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Armadian
Greggles
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 Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:47 am Post subject: Shadows |
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Darkness covers all of me.
Its like whenever I move
I Kill something, I hurt something.
Its just like theres a shadow over me.
Controling everything I do,
Everything I say.
Everything I do...it contradicts.
It reduces me,
It makes people hate me.
It makes all feelings of good,
Evaporate into what seems
like sea of endless hate.
I have come to think
its not the shadow,
Its you.
You control everything I say,
you contradict what I do.
You reduce me,
you make me hated.
You destroy every last feeling
thats makes me feel good.
You make it feel like theres nothing to live for.
Well theres something to say to all of this.
I am breaking free.
Some may say I am "Breaking the Habit".
You will no longer control my life.
I will set fire to the sea of hate,
control all the feelings that were there,
make them good.
So from now on
you'll feel my pain.
You will fall into darkness.
You will suffer my shadow.
This is the first I have writtien in a long time all my emotions came out. What do you think? |
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Kay Kay
Mother to be
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| Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:58 am Post subject: |
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Good job Yoshi! I liked it. Really i did. The only things i saw that didnt' seem to fit was using the word reduce and the paragraph before the last two. It just didn't seem to make any sense to me. My favorite part was:
I have come to think
its not the shadow,
Its you.
You control everything I say,
you contradict what I do.
You reduce me,
you make me hated.
You destroy every last feeling
thats makes me feel good.
You make it feel like theres nothing to live for.
Good job! I can't wait to read more of your poems. |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
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| Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 11:51 am Post subject: |
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Nice one Greggerg. A couple of things I'm not sure about, like the use of "it's like..." Seems kind of conversational and doesn't seem to really fit, I think
"Darkness covers all of me. /Whenever I move /I Kill something, I hurt something" sounds better. I really like the rest of that stanza, the thought of being constricted or trapped, unable to move. I think you could develop that idea more.
"You control everything I say,
you contradict what I do.
You reduce me,
you make me hated."
The thing I don't like about this stanza is the repetition of "you". Maybe take out the second and fourth you, or take them all out apart from the first one? Just a little tweak to make it sound less repetitive.
Aside from that, I really recognised your emotions in here, bit of a vent and you made something good out of it. particularly liked the last stanza, well done. |
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PsyLynx
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| Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm sorry, I have to state that I think it wasn't too great....nothing for my imagination to latch onto, man...I WANT IMAGERY AND RHYTHM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
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