The Young Writers Society

Donate · by **jasminebells** on Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:00 am

Beast Is Dead Majorly Edited Chapter 1

by jasminebells on Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:00 am

Prolouge

She was never smarter. I could reassure myself that as amazing as she seemed to be she was never smarter. Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier. She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything until I was stuck living in her shadow. While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality and Best Eyes and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator; I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine ( the stoners used it as joint paper).

Beauty and the Beast, we were called. Who do you think was the Beast?

But I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being out shined, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene. I'm sick of it ...but soon the Beast would be dead....the Beast would be dead and a new better Selene would rise from the ashes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Chapter One~

The loud beep from the car woke me up, even though I knew it wasn't for me.

"Selene! Get your ass out here!" a laughing teenage voice yelled from outside the 2.3 million dollar mansion.

"I'm coming, hoe!!" yelled an equally happy voice back, breaking the silence of the early morning.

I shoved the pillow over my head, trying to get back to my pleasant dream, the one where Selene didn't exist. After a minute or two, my mass of long golden ringlets popped out from the pillow and sighing I untangled myself from the covers and got out of bed.

The door slammed shut and a car door opened then shut, before the engine ran and Britney Spears began to play as the car drove on. I went to the window and just breathed for a moment, cherishing the red-orange falling leaves and the crisp cool air before the car exhaust fumes ruined the moment.

I walked into my bathroom and started my morning routine, consisting of brushing my teeth then washing my face whereas Selene's routine took several hours and some weird sort of Peruvian cream.

I dried my hands and went back to my bedroom, still in pajamas. The blue/purple color I had begged my dad to paint four years earlier now just seemed very 8th grade. Ha, the entire room seemed very 8th grade, very innocent and naive. In 8th grade we were all innocent and naive though...never had to worry about anything but when the next Degrassi season was coming out...well those days are long gone.

I stripped off the PJ's and put on baggy cargo pants and a loose t-shirt with the words, Live Love Believe, inscribed on it in tight cursive letters. I grabbed my bag filled with neatly pressed homework and my green poetry notebook before walking down the spiral stairs to leave for school, hoping to make it before-

"Honey, did you have any breakfast?" my mother's sweet voice rang through the lonely house. I turned and looked towards her. She was in her black robe, eyes still baggy from sleep, her mouth puckered in a small smile. She was once beautiful, many years before, but when she was dealing with all the shit fate gave her, her beauty slowly but surely began to decline. I missed 3rd grade, when mom was pretty, Selene would actually talk to me (shocker, I know), dad would actually be home and we'd have dinner like the all-American families you see on the cover of House Keeping .

"Yeah mom. Of course" I said. Lying was easy now, just as the hunger pangs didn't bother me as much anymore. Nothing really bothered me anymore, other than the squeals of joy coming from my sister every morning when her stupid friends came to pick her up...

"Okay, have a good lunch, sweetie and don't forget your pills." my mom said before turning and walking back into the bedroom. What BS. My mother never gave a crap about me until the stupid physiatrist diagnosed me with anorexia. I was put on meds for a while but I stopped taking them when I realized all they did was make me a passive zombie. Of course mother dearest didn't know that and I don't plan on her finding out anytime soon. It would just worry her and my "best friend" (in her eyes anyway) Selene.

I grabbed the small Rite Aid prescription bottle of Dexedrine and pulled out two tiny orange tablets. I shoved them in my pocket and closed and set the bottle on the table. I slung my no-name bag over my shoulder and walked outside as ready as I would ever be to face what I like to call hell on earth AKA senior year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So watcha think?!

Last edited by Writersdomain on Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: please do not use all-caps in the title!

Who is this "Life" and why is he throwing Lemons at people?

I write for the same reason I breathe..if I didn't I would die

Everytime my math teacher speaks, a little part of my soul dies in pain

Pants on the Ground! Pants on the Ground! Lookin' like a Fool with Your Pants on the Ground!

Donate · by **Lena.Wooldridge** on Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:38 am

Overall, I can really really really relate to, like, half the stuff that is in this. From the missing third grade to lying to your mom about breakfast. That aspect of it makes it really believable.

:arrow:

However, I think that some parts of this may be a bit cliche'd. Like the idea of a twin sister being overshadowed. The whole beauty and the geek thing is a major stereotype. To solve this, you should tone down some of it a bit. For example, at the beginning, Selene gets a list of titles, and I'd cut some of them out. The whole "best smile," "best hair," etc is not published until the end of the year, in the yearbook (and I'm assuming that you're giving her the actual title of these things). Also, a student can only receive one reward like this. So I'd take out some of those.

:arrow:

Conjunctions. Are. Bad. Take em all out and replace em with the full thing. (ie don't becomes do not).

:arrow:

There's some small little funky things. Like when you say that

the stoners used it as joint paper

That just doesn't really work out. I'm assuming that you don't smoke the ganja.. But yeah most people don't really use magazines to roll their stuff (They'd be smoking the ink, they'd have to cut it up, the gloss on the pages would mess it up, etc).

:arrow:

The starting of this is really weak. I'd fix that.

:arrow:

What is the MC's name?

This is a really nice start. I would actually read some more of this if you posted it, and I'm not just saying that.

PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
Lena.

Donate · by **Light_Devil!** on Tue Feb 02, 2010 2:24 pm

Why hello thar, I am Light_Devil and I shall be your reviewer today.

Well, let's begin, shall we? :lol:

jasminebells wrote:While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality and Best Eyes and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator; while I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine ( the stoners used it as joint paper).

In red, there is an accidental space. (Also, I added an extra word to make it flow more.)

But I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being out shined, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene.

"Out shined" should be hyphenated to be "out-shined" and Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene should be in "these". So people know that it's a title.

I'm sick of it ...but soon the Beast would be dead....the Beast would be dead and a new better Selene would rise from the ashes...

You stuffed up a few of your ellipsis here. They should all look like your last one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, please. Just have three asterisks (***). Please?

"Selene! Get your ass out here!" a laughing teenage voice yelled from outside the 2.3 million dollar mansion.

This should be $2.3 million mansion. It doesn't really matter about dollar signs in this. As long as you know you should read the dollar sign later.

"I'm coming, hoe!!" yelled an equally happy voice back, breaking the silence of the early morning.

Again with the "yelled". Choose a synonym of this, like maybe "screamed".

After a minute or two, my mass of long golden ringlets popped out from the pillow and sighing I untangled myself from the covers and got out of bed.

Uhhh, you lost me with the first few string of words and then "untangled" isn't a word. I think you're looking for is disentangled.

The door slammed shut and a car door opened then shut, before the engine ran and Britney Spears began to play as the car drove on.

Please don't use the same word in a sentence. It is pet hate of mine. Maybe just completely get rid of the first "shut". It would still flow and sound fine.

In 8th grade we were all innocent and naive though...never had to worry about anything but when the next Degrassi season was coming out...well, those days are long gone.

Added a comma for you.

"Honey, did you have any breakfast?" my mother's sweet voice rang through the lonely house.

Start a new par. here

.

"Yeah, mom. Of course," I said.

When someone stops talking or is talking, start a new paragraph. Also, you need to relearn your comma rules. I'm finding a lot of places they need to be.

It would just worry her and my "best friend" (in her eyes anyway) Selene.

If you have the speech marks around the best friend part you really don't need the double affirmation of the part in the brackets as well. It's like stating the same thing in a different way.

I grabbed the small Rite Aid prescription bottle of Dexedrine and pulled out two tiny orange tablets. I shoved them in my pocket and closed and set the bottle on the table. I slung my no-name bag over my shoulder and walked outside as ready as I would ever be to face what I like to call hell on earth AKA senior year.

To many sentences starting with "I". Either combine a few or reword them.

Overall:

I liked this. I think I already know the plotting of this, but I don't like to think myself so cunning as to get it right. I like the character's personalities and the fact that she sounds a lot like me (apart from the anorexia XD). I think you need to pay attention to a little more description and as well as where you need to put commas. Sometimes it looks fine, but then there will be this whole paragraph where there are none.

Anyways, PM me when you write more. I'm intrigued by it.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

Donate · by **BondGirl007** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:01 am

I read the first chapter you did with this, and I'll say this one's better, but one thing that really bugs me is the main character. I don't feel any sort of connection to her, I don't even know her name. She just seems very bitter to me, but maybe you add to her personality in the next chapter which I have yet to read.

Anyway, this part here needs rewording.

I grabbed the small Rite Aid prescription bottle of Dexedrine and pulled out two tiny orange tablets.

Try "Grabbing the small Rite Aid prescription bottle of Dexedrine I dumped two pills into the palm of my hand." Or something to that affect.

Also here.

but when she was dealing with all the shit fate gave her,

Should be
"but when she was dealing with all the shit fate had given her,"

Donate · by **ofir** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:19 am

Hi there! First off, I really like your pic. I have the same goal

Let's start with me liking it. I mean, really, really liking it. It's very good in my mind. I bet you've heard this before, but you've got some serious talent, not just as a thirteen year old [guy who wrote Eragon was 15, so I heard] but as a writer in general. Awesome.
Now, reviewing time! In the first sentences [2-3] you repeat 'end up' two times. I'd advice changing one of them [second one would be better to change, in my mind] for fear of repitition.
Now, listen closely; grammar lesson coming [I'm not brilliant at it, but I'm trying to share what I do know]. Here's how it should be: When the actual person isn't speaking, it's capital letters afterwards. When the person is speaking, then it's a comma afterwards.
Example from text:
"Honey, did you have any breakfast?" My mother's...Capital letters!
"Yeah Mom, of course," I said... Comma!
"...don't forget your pills," my Mom said.... Comma!
Example unrelated to text:
"It's this early, I guess." My eyes were hazy.
"I wonder," I said.
It just kind of distracted me while reading. I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't mind, but a story this good should be proper.
Alright, characters time.
Your main character is very intruiging. I love her point of view - most people, when writing a story from the "other side" [unpopular side] make their character the perfect girl which nobody notices. You did differently. Bravo for that. She's anorectic, doesn't care about what her mom tells her, doesn't take her pills, and basically hates her sister, while still missing the time when they were friends [third grade, and eight grade]. Brilliant. I love her as the main lead. Selene - is the perfect home-coming-cheerleader type. Nobody's perfect, though, so I think you should keep that in mind. But she doesn't talk to her sister - so her personality can't be as good as everyone thinks. I can't wait to hear more. Mother - loved it. She only started caring after her child was diagnosed. It's not the complete cliche though, since she doesn't press the point or get over protective. From what I see, she's marking v's by a list, you know? It's great. Father - we only know he's not home anymore. More will be revealed later, I suppose?
Plot line. Great prologue, got me really interested. I can't wait to read the rest!
I hope this helped.
Again, awesome story.
Ofir

Donate · by **shubhiloves2write** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:32 pm

I liked the story,the plot.Your description of Selena is in my head but not much about the narrator is being told.Considering your age,I think you are writing.You have a long way to go!!!!!!:D

Donate · by **AspiringAuthorA..M.** on Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:30 am

She was never smarter. I could reassure myself that as amazing as she seemed to be, she was never smarter. Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier. She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything until I was stuck living in her shadow. While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality, ~~and~~ Best Eyes, and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator;. I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine ( the stoners used it as joint paper).

Excuse me, but I didn't quite understand that sentence.

But I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being out shined, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene. I'm sick of it ...but soon the Beast would be dead....the Beast would be dead, and a new better Selene would rise from the ashes...

"I'm coming, hoe!!" yelled an equally happy voice back, breaking the silence of the early morning.

I'm pretty sure the first voice already broke the early morning silence. :lol:

I shoved the pillow over my head, trying to get back to my pleasant dream, the one where Selene didn't exist. After a minute or two, my mass of long golden ringlets popped out from the pillow, and sighing I untangled myself from the covers and got out of bed.

There are two tenses in this paragraph. Never fear, it's a problem all writers have. :wink:

The door slammed shut and a car door opened then shut, Too many door shutting, it's disorienting. before the engine ran and Britney Spears began to play as the car drove on. I went to the window, and breathed for a moment, cherishing the red-orange falling leaves, and the crisp cool air, before the car exhaust fumes ruined the moment.

I didn't fix this paragraph well enough. There is still something about that makes me scratch my head. :smt017

I would go through your entire story as I usually do with my reviews but, you basically have repeats of the same errors I have already covered thus far. And, your other reviewers did a nice job of covering them too.

Now, about your story itself. I wasn't particularly intrigued by the twin story element. But, what's not a cliched idea?

And, Senior year huh? I know how that is. My Senior year is terrible.

So, naturally I understood the story particularly well.

Will review Ch. 2 soon as you requested. :wink:

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