The Young Writers Society

Donate · by **AquaMarine** on Mon Feb 08, 2010 8:59 pm

Never stopping.

by AquaMarine on Mon Feb 08, 2010 8:59 pm

Er, yeah. This type of poetry doesn't work for me sometimes, but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm not sure it it sounds too much like prose with line breaks, or if it's weighed down by unnecessary words, but I'll let you all decide!

(Edited thanks to awesome reviews)

Don’t stop, never stop,
keep up with the stars
follow the moon's orbit,
run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.

If we stop then we go back
past the stars and the sun,
trapped, sliding through grey skies,
hitting the hard, cold earth
full of whispering voices,
tendrils of malicious thought. 

Need pulling us forward
with straining muscles and
mouths scarred with weariness.
breath catching on splinters,
greedy fingers clutching.

Don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.



~Amy

Last edited by AquaMarine on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.

Will review for high fives and/or smartie cookies.

Donate · by **smorgishborg** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:35 am

Too vague, but very fixable, and thankfully not overdone.

Spoiler! :

AquaMarine wrote:Don’t stop, never stop,
keep up with the stars
follow the moons orbit,
run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.

A refreshing beginning, mostly because the language is crisp, clear, and totally unpretentious. There's a point, we see the point, and you back it up with an interesting choice of description. I don't really care for the last line of the stanza, it aims for an interesting contrast between the sun and the moon, but I think Line 3 is more inspired, and overpowers Line 4. Consider rephrasing it to something I haven't heard or seen before.

AquaMarine wrote:Stillness brings realization,
the stringing together of words,
flicking them with a heavy tongue
weighed down by long lost meanings.

Here's my problems as a reader began. In the first stanza, the idea of constant movement (aka 'never stopping') is cheered on. This stanza seemed strange, because the first line seemed to suggest that in fact, stillness was preferable. So
I'm confused, should we never stop, or should we stop?

My inclination is to reread this stanza as suggesting that we must never stop because stopping would bring realization which is a bad thing. Suddenly this poem is not about running to or running for the sake of running, but rather running from something. That said, this was not clear to me initially, and it's something that really should be more apparent. Line 2 and Line 3 each seemed to regard stillness favorably, while Line 4 was the only one to suggest some kind of negative- (what is lost?).

I'm not sure Lines 2 and 3 each made sense in the context as well, but I'd leave you to rewrite it first, and then I'd focus on what the point of those lines is. To me, stanza 2 is this poem's source of structural failure. Revise it.

AquaMarine wrote:Need pulling us forward
with straining muscles and
mouths scarred with weariness.
breath catching on splinters
~~which pull at unravelling clothes,~~
greedy fingers clutching
~~at a fading hope.~~

Consider deleting Lines 5 and 7. It then reads:

Need pulling us forward
with straining muscles and
mouths scarred with weariness.
breath catching on splinters
greedy fingers clutching—

I think this tightens the stanza considerably. Line 5 takes away from Line 4 which is way better. Line 7 just isn't that unnecessary, I think the 'fading' is implied by the 'fingers clutching' and the hope is implied by the drive of the stanza.

AquaMarine wrote:So don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.

Remove 'so'.

Now the 'you' has been introduced here, which is jarring. Does it work? Hard to say. I'm not entirely positive if the you should be hinted at earlier in the poem, because now, the you is the focus. No longer am I running from something, but now WE are running from something. And suddenly the whole meaning has changed, for the better, but I'm not sure the rest of the poem backs this up. And it should, and I'd love it too.

Overall, I'm pleased to read a poem in this forum that doesn't peddle in black/white imagery, doesn't have a single overwrought description, and isn't about lying down and taking some unmentioned hardship, but rather is about taking action, about staying moving, about making a end of it!

Tighten it, and we're in business.

Donate · by **Elinor Brynn** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:08 pm

Hi Amy! Here is your review, as promised.

AquaMarine wrote:Don’t stop, never stop

This line just doesn't seem to cut it for me. It kind of makes me think of the beginning of a bad rap number, especially with the repetition. A better way to structure this would be, 'Please don't ever stop'. This is because of a few reasons. Firstly, it flows better and it's not so chunky. Secondly, it seems to fit in with the prettiness of this poem a bit more.

keep up with the stars
follow the moons orbit,

'moons' should be "moon's" dear. You aren't referring to multiple moons but rather to something that one moon possesses, in this case the orbit.

run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.

I loved this line. Pure lyrical beauty, m'dear.

Stillness brings realization,

Huh? This was a bit of a sudden transition. You didn't mention anything about the character stopping, and introducing the halt here is kind of jarring.

So don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.

I'd keep the 'don't stop' part like this. I don't know how to describe it, but here the repetition really seems to compliment the story that you are telling.

:)

While I love smiley faces, please don't put them in your writing. Makes ya kind of seem amateurish.

Anyway, that's all I have. This was a well-written poem with a good basis. Find me if you have questions.

-Elinor

Donate · by **peanut19** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:28 pm

Amy! I'm gonna review this

Don’t stop, never stop,
keep up with the stars
follow the moons orbit,
run ‘till the sunlight fades behind you.

Should be moon's. And there should either be a comma after the second line, and instead of a comma in the 3rd line it should be a semi colon

Stillness brings realization,
the stringing together of words,
flicking them with a heavy tongue
weighed down by long lost meanings.

Okay, in the first stanza you are running. Why is it still? I know it's a figure of speech and you aren't really running but it sounds odd to be suddenly motionless.

Need pulling us forward
with straining muscles and
mouths scarred with weariness.
breath catching on splinters
which pull at unravelling clothes,
greedy fingers clutching
at a fading hope.

This was a little wordy for me. I read it silently and it sounded fine but when I read it aloud it seemed like there were too many words to say in a row. Maybe change the line breaks a little or you could add one or two more lines and break it into two different stanzas. And unraveling only has one L.

So don’t stop, never stop,
pull my hand on a journey
run ‘till you sleep
then run more in your dreams.
Never let us stop.

I agree with smorg about the so. I think it would have more effect if you were repeating what you began with so you should take it out. I think the second line would sound better as "pull me along on a journey" Or into a journey then a comma after journey. There should also be a comma after sleep.

You also need to decide if you are going to have capital letters after a period or have all lower case. You had some spots where you put a period and had a capital and some where it was still lower case. It will make it easier to read if it's consistent.

Hope that helped.
~peanut~

Donate · by **TheNewHero** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:29 pm

TheNewHero, TheLastOlympian, TheLightningThief, here to review.

Now I'm not a poet, but...

First thing I thought of was Katherine Patterson's ending to Jap. Running in the twilight and all. Very pretty. First thing before we review: What was the aim of the poem? If you know the answer to that then you can review my review.

Maybe, all we need for this poem is a backdrop? Maybe. Just, one stanza. About Life, the Universe and Everything. Then kick off.

"run ‘till you sleep" doesn't really ring Oomph! Try something less involved with literally falling unconscious, ""Run till reality fades, into dream. And even then, run in your dreams."

Now, we talked in chat too. I'm happy with the ending, and I don't know just how much this is true but, perhaps (Especially if you add a backdrop) end your poem with a line like: Sunlight, or, You've made it. Or not even that. Just a beautiful scene. The Vanilla Twilight along the rolling hills...

Anyway, that's all I could think of. I'd listen to the poet above. Looks as if she knows what she's saying. Well done, Hero out...

Donate · by **poojaaa16** on Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:31 pm

I LOVED IT. that's all hehe.

Donate · by **Matt Bellamy** on Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:01 pm

Hey Amy! I quite liked this because it could be interpreted in different ways, and different readers can apply it to different situations and possiby relate to it, which is great. I like the kind of space theme you had running through it, like space is so vast and never-ending, that means we will never run out of places to run and there is no excuse to stop! I love the last stanza - run until you sleep, and then run some more. It sounds vaguely amusing - not too funny that it brought down the tone, but just something that made me smile. I think maybe you could say something about the motion of arms and legs in the third stanza, to further emphasise the runningness (word? xD) but apart from that, nicely done.