Hi all I'm Alex, I'm 19 years old and I'm writing my first book.
Like all starting writers I need comments and hints on how to go on, since I have no idea if what I got is any good at all.
So please check the attachment and comment on it
Edit: I've redone it a bit after the firs review.
Also Id like to know what you think of the stuff that happens, do they solve it in a good manner or could it be a bit better? Just cross the parts which you don't like. or do like.
Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route is best known as the capital of a the human empire. It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls one could see clearly for many miles for no tree nor rock obscured but an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.
This great city was centuries old and books could be filled with the tales of its history. But this was not the way, because it want against the ancient traditions to write these stories down. They were to be passed down from generation to generation, each adding the tales of his or her lifetime.
And every twenty five years, twelve children would be chosen to be thought the history of the lands.
It was today that the first day of the chosen twelve had started, all at the age of twelve. For these children had much to learn and learning comes natural at young age.
The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.
At that moment an old man. He was wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair is very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard.
“I bid you a fair welcome young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very sudden, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy busted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.” He paused, “If you all take your studies seriously and I will see enough progress in the first month, I will arrange a meeting with all of your families.”
The children cheered, knowing that this was a rare proposition and that most of the chosen ones did not see their family for the first year.
The man sat down at the fire. “Well young ones, let us start with the learning.” He signed the children to move closer. “I shall start at the beginning, or rather before the beginning, This is the tale that tells the creation of our world. ” The man started telling the tale, with the children listening to him with great care, knowing that they needed to remember it.
The creation
There was a time before man and before the gods, a time even before Earth. In this time there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up nor any other direction for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity.
This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive and let it exist in your thoughts, we call this entity Cosmos.
And so the first things that he created were static objects, rocks varying from small to unimaginably large, which floated around in his space. After having that done Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks, but soon grew tired of them and went further. He wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world.
He formed and molded them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us, man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to provide them with happiness and joy. But for this they would need a place to dwell. So he made his creation fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it once it has a suitable dwelling place.
For for this task he created five great gods to do create a home for man.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.
The leader of the five, Named Balor, was granted with great strength and wisdom. His brother Blot, equally wise, but lacking in strength compared to his brother. Wymar, the middle brother, was granted powers of creation. The last brother, Gwawl, mastered all physical skills. And the lone sister, Anu, granted with love and compassion.
Balor. He was the leader of the five and granted with great strength and wisdom. Next was Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later counterbalance with cunning and trickery. Then Wymar, the middle brother who was granted powers of creation far stronger than those of the others. After Wymar came Gwawl, given mastery of all physical skills. And at last came Anu, the lone sister, granted with the greatest love and compassion.
He also gave all of them the understanding of their powers and mission so that they would not waste time on these meaningless matters. And so they were sent out by Cosmos to start shaping the world of man.
All of the Gods had visions of how this world should look, trying to convince the others why their ideas where best. Balor and Gwawl agreed on a world made out of floating rocks and stones, held together by long ropes, thus creating a cast island system. Anu and Wymar who did not agree, envisioned a liquid world, where all men would swim like fish in the sea. And Blot did not participate, he believed that he could solve anything with his own mind. This discussion however soon resulted in a quarrel between the gods, fiercely defending their visions and pushing them upon the others.
“These men have legs to stand not fins to swim!” Balor exclaimed, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
“It would be safer than your baneful idea,” replied Anu with an irritated voice. “How long do you think it would take for one to fall? Our world would be safe as they cannot fall.”
Blot was still silent. He gazed into infinity, hoping his siblings would stop this foolishness. It was then that he noticed the answer to their fighting, something far away. He then realized what it was and quickly addressed his brethren, “Fight no more my brothers and sister, for I have found the place where man shall dwell!” And then he quickly moved to what he had just seen.
The other gods, surprised by this sudden claim, followed Blot, forgetting their disagreements. Once they reached the object that Blot had seen they all gazed in wonder at the sheer size of this thing. It was a huge, flat rock. One of Cosmos’ old creations. They all agreed that this would be the base on which they would create the world of man. It did then not look like it does now. No, it was a barren lifeless rock when the gods found it.
They saw that this plane was large enough for all their visions and so all the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.
Balor did not like the flat texture of the land so he raised it, thus creating the mountains and hills but also the valley’s, coves and cliffs. Wymar, after adjusting his vision created water, a highly mobile element, and spread it all across the plane. The water flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds. The very ones that we can still see around us.
But this new element had a great weakness, for unlike earth, being free in its movement, it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath the plane.
The Gods had to act fast to save Wymar’s element otherwise it would all be lost in the unending depths of Cosmos. Gwawl tried to create a great stone wall around the plane to keep the water inside, but because of its great strength it cut through the walls or simply ran over them, only postponing it’s doom.
It was Anu, who had a flash of insight on how to save the water, not by saving it but by replacing it. She used her powers to create a formless entity that could give birth to water and thus refilling that which was spilt. She put these creatures in the sky above the plane so that they could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life. Being the first life on the plane these creatures were proud and short tempered, if one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. These beings go by the name of clouds.
After restoring the balance of the water the Gods soon noticed yet another problem with the water. When standing still it was harmless but once flowing it would cut into the land and erode the rocks. Balor furious because of the destruction of his work wanted to smite the water out of existence but then Anu interfered, again using her gift to create life that would guard this element.
She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent any from disturbing it. But unlike the clouds no wisdom was passed down to them, for Anu did not see reason to give them any. So mindlessly the plants grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two.
This is when Wymar gave the plants the gift of thirst. This would ensure that these plants would not leave the harsh borders between water and land but also the water gave them the strength to grow taller than ever before. With this becoming their primary instinct they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.
From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues. Anu was thrilled with this gift for it colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined.
Unfortunately Blot and Gwawl were revolted by the appearance of Anu's children, they dominated the land where they preferred the bald beauty of the watery hills.. Blot could not comprehend how his siblings could create such horror without their consent. For it was Blot who found the plane and therefore saw himself as its foremost lord and ruler.
So the two brothers decided to free the lands of these foul creatures to in this way restore the prior beauty of the lands, which Blot found. And thus they started plotting and scheming behind the backs of the other gods.
Their first step in the salvation of the plane was the creation of a new being, a task that Gwawl took upon himself. This being was a powerful one, granted with great strength and omnipresence. This being could rise up and expose anything in its way to great forces, sweeping them with him. Even the mighty clouds where but a playball of its will. This omnipresent force, mastered in the likeliness of the great Cosmos, is called Wind.
The other Gods liked the new element for it made the world more dynamic then it had ever been. Producing waves in the water, spreading the seeds of the plants and blowing the clouds where they where needed. But what they did not know is that this new element would play a great role in the scheme of Blot and Gwawl, who had by now planned it all out.
He took on a single plant and together with Gwawl he corrupted it’s being by taking away its roots and strengthening its hunger, but not for water. No, this plant hungered for other plants. Glowing red hot with the anger and hatred of it’s being this plant was the tool that the Gods would use to free the world from the other plants. Literally fighting fire with fire.
It was then that Blot released his child onto an great forest that stood near the most southern edge of the plane. The fire was small at first but immediately started gnawing on the trunks of the trees, rapidly growing and expanding. Spreading its seeds across the trees, thus giving birth to more fire. It spread fast and devoured the all the flora that grew in its path, jumping from branch to branch yet not forgetting those on the ground, never did it feel satisfied. No, it’s hunger grew even greater making it move faster and faster. It was not long before the entire forest was overtaken by the fire, reduced to blackened stumps and ashes. Just before the fire ran out of plants to burn Gwawl summoned his wind to help spread the fire across the lands.
Noticing the blaze in a corner of the lands the three gods soon turned to investigate this odd sight. Once they had reached the place they were shocked by the destruction that was caused to the forest that once stood here. It was Anu who was shocked most by this sight and overtaken by her grief and sadness she released her tears upon the lands. These tears coming when touching the fire caused it to remember what it once was and filled it with sadness and remorse. It could not bear the deeds that it had done so it extinguished with a sad last puff. Seeing this Wymar summoned his water, mixing it with Anu’s tears. Thus turning it into a weapon to be used against the fire. With this vast quantity water mixed with tears the fire was soon overcome by the Gods, Blot only managed to save a small flame by holding it in his hands.
Balor filled with rage because of this shameless feat of destruction spoke to his two opposing brothers; Why did you destroy that which was so dear to us and your sister? He bellowed.
“For she destroyed what was beloved to me!” Blot screeched, “I found these lands so I should be the one who decides on what get’s placed here! I loved the barren lands and she polluted them with her foul creatures.”
“You had no right to attack her creations,” replied Balor in anger.
“Neither did you have the right to destroy mine!” Said Blot while extending his burnt hand. “This is my creation and it has just as much right to exist as do yours.”
“Do not oppose my Judgment!” Interrupted Balor, “Our creations in no way destroy each other, but you made yours specifically for this task. Now look at this foul thing, it even gnaws on the hand of its master. Destroy that foul thing I tell you!”
“Never!” Yelled Blot, “It is mine and I shall keep it, You have no right to deny me that!”
“As you wish,” replied Balor, now more calmly, “but as a punishment the damage this creature caused you shall be permanent. The pain shall be a good reminder of your deeds.” Having said that he left Blot turned to Anu to comfort her with her grief.
Gwawl, trying to fix his deeds, spoke to the other gods, “My brothers and sister, I am truly sorry to have caused you such pain. We cannot destroy the fire but we can put it where it shall not harm Anu’s children. I propose that my brother and I create a swelling under the lands, a place that will be untouched by Anu’s children and a place where the fires can live freely.”
The other gods looked at Gwawl and agreed to this plan, even Blot did not oppose.
Balor addressed Anu in a sad tone; “I fear that they are beyond healing, but we can ease their suffering by sending them off the plane to join with our father, the great Cosmos.” At this Anu looked up with a small smile on her tear-covered face, “Yes, that would ease their suffering,” she replied.
And so it happened that the gods placed the fallen children in the great sea, letting Wymar’s ocean carry them over the edge into the embracing arms of Cosmos. This why we send our dead onto the sea on a burning ship. For it is the only way that we are sure that the gods shall see to it that it arrives safely in Cosmos’s eternal embrace.
Meanwhile Blot and Gwawl where working hard on creating their underground realm, hidden deep beneath our feet. Filled with Blots fire, which soon after it was released, gave birth and spread across the halls they made. Safe from Wymar’s water but longing for Anu’s children. It was then that Blot swore to have his revenge for the unjust curse that his brother put upon him, looking at his scorched, burning hands, living in constant agony.
Gender:
Points: 1877
Reviews: 2