Topic ID: 4273
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Feb 2005
Posts: 1453
Reviews: 323
Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: I'll Find Yesterday |
 |
|
Enjoy today
Persue tomorrow
Cherish yesterday
Grinning everyday behind your back, watching your soft ears turn bright pink,
someone once compared you to a lump of red clay.
Was it me?
I don't remember.
Listen to the cringe of pebbles as we walk down the concrete, Ben,
watch the rain splatter on our rose-rimmed hats,
Where were we going anyway?
Does it really matter now?
You can remember what Han Solo said in Episode 5 but what I told you last week
you can't seem to recapture
skip, Ben, skip to the beat of a broken drum
use those legs for something useful.
I can't understand.
I can't compute!
I can't stand here and wait for life to unwind,
Ben.
sometime I wish you could just say what you wanted to say
I wish I could do what my fantasies portrayed
sometime
I'll find yesterday.
And do what we missed.
Do what we couldn't say.
Sometime, Ben, I'll finally say I love you.
Leave the past behind you
Ah...someday I will.
-I changed the name to something made up just for privacy reasons- |
_________________
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***
Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el
Got YWS?
Last edited by hekategirl on Sun Mar 02, 2008 8:56 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Mar 2005
Posts: 625
Reviews: 332
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
Well... I think it's spelled yesterday...
sometime I wish you could just say what you wanted to say
I wish I could do what my fantasies potraid
There is no sometime, but there is a sometimes. In the second line, I think you are saying 'portrayed,' but I'm not sure. A typo?
I liked the coy parts of this; they were very cleverly written. However, that's all that seems to be in it. It's mixed in with emotions, but it's mainly what I see. I guess being clever isn't bad, but I think you could go beyond that. Use the clever phrases by connecting them with deeper meaning. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Jennafina
it's not you, it's Utah
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 2204
Reviews: 617
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like how it has a dreamy quality, like a faded memory.. This is my favorite part.
Was it me?
I don't remember.
I like this too. Probably because they have the same theme.
Where were we going anyway?
Does it really matter now? |
_________________
"As idle as a painted ship, upon a painted ocean. There's no wind, Mr. Bracegirdle. We are becalmed."
Storybook Writers' Guild
Nate for '08! |
|
| Back to top |
|
bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1748
Reviews: 574
Country: New Zealand
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:21 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow hekategirl I have to say you've REALLY HUMUNGOUSLY improved since I was last year. Oh, wait. That doesnt really sound like a compliment, does it? But it is! You're so much better than you were just a few months ago. Wicked! I'm seriously impressed. I love this poem. It could use a bit of polish, yes, and there are several spelling mistakes [stares you down pointedly] BUT overall its very good. I like the way its kinda wistful. True, its not deep exactly. But in some parts it shows great insight and I think you ought to be congratulated. Cheers!  |
_________________
"Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Writersdomain
Oh, YAY!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Reviews: 441
Country: Oceanstone
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 3:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really enjoyed this. Besides the spelling mistakes, it flowed very well and you made the words come alive. Very nice. Please keep writing |
_________________
~ WD
"For I shall make thy screams a song
And thy sorrows a fortress
Thy tears a shield of glass."
~MatteSPEW can see you! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
it's you! it's me! it's dancing!
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4844
Reviews: 1244
Country: I can see Russia from my house!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 3:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
'skip, Sean, skip to the beat of a broken drum
use those legs for something useful.'
Oh gosh...that's very awesome...
'Leave the past behind you
Ah...someday I will.'
AND SHE STICKS THE LANDING!!! Very well done.
I seriously think this is the best poem you've ever written, my dear friend. It's dreamy and smooth but it makes an impact, it's abstract but painfully close-to-home. *golf clap* |
_________________
Humans are amphibians--half spirit, and half animal.
- C.S. Lewis |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eleanor Rigby
Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 24 Aug 2005
Posts: 97
Reviews: 33
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 2:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is awesome, I really enjoyed it! Personally, I'm a huge fan of any poetry that is free verse, and you've created an awesome style for yourself that flows so well. There's something so amazingly real about this poem, and there are many clever little insightful parts that make it so human. A lot of poems lack anything that connects with the real world but you seem to have a knack for creating this remarkable connection. I absolutely loved it. Please keep writing! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Buddadancer
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Dec 2007
Posts: 26
Reviews: 23
Country: A palace filled with my imagination....and only mine
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's good but i don't understand, potraid?
Your writing is very...hard to but into words..
I like it though! |
_________________
Look into my eyes
Look deaper into my eyes
Do you see anything?
I see a empty person with a mind to
fill. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ygaron
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 37
Reviews: 29
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it, but there seemed to be no real structure. I seemed kind of... all over the place. Perhaps you should try to focus on one point. |
_________________
"A person who won't read has no advantage over a person who can't read"
-----Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
