone!

This is the second chapter of my novel, and I hope you all enjoy it. I know it is quite uneventful, but it helps introduce the characters and setting. Next chapter will be super action filled I promise!

BTW: This is from a different perspective. The book will switch between the Assassin and the princess.

Tear it apart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter 2

Light seeped in through the windows, and a small thread of hope wound its way into my mind as I stared into the mirror. I had to convince myself that tonight father would finally let me grow up. The girl in front of me stared back glumly. Long straight brown hair flowed down to her upper back, and the normally glistening blue eyes were dark and troubled. It was apparent that she spent a bit of time in the sun, because her skin was lightly tanned. She wore an elegant white dress that flowed to the ground. The picture would have been perfect, if not for the frown that was spread across her face.

Although her attitude was bleak, the room behind her emanated a sense of happiness. Red tapestries adorned the large windows, and the warm light came flooding through them, landing on colorfully painted walls that depicted numerous scenes. The large bed that stood in the center of the bedroom was covered in fine silken sheets of many lush and vibrant colors.

Taking one final look at myself, I set down the brush that had been in my hand and moved swiftly toward the doors across from my bed knowing I was expected in the banquet hall. My chamber was located in the west wing of the castle, so I began making my way down the elegant hallway. Suits of armor and shields belonging to famous knights of the past were hung on the walls. The west wing’s primary hallway was connected directly to the main entry hall of the castle. As I entered the room I noticed its familiar eloquence.

It was a large chamber with banners and the finest of all weapons placed on the walls. Across from me was the entrance to the east wing that contained most of the guard and servant chambers. To my right were the large, seemingly impenetrable doors that would hold off any attacker who made it this far. However as long as I had been alive, the kingdom had been at peace with neighboring countries. Tonight the doors had been opened all the way to allow easy entrance into the castle. I moved swiftly across the ancient stone floor toward the left side of the room, which featured two impressive wooden doors. The nearest to the west wing lead into the banquet hall, my destination, farther down the wall, closer to the east wing, was the throne room.

Opening the wooden doors a bit, I slid into the room, hoping to go unnoticed. Sadly that didn’t happen. Upon entering the room, Meredith, the kind elderly women in charge of maintaining general affairs around the castle, spied me as she issued orders to the servants around her. Tables had been set up at the far end of the room, including a large one where my father and I would sit. A large space for dancing was left open in the center of the room. Servants were pouring in and out of the kitchen entrances on the right side of the room, carrying uncountable delicacies for tonight’s feast. It was the biggest event of the year, and all the nobles from each fief would be arriving at the palace shortly, which meant I would be ignored while father enjoyed the company of some of his closest friends.

Having finished with the servants, Meredith called “Come here, Alice. We don’t have time to squander with all these nobles coming. Last year, they ate everything I had prepared and demanded more. This year I’ve prepared enough to feed an army!”

Yep, good old Meredith. I bet she won’t stop going on about the food until the event starts, then she’ll be hiding in the kitchens. “Coming,” I called back to her as I shuffled toward her in the uncomfortable dress.

“Your father wants you to sit next to him at the head table tonight, and he says you should try to act as ladylike as possible,” Meredith droned on. Even though she seemed to go on and on, I knew she meant well because she took care of me when I was younger. I already knew father would want me to be on my best behavior with all the important guests coming, was it necessary to tell me every year? Ever since I was ten, father had been telling me that same thing. Seven years have passed, yet he still has to tell me. He doesn’t want to admit that I’m growing up, one day I’ll have to be queen.

Then Meredith’s voice brought me out of my trance, “Hurry along now, so that we can finish all this work before they arrive.”

“That’s all father wanted?” I asked inquisitively.

“He didn’t mention anything else, no.” At this she gave a small smile and turned away and marched back into the kitchens.

The last shred of hope I had that father would allow me to leave the castle was gone. Now I would never leave this forsaken castle. I had expected Meredith to tell me that he wanted to see me in his room, but who was I kidding this was just another day. Surely he must realize that I’m old enough to go on a diplomatic mission on his behalf. Noticing that I hadn’t moved from where Meredith had left me I trudged back out the door into the entry chamber.

Crossing the room swiftly I headed out the open doors and into the entry courtyard of the castle. The area was quite empty apart from hedges, flowers and fountains. It was only a short walk from the castle to the outer wall, but it felt long in the long dress. Normally the portcullis would be down at all times, and guests would enter from the smaller side door. Since today was special father had decided to keep it open to create a friendlier atmosphere. Next to that the small guardhouse stood built into the side of the wall. After lightly knocking on the heavy wooden door it soon opened, and I was greeted with the face of the guard on watch.

I didn’t know him that well unlike most of the guards whose names I did know. He had a bit of facial hair and looked to be in his early twenties. The expression on his face was quizzical I guess he didn’t expect the princess to show up. Finally deciding that he was the new guard I had heard about I replied, “Hi Andrew would please allow me access to the castle walls,” in the most elegant voice I could. His mind still seemed to be processing the fact that the princess was visiting him which wouldn’t have bothered the other guards who I was on good terms with. “Well?” I implored trying to get his brain working again.

“Yes, sorry Princess. Right this way please,” he said guiding me to the familiar steps that led up onto the castle wall. It was my favorite place at the castle to pass time. I thanked him and quickly climbed the steps to the outer wall. Leaning on the edge I scanned the horizon. The view of the countryside was great, and in the distance you could even see the town of Clearwood. Beyond that lay the never ending forests. Slowly the sun was creeping toward the edge of the forest and soon it would be nearing dark. My eyes glided to a stop on the road which to my surprise already featured a few black blurs on the horizon.

After a few minutes the shapes became the discernable figures of people. They were most likely the first of the Barons and Lords that would be arriving tonight. From my position on the wall I could hear the birds chirping, and the smells of wildlife found their way to my nose. Being outside gave me such a fulfilled feeling that everything was perfect. Time began to slip by as I watched the countless arrivals most of whom I recognized. Finally I saw my long time friend, Mary, and her father, Baron Tabard, slowly riding down the path. Instantly I was filled with happiness at the prospect of conversing with her.

I made my way in the dress back down the stairs and through the guards keep. A few of them glanced up as I dashed by doubtlessly wondering why I was in such a hurry. Trying to look as normal as possible I watched a few of the guests pass by although I didn’t know any of them personally. Mary and her father at last arrived.

She was wearing a beautiful green dress that went well with her dark hair and hazel eyes. Below that was a large smile that spread itself across her face. A large sapphire necklace was wrapped around her neck. The baron riding a few paces behind her was dressed in a fancy tunic and surcoat.

After seeing me waiting for her Mary dismounted gracefully, and came running toward. We hugged for a long moment until pulling apart with smiles on our faces. Maybe tonight would turn out well after all. Baron Tabard rode up on his horse. Looking at us he gave a chuckle, and then continued riding toward the castle.

“What have you been doing these last six months?” Mary asked me excitedly.

“The usual, just being stuck up in this old castle,” I replied with a sense of amusement. Mary was the only person who knew how much I wanted to leave the castle, and go on a diplomatic mission to visit the other countries. We began walking back toward the castle.

“One of these days he’ll see that you’re grown up now. For now you’re stuck here with me.”

I feigned depression, and smiled back at her. “Shall we see how much trouble we can get into before you leave?”

Her face lit up with amusement, “Remember last year when we made that horrible mess in the kitchens after the feast, and we got food everywhere. Then your father gave us a long lecture about our actions.”

“Ah, Meredith was furious with us, and it took her forever to get the kitchen clean again. Those poor dresses were ruined forever, but good riddance. Father always has me in some silly dress during these big events.”

The two of us approached the castle doors, and entered into the main entry hall which was bustling. Before I could suggest that we go into the dining hall a breathless soldier walked up to us.

He bent over and took a breath before speaking, “Lady Alice, your father has requested to see you in his chambers right away.”

“Thank you sir,” I said while curtsying. He walked off probably to enjoy the night in the guard chambers where they would be holding their own party.

“What do you think your dad wants?” Mary put in.

“I’ve no clue, but hopefully it goes well. Shall we meet up tonight after the opening speech?”

Exchanging one final hug I said goodbye, and headed toward west wing. My father’s chamber was located at the very end of the hallway. Would he reprimand me for something? Give me some sort of speech tonight? When I reached his door I knocked. Instantly it swung open, and the imposing figure of my father appeared. I was greeted with a warm smile, and he stepped aside to allow me entrance to the room. Although he appeared complicated and well dressed in person his room reflected his true manner.

It was a simple room that featured only the necessities, just the way my father liked it. Overall it was similar to mine in layout. Tall windows that overlooked the countryside west of the castle stood opposite the door. A large four post bed was in the middle of the left wall, and a few wooden dressers scattered the wall opposite the bed. A desk and multiple bookshelves lined the wall alongside the door, and my father would spend countless hours poring over the books and maps.

Deciding to sit on the bed I moved over to it and settled down on the edge. My father shut the door behind me, and started his usual pacing. A few moments passed in which he must have been collecting his thoughts. Finally he started though a worried expression had now come over his face, “Promise you won’t get into any trouble tonight? I know how you and Mary can be.”

“You know we just have fun dad. No one ever gets hurt.”

“I know, just promise me tonight you won’t do anything to cause a commotion. Mary is going to be staying through tomorrow because Baron Tabard and I have business to discuss. You can do anything you want tomorrow just wait until then. That’s all I ask.”

After reasoning with myself I came to the conclusion that it was the best offer I was going to get although it wasn’t what I had wanted to hear. I guess my dream would just have to wait. “yes, father. May I return to the feast now?”

“Of course dear and try to have fun tonight,” he replied.
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"
  





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Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:28 pm
*coco says...



Hiya Day, thanks for the email :D

So you were right about this being uneventful, perhaps you could have broke it down with the point of view of the assassin also. Anyway, I'm hoping you keep your promise and make the next chapter incredibly exciting! You had a few grammatical errors here and there but that's nothing that a few minutes of editing won't fix. Overall this was okay, but I can very much say that I am looking forward to chapter three :smt003

*coco

P.S. When chapter three is ready please post the link up on my Will Review For Food page. Thanks!
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Wed Jul 07, 2010 4:07 am
kingolions says...



Hey Day. I guess you were right. It wasn't the most exiting or thrilling chapter I've read, but its better than a lot of stuff. I did pick up a few grammatical errors, but it can easily be fixed. But this could be a very good lead up to the next chapter. It can lead up well to what may happen. Over all, it is good, but has a few things that could be fixed up. Sorry if the review isn't that great. I don't usually review novels.
  





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Wed Jul 07, 2010 3:55 pm
Sins says...



Helloooo :)

I'm here to review... duh.

I had to convince myself that tonight, father would finally let me grow up.


It was apparent that she spent a bit of time in the sun, because her skin was lightly tanned.

You don't need the comma that highlighted in red here.

Although her attitude was bleak, the room behind her emanated a sense of happiness. Red tapestries adorned the large windows, and the warm light came flooding through them, landing on colorfully painted walls that depicted numerous scenes. The large bed that stood in the center of the bedroom was covered in fine silken sheets of many lush and vibrant colors.

I very much liked this description. :)

Taking one final look at myself, I set down the brush that had been in my hand and moved swiftly toward the doors across from my bed, knowing I was expected in the banquet hall.


As I entered the room, I noticed its familiar eloquence.


However, as long as I had been alive, the kingdom had been at peace with neighboring countries.


The nearest to the west wing lead into the banquet hall, my destination. F farther down the wall, closer to the east wing, was the throne room.


Yep, good old Meredith. I bet she wouldn't stop going on about the food until the event started, then she'd be hiding in the kitchens. “Coming,” I called back to her as I shuffled towards her in the uncomfortable dress.

You changed tenses a bit here. I think I can see why you did it though. The only time you need to change the tense in a story is either when someone is speaking, thinking or if there's somehting like a letter in it.

Seven years had passed, yet he still had to tell me. He didn't want to admit that I was growing up. One day I'd have to be queen.

Changed tenses again. :wink:

“He didn’t mention anything else, no.” At this, she gave a small smile turned away and marched back into the kitchens.


I had expected Meredith to tell me that he wanted to see me in his room, but who was I kidding? This was just another day. Surely, he must have realize that I was old enough to go on a diplomatic mission on his behalf. Noticing that I hadn’t moved from where Meredith had left me, I trudged back out the door and into the entry chamber.

You seem to be having problems with changing tenses. If this is written in the past tense, try and keep it in the past tense.

Crossing the room swiftly, I headed out the open doors and into the entry courtyard of the castle.


Since today was special, father had decided to keep it open to create a friendlier atmosphere. Next to that, the small guardhouse stood built into the side of the wall. After lightly knocking on the heavy wooden door, it soon opened, and I was greeted with the face of the guard on watch.

You don't need the last comma in this part.

I didn’t know him that well, unlike most of the guards whose names I did know.


The expression on his face was quizzical. I guess he didn’t expect the princess to show up. Finally deciding that he was the new guard I had heard about, I replied, “Hi Andrew, would you please allow me access to the castle walls,” in the most elegant voice I could.


“Well?” I implored, trying to get his brain working again.


“Yes, sorry Princess. Right this way, please,” he said, guiding me to the familiar steps that led up onto the castle wall.


Leaning on the edge, I scanned the horizon. The view of the countryside was great, and in the distance, you could even see the town of Clearwood.


My eyes glided to a stop on the road which, to my surprise, already featured a few black blurs on the horizon.


After a few minutes, the shapes became the discernible figures of people.


From my position on the wall, I could hear the birds chirping, and the smells of wildlife found their way to my nose.


Time began to slip by as I watched the countless arrivals, most of whom I recognized.


Instantly, I was filled with happiness at the prospect of conversing with her.


I made my way in the dress, back down the stairs and through the guards keep. A few of them glanced up as I dashed by doubtlessly wondering why I was in such a hurry. Trying to look as normal as possible, I watched a few of the guests pass by although I didn’t know any of them personally. Mary and her father, at last, arrived.


After seeing me waiting for her, Mary dismounted gracefully, and came running towards me.


Looking at us, he gave a chuckle, and then continued riding toward the castle.


“One of these days, he’ll see that you’re grown up now. For now, you’re stuck here with me.”


Her face lit up with amusement, “Remember last year when we made that horrible mess in the kitchens after the feast, and we got food everywhere? Then your father gave us a long lecture about our actions.”


Before I could suggest that we go into the dining hall, a breathless soldier walked up to us.

How and why is the soldier breathless? If you'd said that a breathless soldier ran up to you, I'd understand. It's just that it seems kind of weird to me that he's out of breath, yet walking. How is he out of breath? I'm being a bit picky here. :lol:

“Thank you, Sir,” I said while curtsying. He walked off, probably to enjoy the night in the guard chambers where they would be holding their own party.


“I’ve no clue, but hopefully, all is well. Shall we meet up tonight after the opening speech?”

I think that 'all is well' sounds better here. It's just a suggestion though.

Exchanging one final hug, I said goodbye, and headed toward west wing.


When I reached his door, I knocked. Instantly, it swung open, and the imposing figure of my father appeared.


Although he appeared complicated and well dressed, in person, his room reflected his true manner.


Deciding to sit on the bed, I moved over to it and settled down on the edge.


Finally, he started speaking, though a worried expression had now come over his face, “Promise me you won’t get into any trouble tonight? I know how you and Mary can be.”


Mary is going to be staying through tomorrow because Baron Tabard and I have business to discuss. You can do anything you want tomorrow, just wait until then. That’s all I ask.”


After reasoning with myself, I came to the conclusion that it was the best offer I was going to get, although it wasn’t what I had wanted to hear. I guessed my dream would just have to wait. “yes, father. May I return to the feast now?”


“Of course, dear, and try to have fun tonight,” he replied.



Overall

Just because a chapter doesn't have any kick-ass action, it doesn't mean it can't be good. In fact, if an uneventful chapter is written well, it can be a really good read. As a whole, this was pretty good. It gave use readers a chance to get to know your characters a bit, which is certainly important. It is always good to let your readers feel a bit of a connection with the characters before you include any vital happenings in your story. Although you may think that chapters like this are boring, in the long run, they are important to the story. When to comes to the plot of the story, it hasn't progressed that far yet, obviously. It is only the second chapter, after all. What I can tell of the plot though is good. I can definitely see this turning into a really great, exciting story. As for the grammar in this, I did find quite a few errors when it came to the use of commas. I understand that completely though, commas are rather confusing. Although your grammar could do with a bit of work, your spelling was good. I found one misspelled word, I think, but except for that, I didn't find any misspelled words in this. :)

My main critique for this is the fact that I sometimes noticed you changing the tenses. The areas that you did change the tenses, I could see why in fact you did that. You seemed to be doing it in the parts where the MC was talking about her life at the moment in the time when this scene was happening. Because of that, you assumed that it would make sense if it was written in the present tense. I used to make the exact same mistake. Although what your character is talking about is happening in the present tense of the story, it should be written in the past tense. It's really hard to explain... :lol: Sorry if I'm being unclear. When you do realise what I'm talking about and what I mean, it will all make sense to you and you'll be able to write by using your tenses correctly. The main reason that keeping the same tense throughout a story si that it's simply much less confusing. You must keep it in the same tense unless a character is speaking or thinking, or if there is a letter, note, or anything like that in the story. If not, you must always keep it in the same tense. This may sound confusing right now, but you will understand it eventually. Trust me.

Overall, I can tell that this story certainly has potential. I really like where it is going so far. One of my favourite things about this are your descriptions. You came up with some very nice ones that didn't take over the entire chapter, thankfully. There weren't any giant info clumps or any giant description clumps either. They are always very good things to try and avoid. As a whole, your grammar is pretty good, you just need to be careful of when and how to use your commas. All that you really need to do now is to take into consideration what us reviewers say, and have said. Once you've done that, you should edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could most definitely end up with a really great piece of writing here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian 8)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Fri Jul 16, 2010 3:43 pm
Lava says...



Hey Day! (Haha, that rhymed.)

Sorry I'm a little late. I was overwhelmed with work. Anyway, here I am.

Okay, so onto the review.

Light seeped in through the windows, and a small thread of hope wound its way into my mind as I stared into the mirror. I had to convince myself that tonight father would finally let me grow up. The girl in front of me stared back glumly. Long straight brown hair flowed down to her upper back, and the normally glistening blue eyes were dark and troubled. It was apparent that she spent a bit of time in the sun, because her skin was lightly tanned. She wore an elegant white dress that flowed to the ground. The picture would have been perfect, if not for the frown that was spread across her face.
The start wasn't very powerful. Light through the windows/gazing from the windows is used a lot, and it doesn't always add to the effect of the story.
Also; someone on YWS, gave me very good advice against using the mirror as a tool for throwing in description. You can always play around with words to throw in description, 'kay? The mirror is not the most effective one out there.

Although her attitude was bleak, the room behind her emanated a sense of happiness.
I do like how you use the sentence to bring in the description. However, your description is more 'royalty' than happiness. Pick one of those and describe with respect to that.

The west wing’s primary hallway was connected directly to the main entry hall of the castle.
Instead if stating things like that, I would prefer if you could phrase them so that they 'show' us the place. Like say how she turned into the hallway that connected the west wing to the elegant main wing or something like that.

So, I've not read the previous chapter and I shall be giving my thoughts entirely on this.
Description: You have good description, dear. Just that you should work on the how,where,when you put it in. Of course, you need to practice on it, so go ahead. :) At some places, the description was a lot like info-dumping. I would like for you to work on 'showing' rather than 'telling' If you need help on this, PM me.

Character: Well, I understand that this MC is a pretty typical 'bored royalty,' but, I would like you to work on her a bit more. Show us something that would make her different and special. I would like a better picture of her so that I can connect with her.

You dialogue was pretty fine and so was the flow (as far as this chapter is considered.)
Anyway, it was a good read.
Keep writing.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand