Young Writers Society

Note: Oh, goodness. I can't believe how rusty I am -.-" Especially with short stories. I think it's somewhat better than the poetry trash I made yesterday, though

I watch her from the shadows. As a guardian? Or a fan? I know she sees me, she always could. She just never asked me to leave like the others.
Maybe she understands what it’s like to gaze at her while she dreams with eyes half-open and happiness written on her face as a gentle smile. I can’t help but sigh whenever her eyes flutter as she wakes, both in displeasure and awe.
When she dreams, she’s beautiful. An entirely different person than the role she plays in the surface world. She’s not the girl clinking champagne glasses, hiding classics in the bottom of her book bag, doing whatever it takes for acceptance.
If I was in her place, I might be pressured to do the same. She probably thinks losing herself is better than being lonesome. Still, she keeps bits of herself tucked in her dreams.
Today, she dreams about a world covered in glitter. Bright pink shades and blue hues paint the roads and blanket the hills. In the center, she laughs, throwing handfuls of the shiny flecks in the air.
Suddenly, a look of determination inches on her brow. She begins to shovel through the pile of glitter that climbs to her thighs. She uncovers a hand, and then lips. Carefully, she presses her lips against the one hidden by the glitter. She takes his hand and starts kissing him.
I feel my stomach tie into a series of knots, tugging on my insides. I tell myself I don’t want to watch, but I can’t look away.
I’ve never seen this expression she wears; a combination of exhilaration and unquenchable longing. Could this be love?
And for the first time, I feel my body harden into a rock, feel anger and hurt bursting from my chest. I feel my heart tear.

It doesn’t matter, though. I am only an admirer to her.

Minutes later, they stop, but she doesn’t let go of his hand. With the other, she wipes the glitter masking his face. My heart stops.

Today, she dreams about me.

It reminded me kind of Twilight, at first. I was almost about to suggest that you post in under fanfiction. But the end caught me off guard - I loved it. You expressed the feelings here very well, described the girl's life in an intruiging way, too. I liked this, despite the Twilight feature. Glitters and pink... I can't help but wonder, where did you get this idea? The last line had a good impact. The description of jealousy was rather telly here. I doubt that this is how real burning jealousy feels, is all. You might want to work on making it a bit more realistic, but then, it can just stay like this. I liked the fact you didn't tell us [the readers] what the MC is. He's a sort of creature who is kind of stalking her, and he can see her dreams. It's cool that you let us guess. Keep writing! Ofir

Thanks for the comment, Ofir ^^

-Shina

Shina! Hey hey, tis WD as promised. This was a lovely short story; I love glitter. So when she started tossing glitter around, I was wearing this big, silly grin on my face. Good job!

I thought this was lovely; the idea was very well done and your use of reveal was especially excellent. I like how we got so little foreshadowing to the end and it makes the last line especially powerful. Very well done. The issue I am having is with characters. Now, I'm gathering from this piece that you don't want these characters to be extremely specific, strong characters. I get the feeling you want them to be vague, because that's part of what draws the reader into this, but I think, because this piece relies so heavily on imagery, we need to see more of how your characters react specifically. A few examples:

Maybe she understands what it’s like to gaze at her while she dreams with eyes half-open and happiness written on her face as a gentle smile. I can’t help but sigh whenever her eyes flutter as she wakes, both in displeasure and awe.

The narrator feels displeasure and awe (at least that's what it sounds like from this section), but we have no idea what that feels like to him, so it's empty! Using more visceral feelings the reader can relate to would work better here.

Suddenly, a look of determination inches on her brow. She begins to shovel through the pile of glitter that climbs to her thighs.

a look of determination? This entire piece is rooted in image, so I think we need a clearer picture here. Does her forehead crease? Does she set her jaw in determination? What does her look of determination look like?

And for the first time, I feel my body harden into a rock, feel anger and hurt bursting from my chest. I feel my heart tear.

This is an example of where you do this very well. I want to see more of this!

So, those are just a few examples of what I saw in here. When you're revising this, make sure you make every image count. It's short enough and it relies so heavily on image, that we need some extremely vivid images and some real feeling from your characters to draw us in.

All in all, a very nice piece! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Sorry for the delay, Shina, dear. I've been a bit overwhelmed as of late.

I know she sees me, she always could.

Semi-colon, not comma, because both phrases on each side of the punctuation are complete sentences.

She just never asked me to leave like the others.

Does this mean that she asks other adorers to leave? Or, does it mean that the boy as had previous idols, all of whom asked him to leave. Those last three words might need a bit of clarification.

Warning: this is going to be a terrible critique.

I'm not sure exactly what to make of the piece. I like it. It's written very well; the ending especially was great. Although you could work on showing the boy's rections a bit more instead of telling, you description is nice and the pace is smooth. It's good, Shina. But it's almost not enough.

It's always been hard for me to reconcile myself with flash fiction, honestly, so in part my opinions on this have nothing to do with your story, but its format. I completely understand why you'd keep this so short and vague-- too much more explanation and the effect would be ruined. And so I can't tell you to explore it any deeper, or expand on the plot or whatever. But I'm like, ARGH. Because I'm just the kind of reader who likes more substance in a piece. (Don't go digging around my portfolio for evidence of this, either-- I'm a complete hypocrite. >_>)

My only suggestion is to show us something more about how this boy can see her dreams. Not really the magic of it, or how it works exactly, but whee it puts him. Is he transported into her dream, where he can walk over to them and touch them? Or is it more of a spectator thing? Either way, I know that too much explanation would ruin this, so see if you could work some of this information in subtly. If he can't interact with the dream, something like, "She looks so perfectly happy in the glitter, that I want to run over and play in it with her, toss it into the air. But the dream is too far away." Or something.

All in all, don't be discouraged by my flash-fiction sensitivity! This was good. Keep writing!

~Evi