5 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Statue Man
by KnightlyAngel09 on Thu Mar 11, 2010 1:19 pm
If kisses could, you know I would
bring warmth upon your lips,
but lips speak lies, all frost and ice
— I shiver when I kiss.
Too cold for me, unpleasantly,
I tremble in your arms.
For marbled souls have never stole
a kiss that made me warm.
Chiseled hands on statue-man
will hold me dear and tight,
yet hands so cold can never hold
a heart that will ignite.
I shiver and you hold my hand,
and strive to keep me warm;
but in your eyes, you’re frost and lies;
A statue in a storm.
~What about the joys of being alone?
~Hogwash! What else is an unmarried woman supposed to say?
~Hogwash! What else is an unmarried woman supposed to say?
-
Robert Browning is my new love.
- Reviews: 209
- Age: 17
- Gender:
- Location: Pilipinas/Neverland
- Posts: 404
- Points: 2194 | Donate | Give Gift
- Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:24 am
Re: Statue Man
by Howler on Fri Mar 12, 2010 2:26 am
I like this piece, and the whole hot vs. cold thing you've got going along. If one thing bugs me, it's the semicolon uses. I love the semicolon, but it's used in some unnessecary places and it's not used in the needed sections. I noticed this two times, mainly;
The semicolon at the end of the first line can become a comma, no question.
That dash just looks ugly and misplaced. A semicolon at the end of ice works best. Or you could put a comma at the end of ice, and then start the next line with "and". Either way, it works. The "and" might work better.
Other than that, I liked the piece alot. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!
I shiver and you hold my hand,
and strive to keep me warm;
but in your eyes, you’re frost and lies;
A statue in a storm.
The semicolon at the end of the first line can become a comma, no question.
but lips speak lies, all frost and ice
— I shiver when I kiss.
That dash just looks ugly and misplaced. A semicolon at the end of ice works best. Or you could put a comma at the end of ice, and then start the next line with "and". Either way, it works. The "and" might work better.
Other than that, I liked the piece alot. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!
"Space I can recover. Time, never"
-Napoleon Bonaparte, 1769-1821
"Many a man lives a burden to the earth; but a good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit, imbalmed and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life"
-Areopagitica, John Milton, 1608-1674
-Napoleon Bonaparte, 1769-1821
"Many a man lives a burden to the earth; but a good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit, imbalmed and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life"
-Areopagitica, John Milton, 1608-1674
-
Cartoon Kid
- Reviews: 50
- Age: 16
- Gender:
- Location: Paradise
- Posts: 457
- Points: 5600 | Donate | Give Gift
- Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:20 am
- Blog: View Blog (226)
Re: Statue Man
by inkwell on Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:56 am
Excellent poem! It is very well written with great scheme. While reading it I could feel the warmth and chills that you provoked. Third stanza is my favorite. 
"Only the educated are free."
- Epictetus
- Epictetus
-
Humanist
- Reviews: 49
- Age: 17
- Gender:
- Posts: 110
- Points: 2194 | Donate | Give Gift
- Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2010 6:08 am
Re: Statue Man
by Elinor Brynn on Sat Mar 13, 2010 4:35 pm
Hi there!
This was a cute poem-I liked it. Your simple imagery and word choice create the perfect mood for this poem. However, for all the strong points that it had, it had a few weak points too.
The phrasing of this seems a bit awkward. When I first read it through, I was really confused because I wanted to know what kisses could do. Perhaps you could write it like this, "You know I would bring warmth upon your lips-if kisses could". It's a bit more solid that way.
What's too cold? If you mean a kiss, it probably belongs in the preceding stanza.
This is confusing. You spend a few stanzas saying that kisses make your narrator cold, and now they make her arm?
Ah, I get it.
-
Overall, this was a nice, chilling poem with a fantastic start. PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor
This was a cute poem-I liked it. Your simple imagery and word choice create the perfect mood for this poem. However, for all the strong points that it had, it had a few weak points too.
KnightlyAngel09 wrote:If kisses could, you know I would
bring warmth upon your lips,
The phrasing of this seems a bit awkward. When I first read it through, I was really confused because I wanted to know what kisses could do. Perhaps you could write it like this, "You know I would bring warmth upon your lips-if kisses could". It's a bit more solid that way.
Too cold for me, unpleasantly,
What's too cold? If you mean a kiss, it probably belongs in the preceding stanza.
a kiss that made me warm.
This is confusing. You spend a few stanzas saying that kisses make your narrator cold, and now they make her arm?
I shiver and you hold my hand,
and strive to keep me warm;
but in your eyes, you’re frost and lies;
A statue in a storm.
Ah, I get it.
-
Overall, this was a nice, chilling poem with a fantastic start. PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Pure Imagination
Pure Imagination
-
American Princess
- Reviews: 613
- Age: 14
- Gender:
- Location: Metropolis
- Posts: 2275
- Points: 13820 | Donate | Give Gift
- Joined: Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:19 pm
- Blog: View Blog (51)
- Badges:
Re: Statue Man
by ace3900 on Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:45 pm
I love how it all flows, and the ryhming.
It does have all the things I like in a poem:
#Iambic Pirameter
#Rhyming
#conveys a message/story
Good Job!
It does have all the things I like in a poem:
#Iambic Pirameter
#Rhyming
#conveys a message/story
Good Job!
-
Novice
- Reviews: 0
- Age: 15
- Gender:
- Posts: 8
- Points: 102 | Donate | Give Gift
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:11 pm
5 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests