Hi

First off, decent story. I've read plenty of stories that don't use grammar or correct punctuation, so kudos to you. I hope what I've written below will help you.

Second, there's no need to format your story. It's fine the way it is when you cut and paste into the reply post box. Indenting everything will become incredibly painful for you if you found a need to type in an extra few words - you'd have to format everything again, just because those few words would make everything unaligned.

Third, I'm disappointed by the lack of critiques this has received.

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I knew how my life started. **(I'm really not sure about this whole part about being born. It doesn't seem necessary and it doesn't fit with the rest of the story. Also, I noticed your personal quote sounds exactly like the following text. Abstract, moving pictures etc. Paraphrasing is fine, but this whole being born bit could have just been replaced with the entire quote. And that would have sufficed. However, if you wish to keep the being born bit, I've added my thoughts that I hope could make it a bit better.)**

It began with a moment of joy, a feeling of no restraints and disturbances. Though there were struggles, there was still joy. Like a baby being supported by her mother after she fell to the ground trying to walk, I felt joy **(You are describing yourself being born. Maybe a different analogy would make sense. For instance, you wouldn't say, "She's was as red as a cherry" if she in fact, was a cherry. Do you understand? Analogies are used to describe and liken one thing to another. If you're directly talking about something that is exactly the same as what you are trying to describe, then the analogy isn't as effective)**. It was an art itself, a number of pictures that moved and cannot be described.

Abstract- I called it **("I called it Abstract." Sounds better)**. However, as I grew up, the joy started to dwindle. Slowly and painfully, it was torture in itself. I knew how my life would end. It would not be like a sword through the neck but a sword through the side, slow and painful. **(The problem I have with this is that how would she know how she'd die? Why would the joy dwindle? What was torture in itself? Surely not the joy - joy isn't described as torture.)**

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It started on the upper floor of the okiya where displays of kimonos decorated the room. The floor was golden and sliding doors stood at each side of the living room, one to the veranda and one that lead downstairs. **(This was fine. Simple and elegant description.)**

I sat down before a small table opposite my guardian wearing an elaborate blue and grey kimono that flowed freely from my shoulders **(Be careful. Who's wearing the kimono? You, or the guardian? Also, instead of repeating "my guardian" below, you could simply introduce her name straight away)**. My hair was decorated **(how?)** and white makeup covered my face. I was like the snow at winter on the gardens of Kimi-ku. **(I have problems reading about Japanese-type stories. For one, you might really like the ancient Japanese culture, but if you haven't researched enough, your writing will always fall flat compared to people who actually have an insight. Write what you know.)**

Okaa-san, my guardian, sat opposite me with her feet crouched underneath her legs **(??? Her feet crouched underneath her legs? I can't even imagine this feat)**. She began teaching me the correct manners on how a woman must drink her tea **(There was no greeting? People like a hefty amount of dialogue to break up the block text)**. For us, geishas were the ideals of beauty in this region. Even with the new government, our reputations still holds **("held")** firm creating a sense of envy to other women I met during our daily walk around Gion **(Now, to people who don't know what a geisha is, that past sentence wouldn't make sense. What is a geisha? What is their role? Are they whores? Are they princesses? Why are you a geisha?)**.

Okaa-san told me that when drinking a porcelain tea cup, a woman must raise her arms slightly high so that the man would see my underarm. She held the tea cup firmly before me after but had not raised it high for she told me that this is a mockery to other geishas **(I don't get it)**. She asked me to do the same.

I gave a firm bow before I raised the tea cup placing one hand gently at the bottom while my index finger held the handle. Slowly I began drinking it but at the middle of my procedure, the cup broke so suddenly **(A little farfetched?)**. Its pieces scattered on the floor. I gave a number of bows for an apology even scratching my skin against the pieces of glass. Okaa-san commanded me to sit up and gave a sharp gaze at the pieces. I was about to bow again but she ordered not to.

“It was not your fault. It was just bad luck.” She told me but I felt that it was my fault. The blood that flowed from the tip of my finger approved of that. I never really understood what she had said but it was at that exact moment that my life would change. It was at that moment that I learned about the Tournament. **(Here you say you learn about the "Tournament" but you don't provide anything about it. What's the Tournament? Why was it at that moment that you learnt about it? I'm so confused.)**

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Rain poured over me as I walked hurriedly through the dense streets of Gion a few weeks after the incident **(Why have we fast-tracked ahead two weeks? What happened with the "Tournament"? The jump from the tea lesson to a walk in the rain two weeks later is too weird. It doesn't work.)**. Several people walked silently through the rain. Their large straw hats covered their faces.

They had not spoken to each other. They simply walked alone. Their shadows that *((the word "that" doesn't belong here)** appeared on the walls like distorted beasts on moonlights. I stared at them anxiously with my eyebrows raised in suspicion **(Why? They are just people walking with hats in the rain. Why would you be suspicious?)**.

“Excuse me, Mister, you’re hat…” I called out his name after I had bumped his straw hat into the streets **(This would have made more sense as, "With rain running rivulets down my face, I let out a slight gasp as a man adorned in a straw hat loomed out of the shadows at me. In my fright I lashed out, and his hat tumbled from his head. I babbled an apology, and bent to retrieve his hat. He continued walking as if he had not heard me. His small bent back was still visible from the crowds that encircle him.")** I tried chased him but it was pointless. He disappeared into the vast crowd that surrounded me. I gave a sigh before I continued walking to the okiya **(what is an okiya, by the way?)**.

The first thing I heard when I went inside my okiya, was a scream **(Worded so poorly. Doesn't sound very thrilling.)**. I stood by my wooden doorway dumbstruck, as the darkness swallowed my body whole. Had I really heard it? Or was it just a trick of my mind? It was an unwanted shock. It was an intrusion, a stab to my heart. I held my hand close to my beating heart. I called her name. **(This whole paragraph makes me wince a little. It is a too cliched and if you read it aloud, it sounds just a tad silly.)**

“Okaa-san, is everything alright?” I asked with trembling words to okaa-san **(You don't need to tell us that you're asking your guardian this, as you've already mentioned her name in the question)**, a word used for the owner of the okiya who was my guardian **(??? That part seems pointless, and worded awkwardly too)**.

I took a few trembling steps into the darkness, and lay frozen to what I saw **(Lay frozen? Weren't you just walking?)**. She laid there on the floor with her bloodshot eyes staring at me. She called my name but I only stood still. My breathing became rapid. I felt that the whole house closed **("close")** in on me to the point that I could not move. I had not felt my legs and my body was trembling with shock **(Earlier you said you couldn't move, and yet you're trembling with shock? Be careful of contradictions)**.

No matter what had happened around me, I stood firm **(? Weren't you just trembling in shock? And that sentence doesn't fit, either.)**. Each call from her, I stepped back horrified to what I saw before me **(?)**. This is not real. “This cannot be real!” I held my head as I tried to calm myself **(In a real life situation, a person wouldn't dick around. You've incorrectly portrayed human nature. The way you've written this makes me believe that the main character is either a dimwit, or perhaps idiotic. If a loved one is laying dying on the floor, no-one just stands there as they call to you.)**.

It was only after she called my name once more, that I rushed towards her calling out her name repeatedly hoping that she was still alive. It was complete irony **(Irony is when you're supposed to be presenting a seminar about traffic jams, and you get stuck in one. Irony isn't being alive when someone else isn't)**. I have stood still while she was still alive. Yet I had only moved when she was dead. I could never forgive myself for that. Why? What was wrong with me?! **(I agree, what is wrong with this character? I believe you should cut out all this, and just have the main character come in as the guardian is already dead. Then the MC could do all those things you wrote about, and the reader wouldn't feel as if the MC was a complete loser.)**

It was just before I could reach her that I was pinned down to the ground. I stared across the floor as two people, Collectors, bounded my wrist **(How do you know they are "Collectors"?)**.

Were they my teacher’s murderers? What do they want from me? Why did they come here? All these questions filled my mind as I continuously called her name **(The word "continuously" doesn't fit here. It doesn't fit the mood.)**.

Tears flowed down my soft cheeks **(?? Soft cheeks?)**. It was cold. It was different from the tears that flowed before. All I wanted was to hold her, embrace her and let myself wallow in sorrow but I could not. I simply could not do it **(Couldn't do what? Wallow, or embrace her? I'd imagine you could do neither, as you are tied up)**.

“Okaa-san!” I called her name loudly **(Doesn't ring true. "Okaa-san!" I cried desperately. Sounds much better)** as I stared at her lifeless face before me. I tried to reach for her lifeless **(You've already said it's lifeless)** hand. Her face was still serene even after death. **(Perhaps, "Her face was even more serene after death." Would fit better)**

“Okaa-san! Help! Anyone! Please help me!!” I exclaimed as they bounded my mouth with a rag. **("Okaa-san! Help! Anyone! Help me!" I managed to shriek before they stuffed a rag in my mouth. I immediately gagged, and more tears came to my eyes.")**

The last thing I had seen before they covered my face in a black cloth was her blank eyes that stared at my soul. It haunted me. It tortured my dreams into nightmares. It made my life filled with no purpose. **(This paragraph is awful. Reword. Example, "I caught a glimpse of Okaa-san's blank eyes as they shoved my head roughly into what felt like a rice sack. Her blank eyes seemed to stare into my soul, in accusation. I knew I'd see that stare turn my dreams into nightmares, I knew it'd haunt me forever.")**

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I hope my critique has been helpful.

I would like to read what happens to the main character - we do not even know her name.

Keep on writing

- Jai

Very interesting, good flow, flow is very important, though the bit after the second break could use some tweaking.

There are a few mistakes after the second break, like here: “'Excuse me, Mister, you’re hat…' I called out his name", wrong your, and you called out to him, you did not call out his name, but they are small mistakes like this.

I'm curious about it, can't wait to read more.

Hey there Fox

Here is your requested review. I do hope that what I say now helps. I'm in a particularly good mood, so I'm going to take it piece by piece before I look at it overall.

I knew how my life started.

As a first sentence, while this is not remarkably week, it is not wholly gripping either. The first sentence should start the spin of the story, induce us to read more, and most importantly set a tone for your story that defines who you are as a writer. You haven't told us much here, and I do believe that we would be missing nothing if you merely neglected to tell us this sentence at all. You want to make a difference with every word that you write. If it doesn't help build our picture, don't write it. Okay, that's the end of my rant on first sentences.

It began with a moment of joy, a feeling of no restraints and disturbances.

I'm not sure how aware of this you actually are, but what you've said here is that you had a feeling of no "restraints and disturbances", which would imply that you felt no restraints and disturbances at the same time. You might have however felt restraints without disturbances or vica-versa. While this is not a critical error, I thought I'd use it to illustrate a point: you want to be as clear as possible in every circumstance. In this case, substitute the "and" for an "or".

Though there were

struggles, there was still joy.

To a reader this seems quite paradoxical. What I mean by this is that you told us that you felt no disturbances, but now you tell us that there were struggles, and that the joy was despite that. My feeling is that if you show us what actually happened immediately, you don't need to explain what the emotions were. My advice to you, is to show us what actually happened, and let us see the feelings ourselves.

Like a baby being supported by her mother after she fell to the ground

trying to walk, I felt joy.

By now you've overdone the "joy". You've described it as well as it needs to be described before this point.

It was an art itself, a number of pictures that moved and cannot be described.

This metaphor is remarkably tough to swallow. Even the Mona Lisa wasn't an art. It was an artwork. Once again, be very specific. But better still, in this situation you can drop the whole thing. Replace it with one sentence like, "In the beginning, I was consumed by a feeling of an indescribable joy." This is brief, sharp, and tells us what we need to know.

However, as I grew up, the joy started to dwindle.

Switch the word joy for another.

Slowly and painfully, it was torture in itself.

It "became" torture itself.

Now, watch closely what I do with the next piece:

I knew how my life would end. It would not be like a sword through the neck but a sword through the side, slow and painful.

Several problems exist in this little piece. Firstly, to start off with we don't know what you mean by a sword in the neck. We are only exposed to its implications when you contrast it with a sword in the side. We need to understand your comparisons to start off with. Secondly, we don't feel the penetrating emotion that you were aiming for. Thirdly, the second sentence here is wordy and tough to read. For me, this all filters down to one problem. You need to expose your paragraph appropriately. This means telling us things at the opportune time to maximize our emotion and allow it to leave an imprint on us building up to a climax. I'll give you an example:

I could already feel the life being pulled away from me. Perhaps a quick painless death would have been welcome. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end.

It started on the upper floor of the okiya where displays of kimonos decorated the room.

Be careful, you're telling us that "it started" too many times. Rather tell us the story itself.

The floor was golden and sliding doors stood at each side of the living room, one to the veranda and one

that lead downstairs.

I'm going to criticize you here for dumping information in large chunks. Always try to weave your description into the story itself. It allows us to take in some of the details rather than just read through them.

I sat down before a small table opposite my guardian wearing an elaborate blue and grey kimono

that flowed freely from my shoulders. My hair was decorated and white makeup covered my face. I was

like the snow at winter on the gardens of Kimi-ku.

Often we don't really want to know what you are wearing. I would refrain from telling us unless there was a specific reason that you noticed it. Remember, when writing in the first person become the person. Describe what they would and no more. No less as well. Remember also that your job as narrator is to tell us a story. Not to show us something we wouldn't want to know about.

Okaa-san told me that when drinking a porcelain tea cup, a woman must raise her arms slightly

high so that the man would see my underarm.

I'm not too well versed in Japanese custom, but as I understand it, the term San is far less formal than the term "Sama". I do believe the latter would be a more appropriate form of address in this case.

She held the tea cup firmly before me after but had not raised it high for she told me that this is a mockery to other geishas.

was a a mockery to other geishas. Also, you might want to include some dialogue here. Dialogue is one sure way to introduce us to who your characters are, and I would like to see a little more of that.

I gave a firm bow before I raised the tea cup placing one hand gently at the bottom while my index

finger held the handle.

The problem with this and in fact quite a lot of your story, is that you tell a lot of what happens, but you don't show us how it happens. Be more descriptive in your narration itself such as, "I bowed my head before I curled my index finger through its handle and slid my other hand beneath it. I raised the teacup in the air, replicating Okaa-San's actions.

Slowly I began drinking it but at the middle of my procedure,

I'm not sure what you mean here. The word procedure doesn't fit quite so well here. Describe what happens in simpler words and place more focus on their placing rather than the words themselves. Also I do believe that the sentence should end here.

the cup broke so suddenly. Its pieces scattered on the floor.

There should be a comma rather than a period here.

I gave a number of bows for an apology even scratching my skin against the pieces of glass.

You didn't give your bows in apology. You felt remarkably bad, so you felt yourself bowing over and over again in rapid succession. Try to show us what your response was.

Okaa-san commanded me to sit up and gave a sharp gaze at the pieces.

You can't "give" a gaze "at" anything. You need to gaze at something. This should be, "Okaa-San commanded me to sit up, gazing sharply at the shards of glass scattered across the floor."

I was about to bow again but she ordered not to.

Do not tell us you were about to. Show us what she says. Eg. "Stop bowing!" she said, "it wasn't your fault... etc."

“It was not your fault. It was just bad luck.” She told me but I felt that it was my fault.

When you tell us what you feel, you need to defend that feeling. Why did you feel that it was your fault?

The blood that flowed from the tip of my finger approved of that.

approved is the wrong word here. It "proved" that.

I never really understood what she had said but it was at that exact moment that my life would change. It was at that moment that I learned about the Tournament.

You've defined an exact moment, but you haven't made it that exact. When exactly was this exact moment? When you broke the cup? When she spoke to you? Two minutes after that?

Rain poured over me as I walked hurriedly through the dense streets of Gion a few weeks after

the incident.

Why were you hurrying. We need to know. If you don't like water, tell us that.

Several people walked silently through the rain.

They had not spoken to each other.

If they were silent, then they certainly hadn't spoken to each other, right?

They simply walked alone.

But they're not alone if they are in a group, right?

“Excuse me, Mister, you’re hat…”

*your. Remember, you use the apostrophe to contract two words, in this case "you" and "are".

I called out his name

His name is "Mister"?

after I had bumped his straw hat into the

streets.

You want a little bit of chronology. Tell us she bumped his straw hat before you show us the dialogue.

His small bent back was still visible from the crowds that encircle him.

Try to keep to one tense. "encircled".

I tried chased him but it was pointless.

You need to explain your motives. Why did you try to chase him?

I gave a sigh before I continued walking to the okiya.

This is for me probably the most common mistake I see when reviewing first person narratives. You never account what you wouldn't notice. Sighing is a subconscious action. Don't tell us that you sigh unless there is a tremendously good reason for you to notice it.

The first thing I heard when I went inside my okiya, was a scream.

Think how much more effective this could be if you said this in the active. If you don't know how to do this, there's an article on "Writing Gooder" about it. Here's the link: http://www.writinggooder.com/2009/06/24 ... ive-voice/

I stood by my wooden

doorway dumbstruck, as the darkness swallowed my body whole.

Do try to explain your motions. Shorten your sentences and suspense will build far more easily.

It was an unwanted shock. It was an intrusion, a stab to my heart. I held my hand

close to my beating heart. I called her name.

Firstly, we know it was an intrusion, and why was it a stab to your heart? Usually that would only be felt after you knew she was dead. Also, you repeated the word "heart" unnecessarily.

“Okaa-san, is everything alright?” I asked with trembling words to okaa-san, a word used for the

owner of the okiya who was my guardian.

One of the key tricks to writing dialogue is to write the words to be so emotive that you don't need to define them as "trembling" or otherwise. Also, as soon as you break away to tell us who Okaa-San was, you lose a lot of your suspense.

I took a few trembling steps into the darkness, and lay frozen to what I saw. She laid there on

the floor with her bloodshot eyes staring at me.

She lay there. Not laid there.

She called my name but I only stood still. My breathing became rapid. I felt that the whole house closed in on me to the point that I could not move. I had not felt my legs and my body was trembling with shock.

Try shorten the sentences and avoid repetition. Suspense builds better if you do this.

Each call from her, I stepped back horrified to what I saw before me.

This seems to be fragmented. Complete the sentence.

“This cannot be real!”

Remove the inverted commas and change "cannot" to "could not" and this would be marvelous! I really like your attempt at building up to emotion here.

It was only after she called my name once more, that I rushed towards her calling out her name

repeatedly hoping that she was still alive.

Surely if she called your name you knew she was still alive?

It was complete irony. I have stood still while she was still alive.

Once again, watch your tense.

Yet I had only moved when she

was dead.

Incorporate this fragment into the previous segment for better effect.

It was just before I could reach her that I was pinned down to the ground. I stared across the floor as

two people, Collectors, bounded my wrist.

Firstly, how did you know they were "Collectors"? Secondly, we want some emotion here. Screaming, kicking, and building of a real scene. Let us know you struggled. We want some more suspense.

Tears flowed down my soft cheeks. It was cold.

What was cold? The weather or the tears?

It was different from the tears that flowed before.

"they" were different etc.

I exclaimed as they bounded my mouth with a rag.

Bound is already past tense for bind. They can't have "bounded" you, they bound you.

The last thing I had seen before they covered my face in a black cloth was her blank eyes that stared

at my soul. It haunted me. It tortured my dreams into nightmares.

This is superb! I love the description and you've built a vivid image. I would make a suggestion though. Try change "that stared at my soul" to "that seemed to stare through my soul".

It made my life filled with no purpose.

This sentence doesn't quite make sense. If I were you, I'd simply chop it off, and end your chapter with your marvelous sentence above.

Okay, That's the piece by piece. Here's my more general advice:
On Prose: I would start trying to use simpler words, and form more coherent and well structured sentences. Once you have that, the more complex words will come automatically. You have quite a few fragments here that you might want to turn into full sentences. Also, try to build things up to excitement as best you can.

Description: Some of your description is great, but some of it is lacking. As a general rule: If we wouldn't understand something describe it as you go along. If we wouldn't want to know something, don't describe it. When you do describe something, try to describe it simply. Just enough to give us a picture of it. Also, use description to show us what the persona sees and transport us into their mind. If you can do this, and get us to care about the characters, you are victorious.

Passive Vs. Active: See what you can do to write things in the active voice wherever you can. It helps take us into the action.

Become the character: Describe what your character sees exactly as you think they would see it. You want to specifically focus on responding as they would to a tough situation, and communicating this effectively to your audience.

Setting: We don't actually have much of your setting. Describe what's around you. Not in one shot though because that doesn't help anyone. Describe the occasional things that your character notices, and that should build up enough of a picture of where your story takes place.

Research: I think that you want to try to research the Japanese culture as best you can. When you do this, your story looks far more authentic and legitimate.

Overall: I think you have something to work with here. You need to try to grab our attention a little more at the beginning of the chapter and work on some of the things that I've mentioned. The best way to improve at writing is to write more. The second best way is to read more. Those last two tips are more important than all the rest that I've given you here.

I hope that the review helped.
Have a great one!

Hi again!

Firstly - I scanned the story, and to my absolute astonishment, it's absolutely improved 100% from the first post. Well done, FireFox!

Second, I see Master Yoda gave you a very thorough review I hope they helped too

The following is what I think of your basically new story.

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*this story is an extract of my novel but my creative teacher told me to start with short stories before i make a novel so here it is. It an introduction of the Tournament. **(I think you can get rid of this. It's not relevant to the story, and there are mistakes in it that could deter the casual reader)**

**(I've fixed this paragraph up. It was strangely formatted. . . this is what it should look like:)** I could already feel the life being pulled away from me. Perhaps a quick painless death would have been welcome **(lol, Fox, we all wish for a painless death. Therefore the word "perhaps" doesn't need to be used and "welcome" seems a bit silly. You've got a nice paragraph here on death, it just needs to be reworded slightly. This is how I'd write it: "A quick, painless death eluded me; I could already feel the blood oozing out of the stab wound in my ribs. It was clear that this was how my life would end. And so I anticipated death.")**. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end. **(This should all be in italics, as you are foreshadowing,and the reader would like to know when you return back to the past. . . as ridiculous as that sounds )**

Call me Iniyuki or Yuki for short **(I don't know if you're after a young child's point of view [which isn't taken as seriously] or a young adult's point of view [someone the reader can trust will tell a good story], but at the moment, "Call me Iniyuki or Yuki for short" gives the impression of a young child. You've done a good job at introducing the MCs name (which you didn't before ), so kudos for you in the regard. "I do not remember my first name, it, amongst other early childhood memories, were lost before I was adopted by my current guardian, Okaa-san." fits better. . .)** . Some years ago- I do not how long it was- I was adapted to an Okiya headed by a woman whom I refer to as Okaa-san. I do not know how I had reacted back then. I would have cried, fought back and Okaa-san would have slapped me on the cheek. **(First you tell us that you didn't know how you reacted, and then you tell us how you reacted. . . Just like in my last critique, be careful of contradictions.)** Nevertheless, as I looked back to what I have been, I cannot believe to be such a girl. **(Now, I think this whole paragraph can be reworded. However, it is a much better start than your previous one )**

Here, I was now, at the age of sixteen winters **("I was now sixteen winters wise, spending most of my nights attending parties and elsewise entertaining guests, who oft wondered in from the dense streets of Gion.)** on the dense streets of Gion spending most of my nights having parties and entertaining guest. Nevertheless, I also have strict lessons from Okaa-san everyday who along with my older sister, Kikuya, tutored me on how to play the shamisen, perform a tea ceremony, wear a kimono and do the arts of kabuki. **(Fantastic! Thank you for describing what a geisha is But, there are a few things to fix up in this sentence. "During the day, however, I sit strict lessons tutored by Okaa-san, and her daughter, Kikuya, who taught me how to play the shamisen, correctly perform the tea ceremony, wear a kimono and trained me in the arts of kabuki." For us ignorant people out there, what exactly is a shamisen, and what are the arts of kabuki?)**

In simple terms, I am an embodiment of beauty in New Kyoto **(Very nice sentence)**. I am a maiko, an apprentice geisha, learning the arts and life of a true geisha.

Yet, I knew that my learning would be short lived. **(I wouldn't jump the gun and immediately say this. You should incorporate the government story first before saying you are going to die young.)** I lived on **(in)** a region called New Kyoto on the country of Yedo. A government body called The Council governed the region. Okaa-san told me little about this council. On the other hand, from what I had observed from the parties I was invited, they usually wear black and grey robes, remained quiet, and each one wore a scarlet bracelet in each of their arms. Their faces were expressionless and even after Okaa-san and the other geishas entertained them, they gave a short clap, and nodded their heads repeatedly. It was as if that they regard their entertainment as simple Child’s play. **(While this is a pretty good paragraph, try reading it aloud. There are some faults - simple ones - that are easily picked out when you try and read them. Once again, all these words are perfectly fine - it's just the way you've put them together that can be improved upon. Here's how I would have written it (using almost all your words): "I lived in a region called New Kyoto, located within the foothills of the country of Yedo, governed by the government body self-proclaimed "The Council". Okaa-san told me little about this council, but from what I had observed from the parties I was invited to, the council members wore black and grey robes, with a scarlet armband their only adornment. Stories of how unnaturally quiet they were, were used to install fear in young trouble-makers. Their faces were as expressionless as statues and even after Okaa-san and the other geishas entertained them, they remained as such, only issuing a short clap, and nodding their heads repeatedly. It was as if that they regarded their entertainment from the highest geishas as simple child's play.")**

I never understood people from the Council **("Council people" sounds better)**. Why do they behave like this? How do they govern our region? Moreover, why do the people fear them greatly? For **(omit "for")** countless times, Okaa-san told me to avoid members of the Council.

“They are not to be trusted.” She said once, “It would be like hugging a bear and never knew when the bear would crush you with its arms.” **("It would be like hugging a bear and never knowing when the bear would crush you to it with it's arms.")**

I obeyed her words like law. For only by her instructions should I engage with them. Even so, I would never realize that I would be fully involved with the Council’s true form of entertainment, called the Tournament. **(Interesting! As soon as I read this, I wanted to read more about the Tournament. But once again, wording. You make things sound awkward. "I obeyed her words like law, and only engaged with Council members when she instructed me to do so. It wasn't until I could do nothing about it that I learned of the Council's true form of entertainment. The Tournament.")**

Rain poured over me as I walked hurriedly through the dense streets **(You've used the description "dense streets" already, so think of something equally as good, because "dense streets" is awesome imagery)** of Gion a few weeks after the incident **(Careful What incident? I know what incident - the tea cup shattering. But don't forget you've deleted this ) trying to get home after I had forgotten my umbrella at the Okiya. Several people walked silently through the rain. Their large straw hats covered their faces. Their shadows appeared on the walls like distorted beasts on moonlights. I stared at them anxiously. **(Much better! A few simple suggestions, however: "Their shadows cast by moonlight appeared on the bricked street walls like distorted beasts. I was starting to scare myself with my imagination, as I watched them anxiously.")**

With rain running rivulets down my face, I let out a slight gasp as a man adorned in a straw hat loomed out of the shadows at me. In my fright I lashed out, and his hat tumbled from his head. I babbled an apology, and bent to retrieve his hat. He continued walking as if he had not heard me. His small bent back was still visible from the crowds that encircle **("encircled")** him.

The first thing I heard when I went inside my okiya was a scream. **(You've jumped too far! :O Tell us about her rushing home some more. Tell us about her fumbling for a key to unlock the door. Tell us about her drying her feet on a floor mat. Also, a scream would have drawn many people from the neighbouring houses. Maybe a low groan, or a moan of pain would fit better.)** I stood by my **("the")** wooden doorway dumbstruck. I held my hand close to my beating heart as I called her name.

“Okaa-san, is everything alright?” **(Sounds/looks better as: "I held my hand close to my beating heart as I called, "Okaa-san? Is everything alright?")**

There was silence, long and forbidding. I stepped forward into the darkness with trembling steps **("I stepped forward into the darkness, trembling" You've already used the word "step")** as I called her name repeatedly.

The ground floor was empty **(Here I had to read twice. You never mentioned that her house had more than one room. I got confused, and thought that the ground of the floor was empty)**. Not a single soul, I saw as I lit up the room **(Should there have been anyone on the ground floor? I don't think she would have been thinking "not a single soul" after she heard a scream)**. The floors welcomed me with their golden mats that covered it and amber rays of light showered the room. Yet there was no sense of welcome except for its emptiness. **(Contradictory again. First you say the floor welcomes you, and now you say there is no sense of welcome. "The floor looked invitingly soft covered with golden mats, showered by the amber rays of light emitted from the candles I had hurriedly lit. But despite the warm colours, there was no sense of welcome in this empty room.")

One, Two, Three, Four, **(No need for capitalization)** I counted each step before I had reached the second floor only to be greeted by the darkness that masked the three rooms at each side.

“Okaa-san!” I called her name again as I walked at the narrow hallway to search for her. In each step, I could hear my heart beating. I pulled the doors open in one push **(:P Contradiction. You pull the door open in one push?)**, which the trapped air would strike my body **(Huh? Do you mean: "As I pulled the door open, cold air from an open window struck my body, and chilled me to the bone."?)**.

Just as I would have touched the surface of her door, it opened. A figure came out and I moved back at the other side of the hallway with my eyes open and my mouth open. **(Okay. . . Hmm. It would be better that she opened the door to Okaa's room, and saw: "A figure stepped up from Okaa's prone body, and I felt my mouth drop open in horror. "Okaa-san," I whispered as the man with a broad body, large square-shaped face stood before me. He raised his chin, and stretched one bloody hand out towards me. The lights flickered and I gazed on in pitiful terror as my legs trembled with weakness, and my throat dried until I could actively hear the wind whistle past my windpipe. I tried speaking, screaming, but I had no voice. Suddenly the man leaped forward, and I was so startled I couldn't react. He bound my wrists together tightly with a chain as other figures came out of the darkness and held me down on the cold wooden floorboards.")**

“Okaa-san,” I whispered as the figure stood firmly before me. His body was broad, his face large and square-shaped. He had done anything but to raise his chin partly high and stretched his hands behind the wall. The light flickered on and I gazed in pitiful horror as my throat felt dry, my legs weak, and my voice lost with no reason.

The man approached me so suddenly that I had no time to react. He bounded my wrist tightly with a silver rusting chain as they held me on the cold wooden floorboards.

I called my guardian’s name and Kikuya’s name as well but to no avail as I saw her body- unconscious, I hoped- at the side of the room with her kimono scattered across the floor. **(I thought you said she couldn't speak? And why wasn't Kikuya's name mentioned before? You never said she'd be home with Okaa. . .)**

“Kikuya-san! Okaa-san!” I called their names as I wept from where I lay biting my lips that I could not do anything that could helped them. **(Wording)**

I caught a glimpse of Okaa-san's blank eyes as they shoved my head roughly, **(comma not needed)** into what felt like a rice sack. Her blank eyes seemed to stare into my soul, in accusation. I knew I'd see that stare turn my dreams into nightmares, I knew it'd haunt me forever.

-------------------

Well done!

Good story.

I think you should repost it as a new post (with a different title, perhaps) so people will read it. Many people on YWS read the comments first, to see if the first commenter liked it. If the comments are not good, then the reader won't read the actual story.

I suggest fixing up the story as I've suggested, going through it a few times yourself to make any changes, and then reposting it as a new topic as The Tournament.

Be careful of your contradictions, and read your story aloud to pick up on the sentences that don't make sense.

You need a bit more descriptive language. What does Okaa look like? Did Kikuya and Yuki get along? What did their house look like? What did entertaining as a geisha include? Did Yuki have any friends? At what age was she adopted? Where is the man of the house? What era is this story set in?

I'm sure as you read over your work you'll see the holes that a bit of background information would fill it.

Adding the bit about the Council was an excellent idea

PM me if you change it any, and if you end up posting a part two

I hope I've helped again

- Jai

Firstly Fox, I want to apologize about the delay on this. I'd actually written a review completely, when my computer suddenly gave up the ghost, and I lost the whole review. And then I was deprived of internet. And now I'm writing your review.

This review should be slightly different stylistically to the first review, as you've already done an edit. I want to try to take a wider angle at the piece. Try to point out stylistic tips for you to use when writing the next chapters. I'd also advocate moving along before you rewrite this chapter again so that you move somewhere with the story. If you don't feel it advancing you may begin to feel discouraged. So, here are one or two tips that I think might help you specifically as you start writing your next piece.

foxfire wrote:I could already feel the life being pulled away from me. Perhaps a quick painless death would

have been welcome. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood

oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end.
Call me Iniyuki or Yuki for short.

It is very rare that you'll find that something like this is effective. While you have successfully grabbed our interest with the first couple of sentences, you've successfully lost it with the last sentence. What I refer to here is known as exposition. You need to work on rolling out your story at the right pace and the right chronology to attain maximum effect. The last thing that you usually want to do while writing an action scene is to interrupt it to give us a little background information.

I would suggest doing one of two things: You could either begin with an intriguing concept but essentially introduce yourself through a conversation or something to that effect. You as the narrator don't need to tell us who you are, but you could familiarize us with the setting and everything else we need to make the story credible before you told the story. Be careful to avoid info dumping while doing this, and be careful that you don't lose our interest.

The second way that you could go about doing this is to give us the action first, and allow us to find out about your characters as we go along. I would advocate this approach as it is tougher to fall into the trap of losing your reader's attention while following. The only thing that you need to worry about while taking this route is to avoid throwing us too much into your world before we understand it. Describe using terminology that is straight forward without us knowing as much about your world as you yourself do.

The second piece of advice that I can give you that was immediately noticeable while reading the above extract is to become aware of how addressing your audience sometimes pulls them away from the story. Unless you are trying to effectively pull a response from your audience, avoid addressing us. In other words, don't tell us to call you Yuki, tell us that your name is Yuki. While the difference appears subtle, it actually plays a major role in distracting your reader from your story, and detracts from the effect of addressing your audience when you do want a response from them.

It's very difficult for me to phrase my next point. I'm going to give you an example, and hope that you understand what I'm referring to.

Nevertheless, as I looked back to what I have been, I cannot believe to be such a girl.

If you look at the above sentence, it displays an improper use of the infinitive. ie. to be. A person wants "to be" In other words, to be is an act. You can not believe to be? That's like saying, "I cannot believe to jump" or something like that. Avoid using sentence constructions like this, and we'll respect you far more as a writer. Read it out loud to yourself, and you don't always need to try sounding fancy for risk of messing up.
"You cannot believe that you are such a girl." Fill in all the necessary words.

The next point that I make relates to repetition. I'm going to use one example that I found fairly disturbing:

Yet, I knew that my learning would be short lived. I lived on a region called New Kyoto on the country of Yedo. A government body called The Council governed the region. Okaa-san told me little about this council.

If you look at the above emboldened words, you find double repetition. Bits and pieces like this are easy to avoid. You can also cut out a lot of unnecessary baggage while avoiding this issue. Remember, brevity is the soul of wit. eg. "Okaa-san told me about the government body called The council. They governed the region of New Keyoto, my home, that was buried within Yedo." You do away with a whole line by doing something like this.

Now for my final point before I leave you: As readers, at any given point we only need the information that is necessary to the story. Try to refrain from telling us anything that is not necessary to create the image that you want us to see as you paint the story. This means that you should describe the pieces that your character feels strongly about vividly. It also means that you should refrain from telling us things that your character would not necessarily feel as she recounts the tale. Give us what we need in detail. Don't give us any of what we don't need at a given point.

Well done on the rewrite. It was a far superior piece to the first draft, and I really think that you've got great potential. I would recommend trying to read certain fantasy novels to see how the greats chose to paint their stories. If you want any specific recommendations, please feel free to PM me or post in my Guestbook. I'll do what I can to help. Any questions about the review, same goes as the above.

Once again, I'm really sorry about the delay, but I do hope the review helped.

Hey foxfire ^^ Shina here for a review

*this story is an extract of my novel but my creative teacher told me to start with short stories before i make a novel so here it is. It an introduction of the Tournament.

Short stories are good practice, but you don't necessarily need to do these before novels.

I could already feel the life being pulled away from me.

Perhaps a quick painless death would

have been welcome. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood

oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end.

I'm not liking this structure so much. Just keep it all together because it's confusing to read O_O
Also, your hook is decent, but I think you're using the wrong words. Instead, maybe:
"I could already feel the life being extracted from my body." since it's the MC's life, you need to note that it's being separated from their body.

Perhaps a quick painless death would have been welcome. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end.

First line doesn't make sense. The punctuation is also off and you should combine this a bit:
"Perhaps I would've welcomed a quick, painless death if I hadn't already known that mine was to be slow and painful."

It was like feeling the blood oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death.

Doesn't make sense. Plus, I think death is worse than that. You can be more descriptive on exactly how he's dying because he's dying right then and there, isn't he? You need to work on transferring your thoughts into a story.
I think you're trying to say:
"It felt like blood slowly oozing out of a deep wound, anticipating death. It was gradual suffering, like poison almost."
But I suggest you try to do these on your own so I don't have to reword them all for you.

-.-" I'm sorry, but I have to cut my review short.

Overall, it was... confusing. Work on getting your point across, your descriptions, and your imagery.

-Shina

Hmmmm. I interesting. I like this, but it kind of moves too fast. I think the begining of a story should be more spread out, and you start pushing these council members on us way too fast. Maybe you should - if you want to adapt this into a novel, it will hve to be way more drawn out - start with the MC doing training, and then follow them to a party, where they introduce the Council members to the reader for the first time. Also, stop pushing the fact that you will end up in a type of their entertainment. We don't want to know what's going to happen to the MC during the story; that's why we read.
So:
Start with a more cmoposed begining.
Don't tell us what will happen.
Draw out the begining more - stretch it into individual parts of his day, and gradually introduce the main plot from there.
There you go, easy as 1,2,3! [okay, I didn't mean to sound harsh there, but I think this could be a good peice. One last thing... There already is a book called battle Royale, and it's been made into a movie, too. Maybe you should rename the peice and try not to rip of something that's already been done. Change it, manipulate it, make it better!]

Hey Fox!



I really like this story! It's breath taking. Your so good at writing. I wish I have your skills. I was not expecting the end. Which that is really good. You want to surprise the reader. But I do Have a suggestion. In the beginning you want to grasp the reader. Make them read more of it. What made me read all of it was that in each story I read, there is always something unexpected. I create a hook.
Something to draw the readers attention. Anyway, I really loved it. It is a wonderful story. You have some future ahead of you. There will be people in the future quoting your quotes. Good luck with all of your work. Never give up!:)


sweetie_pie94

Hey there Firefox ^_^.

I'm guessing you've read 'Memoirs of a Geisha'? A lot of this story sounds much like it as it is a little more quickened, the character 'Yuki' sounding much like the character 'Sayuri' or Chiyo from memoirs of a geisha.

Some facts you might want to know are that the neck is more important for makeup then the face. Also, the guitar is not used in japanese culture at the time. Maybe a samisen? This instrument can be terribly annoying but the instrument of choice for a geisha.

And the geisha werent necessarily concerned on holding a cup of tea for if you are graceful there is no need to worry. It's pouring the tea that is more of a symbol as they raise the sleeve of their kimono. Of course, you may know this from reading the book.

Also, a geisha, even an apprentice one, would not be walking in the rain at the age of 16 years. A younger girl would usually hold a laquered paper umbrella for them as they walked. The geisha are graceful and do not slip up nor lash out. They restain themselves to a point of insanity in my opinion.

Overall

The beginning feels way to much like Memoirs of a Geisha. It is really hard to go up agaisnt such a classic like that with the same ideals of Geisha and what they stand for. I'm sure you have an interesting story as it does seem strange but I would ask you to try and free it from the same feel as Arthur Golden.

Other then that it has some potential. Sorry if I sound a little overfactual on the japanese front. I usually spend my days off studying Japanese history and the language in itself so I know a little bit about the subject.

Ciao
~The.Dreamwalker

Hello, foxfire, I'll be your reviewer for today. Be warned that I do get very nitpicky and will point out things that bother me even if I don't have any suggestions how to fix them. ^^

I could already feel the life being pulled away from me. A quick painless death eluded me. I knew, though, that mine would be slow and painful. It was like feeling the blood oozing out of a stab wound in the ribs, anticipating death. I knew how my life would end.

Much of this feels unnecessary. It's all so vague and I don't know enough about your main character to really care about how they're going to die. I suggest removing this piece entirely, or work it in later into the piece when we become connected enough to the main character to care.

I do not remember my real name, it, amongst other early childhood memories, were lost before I was adopted by my current guardian, Inihime-san, on the district of Gion, a place where women are in control over the household and in the district.

For real? This is one sentence? Not a good idea to start your story off with a run-on, is it? ~_^ Change the comma after "name" to a period. Also, the very last clause, about the women, should be removed; it's an icky piece of telling instead of showing. Let it be shown through your characters' actions that women are in control, don't state it straight to us.

I was now sixteen winters wise, spending most of my nights attending parties and else wise entertaining guest, who oft wondered in from the dense street of Gion.

I like the phrasing of "sixteen winters wise", but don't like this sentence from "else wise". I'd rewrite it as "otherwise entertaining guests who wandered in from the dense street of Gion". Try for being clear over being archaically poetic.

During the day, however, I sat strict lessons tutored by Inihime-san, and her daughter, Kikuya, who taught me how to play the guitar, correctly perform the tea ceremony, wear a kimono and trained me in the arts of kabuki. However, training was never this strict. Whenever Inihime-san was not feeling well, Kikuya-san acquired responsibility over me. She took me to a nearby shrine and told me on how a geisha should act.

Please, show instead of tell this. You don't have to show every minute detail of the lessons, but at least offering a snapshot from each would be more compelling than saying "I did this, I did that".

“Do you see the sparrow hovering above the cherry blossom, Yuki?” she pointed to the cherry blossom beside us, “Unlike us, sparrows are free from the troubles of everyday human life. It is pure on what it does and that is what you must do. A geisha must always be pure.”

Somtehing like this is what I'm talking about. ^^

Stories of how unnaturally quiet they were, were used to install fear in young troublemakers.

You have an unnecessary comma here, and get a little verbose overall. I'd rephrase this as "Stories of their unnatural silence wre used to..."

I never understood the Council people. Why do they behave like this? How do they govern our region? Moreover, why do the people fear them greatly?

You're changing tenses here. Keep everything here in past tense.

I have to get off now, but I promise I'll be back soon to finish the review. Sorry!

And I'm back! Fixing antiviruses can be a pain...

I obeyed her words like law, and only engaged with Council members when she instructed me to do so. It was not until I could do nothing about it that I learned of the Council's true form of entertainment. The Tournament.

I'd suggest removing this bit, because it kind of hammers into the readers' face just how mysterious the Council is. Trust your readers to draw that conclusion by themselves. Also, you set up the idea of the Tournament here but don't pick up on it in the next part, so it feels kind of random.

Just leave off with what you had already, remove this paragraph, and trust the mysterious atmosphere you're creating to speak for itself.

Rain poured over me as I walked hurriedly through the cobblestone streets of Gion, one night, trying to get home after I had forgotten my umbrella at the Okiya.

This sentence is a bit of a mess. First off, "walked hurriedly" should be replaced by a single stronger verb. "Dashed"? "Trotted"? "Jogged"? The way your character 'walks hurriedly" will convey volumes about who they are.

The comma after "Gion" isn't necessary, either.

Several people walked silently through the rain. Their large straw hats covered their faces. Their shadows cast by moonlight appeared on the bricked street walls like distorted beasts. I was starting to scare myself with my imagination, as I watched them anxiously.

This paragraph just feels...so simplistic and childish. I'm not getting any emotion from it, which is bad given the first person format you've got going here. It's partly because you're telling the narrator's fear, "I was starting to scare myself..." when you've got a perfectly workable instance of showing (the "distorted beasts" imagery). The vague language you're using alos hurts things. "Walked silently", "large straw hats", etc.

Get a little more in-depth--what makes them creepy? Do their steps make no noise? Are they hugging the shadows in the streets? Do they not make eye contact with anyone? Are they moving in unison? Are they creepily tall? Etcetera etcetera. It's little aspects like those that add up to the overall feeling of creepiness.

With rain running rivulets down my face, I let out a slight gasp as a man adorned in a straw hat loomed out of the shadows at me. In my fright I lashed out, and his hat tumbled from his head. I babbled an apology, and bent to retrieve his hat. He continued walking as if he had not heard me. His small bent back was still visible from the crowds that encircled him.

I feel this should be expanded beyond a paragraph.

I rushed home, spooked by the silent people crowding the streets.

You honestly don't need the second clause because you've already established that she's been spooked. So saying it again gets redundant.

It sounded different much like
“Kikuya-san! Inihime-san, is everything alright?”

...I don't understand what you're trying to say here. I get the feeling that some words have been cut out?

The floor looked invitingly soft covered with golden mats, showered by the amber rays of light emitted from the candles I had hurriedly lit.

Okay, I feel bad pointing out this problem since I have it myself, but you're abusing adverbs here! The rule of thumb is never to use more adverbs than you absolutely need to. Strong verbs should be able to speak for themselves (I can think of rephrasing the first part, for example, as "The soft golden mats on the floor beckoned to me...").

As I pulled the door open, cold air from an open window struck my body, and chilled me to the bone.

"Chilled to the bone" is a cliche; try thinking of a more inventive way to say this.

A figure stepped up from Inihime-san’s prone body, and I felt my mouth drop open in horror. "Inihime-san," I whispered as the man with a broad body, large square-shaped face stood before me. He raised his chin, and stretched one bloody hand out towards me. The lights flickered and I gazed on in pitiful terror as my legs trembled with weakness, and my throat dried until I could actively hear the wind whistle past my windpipe. I tried speaking; screaming, but I had no voice. Suddenly the man leaped forward, and I was so startled I could not react. He bound my wrists together tightly with a chain as other figures came out of the darkness and held me down on the cold wooden floorboards.

This happens far too quickly; the action in here should be spread through several paragraphs at least. In fact, breaking it up into short, emphatic paragraphs and sentences will help underscore the sense of urgency.

I'm also bugged by your continued mix of showing and telling; you have some very fine instances of telling (the whistling wind in the windpipe, inability to speak), but then you have things like "pitiful terror" and "trembled with weakness". Slash those; the writing will be much stronger for that.

His body was broad, his face large and square-shaped. He had done anything but to raise his chin partly high and stretched his hands behind the wall. The light flickered on and I gazed in pitiful horror as my throat felt dry, my legs weak, and my voice lost with no reason.

Almost all of this paragraph is repetition of the previous. We already know the man's face is large and square-shaped, and he's broad-bodied, and that the main character's throat is dry, her legs are weak, and she has no voice. Excise the repetition.

The man approached me so suddenly that I had no time to react. He bounded my wrist tightly with a silver rusting chain as they held me on the cold wooden floorboards.

....is this because of formatting issues or a not careful editing job or something? Because all of the above has been a repetition of that big paragraph. O_o *confused*

“Kikuya-san! Inihime-san!” I called their names as I wept from where I lay biting my lips in the torment that I could not do anything to help them.

Now here's where some commas would help. Comma after "lay".

This sentence has a bit too much to it. You don't need the "I called their names", since it's implied from her speech already, and the reader can infer that she's upset because she's unable to help them, without you needing to state it straight out.

I knew I'd see that stare turn my dreams into nightmares, I knew it'd haunt me forever.

You have a run-on here, but more of issue is that "haunt me forever" is a cliche. Think of a more fresh way to state this. ^^

All right, now that the nitpicks are over, time for overall thoughts:

You've got an interesting premise with this story, and I'm already intrigued to know what this Tournament is. It's not very often that you see fantasy stories set in a more Asiatic culture, and I like how you incorporate elements of that culture in everything without it being overwhelming. You're also very good at slipping in worldbuilding information without it being an info-dump, such as when you introduced the Council. It seems you've got an excellent grasp already on describing the world by what pertains to the main character. Too often, in fantasy you get writers who'll dump every minute detail of their world on the readers' head whether it matters to the MC or not, but in your case, you have only described the details that affect her (her geisha training, the Council) and have still managed to build a realistic, fully-realized world by doing so.

Now, on to what I didn't like. Namely, I feel this piece moved way too fast. It felt like two medium-sized chapters condensed into one short chapter. You skimmed over scenes that should have been given more depth (the fight with the mysterious man, elements of her geisha training), and as a result it's hard for the reader to connect with her as a character. I didn't feel any pathos at the ending because you didn't depict her relationship with Inihime and Kikuya in depth enough. The fast pace you were going with also meant that there was way too much telling done and not enough showing. At times I felt more like I was reading a summary than the actual novel.

The solution's easy--split this in two chapters. Devote one chapter to her daily life with Inihime and Kikuya. Show snapshots of her training, show her properly interacting with both, so we get to care for her and them as well. Then, at the end, introduce the idea of the Council. Don't bring up the Tournament or even say outright they're going to do something bad. Just introduce the idea with some hinting of ominous intent, and that'll keep the reader curious enough to keep reading.

Then, expand the scene with the mysterious people and the deaths of Inihime and Kikuya into the second chapter. Go in depth in her emotional responses, work hard on showing the creepiness of the situation. The contrast between the relative piece of the first chapter and the violence of the second will be a wonderful shock to the reader and show just how bad her situation has become. Because you've lengthened the first chapter and gotten us acquainted with Inihime and Kikuya, we the audience will actually feel the main character's grief at their deaths. We will connect with her, and that's vital in a story.

Don't worry about boring the readers with details on her daily life. If that is what's necessary to get us to care for her and the other characters, then that is necessary. As it is, you're going too fast for anyone to get emotionally invested.

Keep on writing, and the best of luck in your endeavors. I'm looking forward for more.