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hekategirl
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 Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 12:46 am Post subject: Cat-Scratched Eyes |
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I am writing this for a poetry contest so I really need good/harsh critque on it, thank you!!
I am an ever changing metaphor
living in a web of lies
just outside the rim of realty
I am the person that lurks in the shadows of the alley
north of sanity,
and south of judgment
I am that person that you see
but you're not sure if I'm really there
for I am misty in a way
I am someone that drinks the drops of rain
falling from the cornsilk colored sky
just because I can
I am the person that lays in the grove of forgotten flowers
while the birds of neverending
sing their sorrow song
I am a person that walks along the beach at night
just to see the blackening waves
I talk a different way then how people think I should
I walk a different way then what is considered normal
For I am the girl with the cat scratched eyes.
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Thanks for all the input, I decided cat-scratched was best =D |
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Last edited by hekategirl on Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:00 am; edited 5 times in total |
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antigone
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| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 1:49 am Post subject: |
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Cool. I'm not sure if I like how every stanza starts with 'I', but maybe that's the point. You have some really beautiful imagery.
A few typos:
"sainity" should be sanity.
"your" should be you're.
"blackning" should be blackening.
"diffrent" should be different.
"considerd" should be considered.
I'd say use snake skin instead of cat scratched because neither of them make much sense and snake skin sounds better, in my opinion.
Other than that, I wouldn't change much cause it's really good. Good luck with the poetry contest! |
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Sgt.Pepper
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| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 2:02 am Post subject: |
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cat scratched (snake skin) eyes
^^ looks good like that...
Good luck with the contest :thumb: |
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Liz
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| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:10 am Post subject: Re: NEEDS TITLE!! please critque! |
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Overall, it's good, but it does need a little fixing up.
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I am an ever changing metaphor
living in a web of lies
just outside the rim of realty |
Make that "ever-changing". I think that stanza is a little cliched, especially the "living in a web of lies". Maybe change that line to something more original.
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I am the person that lurks in the shadows of the alley
north of sanity,
and south of judgment |
Do you reckon "of an alley" sounds better? Apart from that, I like this stanza.
| Quote: |
I am that person that you see
but you're not sure if I'm really there
for I am misty in a way |
Change this. It seems too unoriginal compared to the rest of the poem.
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I am someone that drinks the drops of rain
falling from the cornsilk colored sky
just because I can |
Should be "someone who". Put a comma after the first two lines. I like the second line, but I think you need something more powerful for the last line. For the first one...try a more simple "rain" instead of "drops of rain". It means the same thing and it's a lot less cluttered.
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I am the person that lays in the grove of forgotten flowers
while the birds of neverending
sing their sorrow song |
That's a nice stanza. Again though, it should be "someone who". Does "the birds of neverending" make sense though? It seems nicely abstract, but have another think.
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I am a person that walks along the beach at night
just to see the blackening waves |
"Person who". That's nice and simple.
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I talk a different way then how people think I should
I walk a different way then what is considered normal |
Definitely change that. It's too angsty and cliched. Take it out all together or substitute it.
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| For I am the girl with the cat scratched (Snake skin) eyes. |
If you want "cat scratched" there needs to be a hyphen in there. Comparing this line to teh rest of the poem, I'd say "cat-scratched" is more suitable. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:26 pm Post subject: |
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| i like this alot, its really unique and has beautiful imagery. it gets a little repetitive though, cuz every sentence starts with "I." but its really good. i would definitely go with snake skin eyes. as for the title, i dunno, maybe "the girl with snakeskin eyes"? i dunno. i suck at titles. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:26 am Post subject: |
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| Just to be honest...it was a bit boring because I felt so bloody disconnected. However, I will try to see pass that. I agree with River Girl, the imagery is very beautiful. God, I can't believe you're 11 years old. |
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Ieatworms
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| Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:52 am Post subject: |
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| About the "cat-scrathed" v "snake skin" debate; WHY WRITE SOMETHING IF IT DOESN"T MAKE SENSE TO YOU? NEVER WRITE SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU THINK IT SOUNDS COOL. Poetry communicates. It shouldn't distract with cool catch phrases. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 1:37 am Post subject: |
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| Ieatworms wrote: |
| About the "cat-scrathed" v "snake skin" debate; WHY WRITE SOMETHING IF IT DOESN"T MAKE SENSE TO YOU? NEVER WRITE SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU THINK IT SOUNDS COOL. Poetry communicates. It shouldn't distract with cool catch phrases. |
I finally reilized that, so I decided on 'Cat-Scratched Eyes' for the title and oviously 'Cat Scratched' at the end insted of 'Snake Skin' Thanks for all your critques! Cat-Scratched Eyes is now an award winning poem! yay! thanks for all your help, again! |
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Sam
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| Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:16 am Post subject: |
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YAY!
Sorry I didn't find this earlier...*smacks forehead*. Very spiffy, I might say. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:22 am Post subject: |
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*grins*
Congratulations! |
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