Topic ID: 3889
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6290
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 5:51 pm Post subject: i know a girl |
 |
|
i know a girl who likes to write pretentious things like
'long live denim' on misty windows with cherry lipstick,
like a horror movie with less screaming
but even more hollywood fakes.
she's the sort of person who has a handbag
full of boys she's met twice, full of everything
that makes her lose sleep at night.
she's the sort of girl who looks at you briefly,
before searching the room for a better customer
and less complications.
i know a girl who likes to feign romance
for the sake of image, because she likes to humanise
the monster that she hides beneath hooped polo shirts
and white i-pod headphones.
she's the sort of person you'd meet in cafe rouge,
drinking alcopops and posing in a leather armchair
only satisfied when everyone is falling at her feet.
she's the sort of girl i used to ridicule,
laugh at the sheep that dogged her footsteps,
she's the sort of girl i used to hate
but now she lives at the forefront of my mind. |
_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4824
Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hmm... very interesting. The whole "i know a girl" seems to be kind of cliched, but you still did a good job with it (no duh). I love how you always turn your poems upside down and made the reader look at them differently. The last stanza was great, and I loved the lipstick thing with the pretentious messages. Awesomeness. |
_________________
Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
|
| Back to top |
|
Crysi
Cold and Fragile
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 16 Nov 2004
Posts: 4362
Reviews: 572
Country: California Crew, yo.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow Jack... You're amazing with images! I totally agree with everything 'Reida said. Great job!  |
_________________
[Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
|
| Back to top |
|
Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 2860
Reviews: 345
Country: Essayville.
337 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
like a horror movie with less screaming
but even more hollywood fakes.
hehe, YES! Very good, me thinks.
she's the sort of girl who looks at you briefly,
before searching the room for a better customer
and less complications.
first two lines are fine, but the last one.. I can't decide if it works or not.. reading it one way it sounds good, another way it just sounds a bit awkward.. maybe its the line break where it is, and if read with the line break its a little off, but without it works fine (hehe, long explination)
i know a girl who likes to feign romance
for the sake of image, because she likes to humanise
"for the sake of image" sounds clunky.. and the rest of the stanza feels just a bit wordy to me.
she's the sort of girl i used to ridicule,
laugh at the sheep that dogged her footsteps,
she's the sort of girl i used to hate
but now she lives at the forefront of my mind.
hmm.. last line. Idea works, but not the presentation as much for me. Just playing with ideas here (aka thinking aloud again), but if you just omit the last line, or any variation, I rather like the effect, but it also the rhythem then feels off.. without the "she" it sound good.. but this is all speculation on my part.
Overall, pretty good, not my favourite of yours, but that's all perspective (er, maybe it is now that I've ripped into it). I do agree with Ari the "I know a girl" seems cliche, but I think you pulled it off quite nicely. Some very vivid images, such as "cherry lipstick" "hollywood fakes" "handbag full of boys" and the fifth stanza. |
_________________
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chanson
the milky bars are on me
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 304
Reviews: 82
Country: dublin, ireland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
for me this was too simple, too easily written. the thoughts seemed cliché, i felt like i'd read all this before. the last verse, for me, was too....i think i'll steal mesh's word here and say "clunky". it didn't flow well, and i felt you over-explained the poem. there was a kind of bitterness in the poem too which i felt took away from it rather then added. i thought the image of "cherry lipstick" has been done a thousand times, i feel like every girl in every poem has a cherry something (and i'm probably guilty of that as well).
i did like the idea of it and i can really see what you're going for. some of the images were good (the second to last verse was really great and you know, about 2 weeks ago i was sitting in a leather armchair in a classy bar drinking an alcopop waiting for all the italians to look at me....so for a second i was like "HAS JACK BEEN WATCHING ME?"! oh and also liked the second verse muchly as well) but overall this poem just didn't flow for me.
anyhoops, i'd say i've rambled on enough. not my favourite of yours but not the worst thing i've seen in my life either  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Liz
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 493
Reviews: 321
Country: The land down under
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 11:30 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, beautiful. I love how I can read your poems and understand everything and yet find this layer of mystery. Your stuff is very easy to read, and addictive. Gorgeous imagery. Well done. |
_________________
purple sneakers |
|
| Back to top |
|
graveyard_dream
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 24 Jul 2005
Posts: 8
Reviews: 7
Country: england
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
great poem, very descriptive and good imagery. I quite like the use of 'cherry lipstick' in the first stanza, as cherry sounds innocent and sweet, but it is also a shade of red, which can also represent danger.
The last line is a good twist, although, i would give subtle hints throughout the poem, to make it more powerful, and also to give some sort of reason for your final comment, or else it's too random. |
_________________
available |
|
| Back to top |
|
Persephone of the underwo
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 26 Jul 2005
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: In front of a computer somewhere down in Hades
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
| "I know a girl" is a really vivid poem. The descriptions are brilliant, you can really imagine this girl. Th best thing about the poem is that the character is so believable. Even though there are a lot of people like this girl the poem still describes her as being a person on her on, not just one of the clones or sheep that I know. You approach this topic and make people see it in a new light. I actually love this poem. |
_________________
Come to the Underworld, we have pomegranets. |
|
| Back to top |
|
LiNdSeYo7
Senior Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 122
Reviews: 56
Country: Toledo, Ohio
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 2:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
In general, I liked this.
| Quote: |
i know a girl who likes to write pretentious things like
'long live denim' on misty windows with cherry lipstick,
like a horror movie with less screaming
but even more hollywood fakes.
she's the sort of person who has a handbag
full of boys she's met twice, full of everything
that makes her lose sleep at night. |
I love those lines.. The entire beginning of this poem makes it good. Those are great descriptions.
After that, however, I feel as if the descriptions and way things are worded don't quite match up to the beginning. They're 'good' - but the beginning was 'great'. |
_________________
<3 Lindsey |
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 5:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Jack--
It's too long. You lost momentum after the third stanza and concluded by succumbing to repetitive images and meaningless phraseology. That is not to say, however, that there are not redemptive qualities in the last few lines, nay, the last stanza, in particular. I'd like to see the last stanza woven into the poem.
What you've done, here, is what beginning poets do with emotions: description. You gave us a description of a girl, albeit vividly and with bravado, still, it is only a description. You need an idea in the background that plays off of the images in order for us to leave it thinking 'Wow', which is where the last stanza comes in. While the last stanza is trite, love can not be written on enough, and you've carefully worded it to make a monologue between the reader and yourself. Focus on making the images of the girl reverberate off of the last stanza. The third stanza, for instance, beautifully and artistically captures the last stanza without explicitly saying, 'This is the point, look at me!'.
The repetition of, 'a girl' can be tastefully done, which it is, the first three times, but otherwise it becomes clunky and makes me want to stop reading. It, ultimately, becomes filler. The fourth and fifth stanzas are bathetic. Your words are ordinary: they convey nothing but adolescent navel gazing.
This could be much better if you reworked and revised it.
Regards,
brad |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
