Hey Connie.

I'm gonna try to give you my input despite my brain being a bit broken.

So I like this idea--the fairy tale feel of it. Of course, I'm a sucker for fairy tales, so. But it keeps in the tradition that a lot of them (Grimm!) were very dark before they evolved into what they are now. I like that (it seems) you kept it that way.

It seems to flow well together and has a nice rhythm. So that's all good.

I'm a bit confused, though; why is she going down? And in what way? Where'd Jack go? I suppose she's feeling very lonely, has no one to give her much direction. If you wanted to build on this, that would be a good place to start. Because right now, it's sort of like I'm watching a scene of a movie on mute and sort of wondering what's going on. It sort of has a bit of a feeling that I can't quite put a finger on right now.

Very nice potential. I want to see what all you can do with this.

I like the simile about the giant, and it fits quite well in here. I'd say that was my favorite part.

I hope this at least helped a little bit. I'm a little off today, so I wouldn't be surprised...And look at all the times I said "sort of!" Alrighty.

Anyway, still hope it does help. If you need more info, or me to clarify myself, or to be like, "What in the name of Centaurs was that, Van?" feel free to bug me.

Take care!
Freyja

Hi Conrad! I really liked this poem. It was short and sweet; you had fantastic word choice and imagery. I've only read a few poems of yours before, and they're all pretty solid, but there a few areas in this one that don't make since, like this first part.

Conrad Rice wrote:She found herself on a far western shore,
with the ocean before her;
like a giant that pretends to slumber,
until it wishes to ravish the town.

I don't understand how these two are related. They're both fantastic little phrases on their own, but a goose on a shore compared to a giant who wants to sleep? Maybe you could go for something a little less obscure.

Otherwise, I really like it. Your last three lines are just gorgeous. Come and find me if you need anything.

-Elinor

The ending is a bit detached from the poem. The ashes part that is, it's practically random.

There was no Jack in sight,
she would tumble down on her own,
down the beach and into the water

I think after the jack in sight line you need a line break or some transition verb/phrase thingy. To make the lines flow more smoothly.

And to be honest, most of this seems choppy to me but I never really read mother goose, so I am just going to assume that is why.
Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

Hi Conrad.

Loved your poem. Like a fairytale but very dark and edgy. You don't try to cover it up with happiness, just showing it in the original form. I have read some of your work before and I sort of get. But I can't understand the meaning behind this it is too vague. Overall I loved the imagery and I think that you did a great job!

I like it It's cool. Just because it doesn't make sense doesn't mean it's not any good, because it is. And it does make sense Haha to me anyways. It was a bit short, I wish it could've been longer. Yeah, but anyway, good work! Keep up the good writing.

Hi darling!

She found herself on a far western shore,
with the ocean before her;
like a giant that pretends to slumber,
until it wishes to ravish the town.

So I forget exactly what this error is called, but you've executed it rather hilariously. Due to word order, you have me thinking that she is "like a giant that pretend to slumber, until it wishes to ravish the town." Now, I know you mean the ocean, but because the her is next to the parenthetical expression, it's syntactically logical that the expression is in relation to her. Since you're not, I think, trying to rhyme between her/slumber, why not:

"She found herself on a far western shore,
before her the ocean lied
like a giant pretending to slumber
until..."

Removes the error altogether and reads a bit better, but try going for your own version of it.

There was no Jack in sight,
she would tumble down on her own,
down the beach and into the water.

My biggest problem with this bit is that the punctuation is not properly reflected by the phrases. The first is a sentence, the second is a sentence, so something different needs to happen there other than a comma. Also the repetition of "down" isn't too great.

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

I find this rather out of place. Since I know the history of the line, and that the poem is about suicide and not about the black plague, it doesn't seem to fit at all. It's not witty or anything and I think you'd do better to create your own wonderful line that actually works instead of using someone else's

Now to look at the poem as a whole. So from the title I can tell you're trying to do a mother goose - grim fairy tale kind of thing. As far as Brothers Grimm go, the only bit you've taken from it is suicide, when the stories themselves are about much more than just grim things. Mother Goose-wise, the only things I can pick up on would be "jack and jill". So, in general, the title isn't very accurately reflected in the poem. The poem itself could be witty and cute and morbid but it's just not there yet. It's about suicide - and yet I feel nothing when I read it. You're just stating facts instead of creating emotions and feelings. It's very to-the-point, which poetry can be, but it has no effect. It needs some kind of oomph, and right now I don't feel like it has that. How you choose to do that is up to you. Imagery, symbolism, metaphor - whatever.

I hope this helped and I didn't give it too much of a beating. I tried to be specific but not over the top. It wasn't bad by any means, but the oomph is important.