Topic ID: 3948
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3017 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 392 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:06 am Post subject: the tenor of your words still echo in my room |
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Guess who this is for...
[i]
If you leave, I will miss you, but do you think
if I wrote you a note you would find your way home?
[ii]
Don't dream of glittery stagnant water
or teddy bears searching for home;
don't open the door to the outside world
or leave me in my room alone.
[iii]
I never said I wouldn't hurt, only that if you wanted,
you should go, and you deserve to know
I no longer replace the light bulbs,
I no longer desire to see myself in the aftermath of us.
All I know is ice melts slower when it’s cold out.
A hole may house a rabbit, mole, or bear. An eyelash
is an eyelash, is a hair. And the light is just the dark
in different order.
[iv]
The walls have grown tired of my loneliness,
they have grown so pale without your life,
your sonical symphony of lyrical incarnations,
and in the dim glow of a halogen lamp
I can almost see my breath.
[v]
In your absence, I do not leave others speechless;
nor do I enjoy the night, though it's all I can manage
to remain conscious for, and in your absence,
the universe has grayed to granite and unscratched notebooks
are painful to touch. You are a bygone lover
I've put on display.
[vi]
Well, I wrote you a note, I wrote you something
you could remember me by in twenty years when life
has carried you on its shoulders to the top of mountains
and unknown peaks, when the voice of reason
goes mute and you have nothing to rely on,
I wanted you to have this.
[vii]
When you got in your car and drove away
the crumpled note with words meshed together
seared my hand and the moon was the only spectator,
and I drank my own damned honeyed wine, fuck the gods,
because now I have a scab and scabs are for people
who have something to hide. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6290 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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I've been looking at this poem for about an hour wondering what I can actually comment on. The way you use words is almost mesmeric and I have absolutely no idea how you do it. I guess the only thing people usually pick out in your poems is structure, but I love how this is put together, so that's screwed.
So I guess there is only something pointless left to say like Keep Writing! which I doubt I need to say unless you suddenly have an urge to put down that golden pen of yours. |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4362 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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*points* What he said...
Brad, you're absolutely amazing. Mesmerizing is a good word for this poem. I loved every word. |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
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PsyLynx
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 285 Reviews: 205
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, definitely everything that everyone said...chillingly real...
and the only thing that I can find that you may want to change is the name; since 'tenor' is singular, it should be 'echoes', not echo. But that's assuming that you're hugging conventional grammar, which is an assumption I can't necessarily make. |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 3023 Reviews: 1160 Country: If I told you I would have to kill you 300 Points
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