Topic ID: 4089
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject: I Wanna Have Sex on the Beach, or, Why I'm Not a Feminist |
 |
|
Every step you walk
you have to position yourself
in just the right light, because you
wouldn't want to look weak.
You can fall into your boss's lap but can't, no,
won't file a lawsuit; it's not healthy to admit
your weaknesses to others -- you can't give in,
your tears are only safe with you.
You see, the Feminist Poet
cannot ever go against the stream.
Once you have declared yourself
you are an elbow, the thing that must bend
only one way or break. |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
Last edited by Incandescence on Sat Aug 06, 2005 12:00 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 10:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ha. So so oddly amazing.
Every step you walk
you have to position yourself
in just the right light, because you
wouldn't want to look weak.
I loved that. The second stanza was weird but I can sort of see where you were going [lil fibs never hurt]
And the last two lines of your third stanza was a really good metaphor.
God damn... why does your poetry always make sense? |
_________________
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php
Ralphie: Ahh! It's half wolf, half refrigerator!
“Eventually shooting stars will burn out.”
Help the Revolution: http://noporntube.freeforums.org/portal.php |
|
| Back to top |
|
Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6290
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 11:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think what lost some of the appeal of this to me was the bitter voice that came through - intentional or not or just sounded like you wanted to have a go at someone. Te second stanza has too many yous and understandably becomes too prosaic and feels wordy and I just felt like some sort of description/imagery/substance (take your pick) is needed to really make your point. Otherwise it feels like a rant.
I mean, structurally and technically it's all sound but I'm just sure about the way you've written it. |
_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 12:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
| It was a go at Toril Moi and Judith Butler. |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6290
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 4:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Some feminists, right? Doesn't help me at all. |
_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
