Topic ID: 4098
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3017 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 392 Points
|
Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 1:26 am Post subject: Spectacle |
|
|
If darkness is only
holes in the light, if
science is only the
hyphenated ego,
if cold is only the absence
of heat, if memories are
only mnemic residue,
if our mind is a group
of neurons moving, if...
Why don't we break it on down,
and watch the atoms happily smash in
razzles of chaos, as their walls crumble
and their nuclei fuse, we could
sip tea from our cute powerpuffgirl plastic glasses
until the pitcher is gone, or we could...
Keep asking questions, keep planning to do things this summer
(oh, that's not good for you, what about the fall?) and your plans
will crumble like the atomic walls; the questions will pile up over the years anyway,
so take it slow, so take it easy,
and learn that in the aftermath of wet, crumpled letters,
you can still manage a smile. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4362 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 300 Points
|
Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 5:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I think this may be a new favorite of mine. I really like the way the stanzas interrupt each other and flow into each other at the same time. Very cool effect. I love it. |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
|
| Back to top |
|
Liz
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 493 Reviews: 321 Country: The land down under 300 Points
|
Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 8:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Yeah, I like the trailing-off style. This one's nice. I think the third stanza starts a little awkwardly, but apart from that it's great. |
_________________ purple sneakers |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
axis of evil, BRB Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4908 Reviews: 1251 Country: 'mreeka 311 Points
|
Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 7:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
'Why don't we break it on down,
and watch the atoms happily smash in
razzles of chaos, as their walls crumble
and their nuclei fuse, we could
sip tea from our cute powerpuffgirl plastic glasses
until the pitcher is gone, or we could... '
That's awesome. Reminds me of a Spongebob episode...'We could play hide and seek! Or jellyfish! or watch TV! or play hide and seek while jellyfishing! or...*ballooon pops*'
Yes, that was random, but who cares.
Ooh, you know what you should do? You should capitalize the 'r' in'razzles'...'cause that's kind of what the candies do. That's also random, but it's a start.  |
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
skeptik_225
Junior Writer


Age: 21 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 34 Reviews: 17
300 Points
|
Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 5:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
I love that Spongebob episode (I like the randomness) Beautiful poem, the first stanza especially drew me in nicely. All the If ____ is only ____'s were playful and thought provoking at the same time, I'd be fun if you expanded and experimented with that more. I love atoms and chemistry and the universe. Even though its so much bigger than 'planning to do things this summer' it all connects and I think you did an excellent job of showing that in this poem |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|