~Chapter 2~

The public bus wheezed to a stop two blocks away from Chaplain Day High School, ten minutes late. I hurried off it, sprinting full speed to the blue double-doors. Only stuff like this happens in my life.

I burst through the doors and slowed to a brisk walk towards the main office. There was barely anyone left out, only a couple of other late teens shoving stuff from the green lockers into their bags.

I pushed open the off-white colored doors to the main office and was greeted by the sounds of phones ringing, people chatting and the many clicks of keyboards. I went up to Ms. Rosmara, the main secretary’s desk and signed the late book.

“Late again Ms. Salinger! I see your sister wasn’t. You should make her your role model, dontcha think?” she said in her nasally voice. She had some weird sort of fetish with comparing me with Serena.

I didn’t reply to her, in fear I would strangle her with the stupid phone cord she was twirling around her fat, sausage-like fingers.

“Well, get to class, almost missed first period! Ha Ha!” she exclaimed before cackling like an idiot.

I readjusted my bag and walked out of the room and towards AP English. We had just finished Midsummer’s Night’s Dream and were currently reading Animal Farm… I read both in 7th grade.

I knocked lightly on the door and waited for Ms. Rafoy to let me in. She obviously had a hate for me too because she waited a full 7 minutes before opening the door.

“Oh Ms. Salinger, you decided to join us? I hadn’t noticed you out there.. sit, sit, you’ve disturbed my class enough” she hissed coldly. The class that I supposedly disturbed were all completely zoned out, staring out the window other than the couple of over-achievers actually paying attention to the ice queen that was my English teacher. Gasp.

“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, George Orwell’s Animal Farm showed themes of irony. Who can name me some examples of this?” she asked, ignoring the raised hands of the over-achievers and choosing her victim.



“Ah, Ms. Salinger. You should have done the reading, name an example”

“One example of irony was when the pigs decided that ‘All animals are created equal but some animals are more equal than others’ ” I replied to the sneering Ms. Rafoy.

“Another example anyone…Emily?”

That was the point where I too, like the rest of my inmate-err classmates zoned out. Twenty-five minutes later we were dismissed and went to second period study hall.

I walked through room 34’s doors and walked to the far corner, to my favorite desk.

After setting my bag down, I took out the book I was reading, Emma and flipped to where I left off. I didn’t have even five minutes of peace before loud girlish giggling and the obnoxious clicks of high heels filled the room.

Serena, Emma, Jessica, Marilyn and Amy. The school’s “populars”. If you didn’t dress in Juicy, own a Benz and look flawless, then you better get the hell out of the way of these girls. In the average high school cliché, they ruled the school with the magic power of money, Burberry and flat irons.

“My God, she is such a loser. Honestly Serena, you got like all the good genes. She has like no friends and no life. She‘s even uglier. Your hair is shinier, your eyes are brighter and your face is so much clearer. She should just like run away ”

They were talking about me, I knew it. Even though I placed these girls below roaches on my favorite things list, I was still a little stung when they said that.

“Oh My God! She is like a dog. Really. Her green eyes are so ugly compared to your blue ones, Serena. Anyway she’s a nerd and a geek and a loser.”

They had sat in a table about five feet from where I am. Are they like dumb? Do they not see me right here? What the hell were they doing here anyway? They don’t have Study Hall second period…



Serena smile was wide a placed her blood-red manicured hand on the plastic wood-colored table and leaned into the girls.

“You guys don’t know this about Annette but… she’s anorexic and on drugs!” She whispered.

The girls all collectively gasped and I sat with my mouth open in what could plainly be called, shock. She did it on purpose, that b****. She told the teen gossip queens this just so by the end of the day the whole 2391 kids at Chaplan Day would know.

“Oh My God! Annette is anorexic!!” Emily purposely shrieked just so the entire room would hear. The whispers started almost instantly.

“Anorexic? Oh my god!”

“We always knew she was a weirdo”

“What a freak”

I shoved my stuff into my bag and stood, the chair scraping onto the old wood floor. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes and I ran out of the room. As I was slamming the door shut, I sneaked a look at Serena. She had an evil grin planted on her devilish face.




So whatha think. I know right now it sounds very cliche and Gossip Girl like but starting in the next 3-5 chappies that will all change *insert evil maniacal laugh here*

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

I hurried off it, sprinting full speed to the blue double-doors

'I hurried off it' doesn't flow too smoothly, perhaps changing it to 'I hurriedly got off'?

Okay, now you really got me into sympathy for your character, poor Annette. Which is really good, to get your reader to feel for your character. Oh how I still hate Serena! But you are good, I liked your story very much. That's about all I have to say.

Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!

8D I really liked it!! I have to admit, I've heard of stories with the twin wanting to take over the other twin, but you're describing it and telling the story MUCH different, which is an awesome thing.

Yes, DEFINITELY pm me when you get the third chapter out. ;D

Definitely better then the first chapter, the plot's rather cliche, but it's not too bad.

I took out the book I was reading, Emma and flipped to where I left off.

Jane Austen <3 Now I beleive since it's a book title that Emma should be in quotes.

I took out the book I was reading, "Emma" and flipped to where I left off.

Now Annette's character, (I love that name by the way) is very unrealistic, no friends, hated by everyone, etc. It just seems over the top to me, there needs to at least be a reason no one likes her.

But this seems interesting enough, I would like to read the next chapter and see how it goes .

Hey, I agree with Bondgirl. But, you did say you were gonna un-cliche things, so maybe... I dunno. Either way, You might want to at least touch up on your grammar. All of your mistakes are easily catchable. Also,when Annette is speaking, she sometimes say things out of character, such as "like". You might wanna fix that. I dunno, this is a good start. Work on it!

--Dreamy

I burst through the doors and slowed to a brisk walk towards the main office. There was barely anyone left out, only a couple of other late teens shoving stuff from the green lockers into their bags.

In this part, the character seemed to have no rest. She sprinted from the doors and walk briskly to the office which would suggest that that activity has not tire her. Try to stop here for a moment and let the character give in some deep breathing. Or let her walk while trying to catch her breath. The word, “brisk” after burst seems not to work.

I pushed open the off-white colored doors to the main office and was greeted by the sounds of phones ringing, people chatting and the many clicks of keyboards. I went up to Ms. Rosmara, the main secretary’s desk and signed the late book.

Note: instead of many, try just using “clicks”

“Late again Ms. Salinger! I see your sister wasn’t. You should make her your role model, dontcha think?” she said in her nasally voice. She had some weird sort of fetish with comparing me with Serena.

Okay, in this part, you are describing how this woman has an obsession with the twins. Foremost, she seem to like the other twin than this twin. Okay, what to do here is to suggest that she likes the other twin and seem to resent this one. Firstly, you suggested the nasally part which is fine but it lacks more. Try the depiction of the eyes or her posture. As well you can add some dialogue stating what the other twin said about her and how she admires that reply.

“Well, get to class, almost missed first period! Ha Ha!” she exclaimed before cackling like an idiot.

The laugh seems a bit unprofessional or less mature for a woman her age with a job as a role model. Unless that is what you want her to be like that.

“Oh Ms. Salinger, you decided to join us? I hadn’t noticed you out there.. sit, sit, you’ve disturbed my class enough” she hissed coldly. The class that I supposedly disturbed were all completely zoned out, staring out the window other than the couple of over-achievers actually paying attention to the ice queen that was my English teacher. Gasp.

The gasp here can be replaced with a sigh because gasp signify surprise and this twin is no longer surprise of her teacher’s attitude toward her.

“Ah, Ms. Salinger. You should have done the reading, name an example”

Okay after this line, it would be better if you depict the character’s reaction to this like a gasp or raising of the head.

Serena, Emma, Jessica, Marilyn and Amy. The school’s “populars”. If you didn’t dress in Juicy, own a Benz and look flawless, then you better get the hell out of the way of these girls. In the average high school cliché, they ruled the school with the magic power of money, Burberry and flat irons.

Okay, in this part, you have named a few girls. Now try to give some detail (not all of them or all the details at once) to distinguish one from another. And do this with relation to the event. For example, “Above the book, Jessica’s blonde hair move slowly to the sides”

They were talking about me, I knew it. Even though I placed these girls below roaches on my favorite things list, I was still a little stung when they said that.

Okay, this one…show it. What did she do or express when she felt that she was “stung” by her words.

“Oh My God! Annette is anorexic!!” Emily purposely shrieked just so the entire room would hear. The whispers started almost instantly.

“Anorexic? Oh my god!”

“We always knew she was a weirdo”

“What a freak”

Okay, the dialogue here you had wrote can be confusing. Confusing in the sense to who is saying. Could it be the gossip queens adding to the whispers or by the students? Try to add the dialogue with some detail to who might have said that.

I shoved my stuff into my bag and stood, the chair scraping onto the old wood floor. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes and I ran out of the room. As I was slamming the door shut, I sneaked a look at Serena. She had an evil grin planted on her devilish face.

Okay, this part is much more detail and we can dive deeper to the character of the story. However, you still introduced the characters by means of telling us what they are…try to have a habit of revealing the characters through the use of body expressions and body languages. Other than that, it’s O.K.

As long as you make sure this isn't even more cliche... then I suppose it's all right. There's not much development in the plot in this chapter, except that Serena is a TOTAL b*** and that everyone and anyone hates your main character. Watch out for that - you might end up creating a Marry Sue. Careful. Not everyone that hates your MC is evil, keep that in mind. Basically, I'm sorry, but I really didn't like this chapter. It's way too chliche-ish, filled with too much self pitty [sort of like 'oh-poor-me-I-have-an-evil-sister-and-everyone-hates-me-even-though-I'm-not-really-bad-I'm-just-looking-for-attention (wow that was hard to write - again, please don't be offended it just really popped out to me while reading. I mean really. It's so... normal. I liked the edge the story had before.) and the usual plot line of such is very well known.] Please. You're very talented from what I've read. Please don't repeat the same story we all have read about a million times. What I liked about this was that the main charachter was not a Marry Sue - hardly perfect - and that it was interesting. But now this cliche is taking over, kind of. I think you should try to fix it.
This chapter was well written, I didn't hate it at all, I just didn't like it either. It could use a lot of work.
Keep writing - I'm sure you'll get it right in the end.
Ofir