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Persephone of the underwo
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 Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:07 am Post subject: The Happiest Days of my Life |
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The Happiest Days of my Life
Feet sticking out round every corner
Shrewd comments from behind every door
Name calling on the way to English
As they walk behind, need I say more?
These are the happiest days of my life
These days that are filled with strife
These days that are to me like hell
But they're my happiest I'm meant to tell
These are the happiest days of my life
Stealing my locker keys so I can't close it
Spreading rumours about me to everyone
Shouting abuse as I walk to school
Before the day's even begun
These are the happiest days of my life
These days that are filled with strife
These days that are to me like hell
But they're my happiest I'm meant to tell
These are the happiest days of my life
Crying when I get home every evening
Losing sleep every night in bed
Hating this life that I'm living
Because of the things they have said
These are the happiest days of my life
These days that are filled with strife
These days that are to me like hell
But they're my happiest I'm meant to tell
These are the happiest days of my life |
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Last edited by Persephone of the underwo on Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:28 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:18 am Post subject: |
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Oh my god...the pink...it burns....
Second, Fourth and Sixth stanzas are excessively redundant in a bad way. Rhyming is a very old-school technique, which is why I don't promote it (though for every new-school you have twenty old-schools, so interpret it as you will).
Since I do not value 'form' over 'idea', my suggestion is you drop the form (the rhyme scheme, the stanza structure) and develop original ideas to project into the readers' mind. This is, I think, the opinion of most YWSers. Once you've developed your ideas, then go back to mechanical devices and structural design.
Did you write this while listening to Ronan Keating's "These Are the Moments"? This is what your poem reminds me of which is bad. Overall, it was quite a literal poem with few redemptive qualities. This is my usual suggestion about such tendencies: focus on concrete imagery. If you have nice images, you will quickly become a preeminent writer on this site and by your peers. Another thing: who cares? Don't fall into the trap of self-pitying devaluation; you are permitted to be negative, not whiny. The tone of the poem, not the words, make it sound whiny. |
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janice
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:25 am Post subject: Comment |
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May I please point out that this sounds like a Good Charlotte song that I am not terribly fond of...?
I agree with the above post, pink... it burns! 
Anyway, I find:
These are the happiest days of my life
These days that are filled with strife
These days that are to me like hell
But they're my happiest I'm meant to tell
These are the happiest days of my life
This is repeated quite a lot, and I know it is intended, but it sounds more like a song, than a poem.
I like the structure because it sounds very upbeat, but obviously you are being ironic wnen talking about being "happy". Well done!
The only things I would change is the font colour (oh it is violet, and not pink, but still!) Also I would change is not to repeat that stanza above so much. It gives a slight impression that it has just been copied and pasted after every stanza.
Hope to read some more of your work.
Janice |
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Persephone of the underwo
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:30 am Post subject: |
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Right Janice, I have changed the colour. I never realised it came out so pink. Thanks for your comments not regarding the pink.
I'm not really a fan of Good Charlotte so I dont really want to sound like them. And I certainly dont want to sound like Ronan Keating. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:32 am Post subject: |
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| Thank God. |
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janice
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:46 am Post subject: |
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| Persephone of the underwo wrote: |
Right Janice, I have changed the colour. I never realised it came out so pink. Thanks for your comments not regarding the pink.
I'm not really a fan of Good Charlotte so I dont really want to sound like them. And I certainly dont want to sound like Ronan Keating. |
Hehe that's great!  |
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Persephone of the underwo
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:27 pm Post subject: |
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Incandescence glad you hated my poem. I have taken some of the overly negative comments to heart and will strive to make my poem better in your eyes. Some time maybe.
Basically it was about my experiences at my old school. Somehow I dont think writing about what happened there is being whiny. Peed of maybe but far from whiny.
Maybe you should try spending 4 years at my old school. I am pretty sure that after it you would find it hard to write anything that isn't negative.
I am sorry we cant all be as happy and cheerful as you.
Oh and by the way this poem cant be that bad. Please check out this link,
http://www.poetryzone.ndirect.co.uk/index2.htm
You will find The Happiest days of my Life on the best Teen Poems of July 2004 to December 2004. This site is run by the poet Roger Stevens. He chooses all the poems on his site. No offence or anything but I think his opinion counts for more than yours. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 4:47 pm Post subject: upon getting sleep. |
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I'm sorry can't share janice's enthusiasm for this. To my ear it sounds like a garden-variety rant dressed up in faux poetic phrasing.
Lines like
"...Shouting abuse as I walk to school
Before the day's even begun
are the stuff of adolescent navel gazing. I think this falls well short of your aim as the descriptions don't point to any significant creative aspect of the subject - "These days that are to me like hell
But they're my happiest I'm meant to tell " - simply isn't strong enough to carry the premise.
There is a tone of inevitability here that squeezes out the confrontation that you might need to accomplish your goal for the piece.
My sense is that you might be better taking the idea to a clean sheet of paper rather than attempting to fix this through editing.
I think you have a budding sense of narrative and voice and these can only grow. But it's your call now. If you're going to defend every line, or excuse poor writing by shouting 'It's published other places, so there!' then this might not be the place for you. If you're willing to listen and put in the effort to develop your talent, then welcome. |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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Persephone of the underwo, I'm sorry you had a hard time at school, but frankly I think this was pretty mediocre writing. For one thing, it was a bit blunt. You would name the things that happened: the kids did horrible things to you, you felt bad, you cried. That's mean of them and all, but for a poem to be a good poem, it should have more than just what happened. You should try using metaphors, imagery, etc.
And don't take thing's so personally. Brad was giving you criticism; he's trying to help you (most likely). You won't always get what you want to hear in other people's feedback. |
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Jennafina
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| Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 9:23 am Post subject: |
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I think its ok, It is a bit repetitive though on the happyest days of my life part, and some of the rhymes seam a bit pushed..
Incandecence, I love your discriptions, even though in this case I dont really agree with some of them. Theyre so.. discriptive!! :p.. Sorry, off topic. |
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