Topic ID: 3973
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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 Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:05 am Post subject: necklace and tie-less, you make me cry. |
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calvin
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=57999#57999
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For so long I have wanted to kiss away
that hurt look in your face and taste
your salty insides. Why is it that
meter and cadence and rhyme
drive you insane, when you
work with them so beautifully?
Your poems make me
tremble in incompetency,
at the sight of your clasp around patterns
and beauty, you make me sick,
but I wonder how much longer you can live,
if you keep bleeding into your poems.
The opaque mirror in your bathroom
once reflected a gray soul, tarnishing porcelain
and alabaster, your feng shui. I had the opportunity
to flush myself out with a gold-plated handle,
or borrow some sleeping pills, the ones
you've been hiding and saving for years.
Simple images line your eyes and your poems,
like an insomniac looking out his window in a dark hotel room
sometime in August, feeling the keys in his pockets and knowing
there is nowhere to go.
Staying up, until four in the mourning,
vomitting from loneliness? Yeah,
I know how you feel. God, I want
your old sneakers and your blue jeans
on my floor, and I want to eat
one of your poems, I want to taste your blood,
knowing the next day I will have a sinking feeling
in my stomach, but I swear, I would do anything
to keep you from crying. |
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Last edited by Incandescence on Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:56 am; edited 6 times in total |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:13 am Post subject: |
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I loved it all...
But honestly.
Was that take your pants off thing really nessisary. I mean you go from kissing to pants... well, it happens I guess. So forget I said anything about it. For a second I was expecting a poem about me here saying how I should pay more attention to your poems... bwahaha. Yeah, you should write a poem about me...
I really liked:
"For so long I have wanted to kiss away
that hurt look in your face and taste
your salty insides. Why is it that
meter and cadence and rhyme
drive you insane, when you
work with them so beautifully? "
That whole first verse, it brings to thought of all the people i like who I can't have. And all the people who have terrible low self estem... usually they are the exact same people but heh... i dont' know whre i'm getting at
and:
"but I wonder how much longer you can live,
if you keep bleeding into your poems. "
Because I said something similar to this once... I can't remember when but I did. I know it.
Great job on this you whiney little baby. |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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392 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:58 am Post subject: |
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| Of coure it had to be in there. How could it not be in there? His poetry is sexy. |
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"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 7:35 am Post subject: |
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*laughs*
I really, really like this. So deep. |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it, but you did ask me to do something...
The second stanza is what troubles me a little, after the first couple of lines it seems to lose its way...I don't like the number of commas particularly. "You make me sick" seems out of place. The last line made me smile, however.
The third stanza...hmm...seems too wordy for my tastes. Its a bit of a mouthful and I had to read it again a couple of times rather than continuing on to finish the poem. I doubt that's a good thing.
The fourth stanza seems pointless, to be honest. Just stick the "God, I want.." at that start of the fifth stanza, and maybe try and fit the meaning/purpose of the fourth stanza somewhere else into the poem if needs be.
Well I tried. No one ever got shot for trying. |
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Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
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| Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry, Brad. I'm having a hard time concentrating on the poem. I'm too busy being nosy. *Looks around* |
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"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
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