I know that I started a lot of sentences with "I"
but I did it on purpose.

Hi! ^^ I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewing you today.

I find myself staring again, I quickly avert my gaze.

I think this would work better as "I find myself staring again and quickly avert my gaze."

The shaggy Labrador she is pointing to wags it’s tail. It’s tongue dangles playfully from it’s mouth.

As you probably know, grammar can get quite ridiculosuly confusing. "It's" is not the possessive, it's the contraction for "it is." The possessive is a plain "its," without the apostrophe.

“He’s a fighter that boy, a real warrior.”

You need a comma after "fighter."

A car races past us, music blares out from it’s speakers.

Again with the "it's." Also, I'd rephrase the sentence to: "A car races past us, music blaring out from its speakers." It just flows better overall.

She’s a pretty thing ain’t she, those long brown eyelashes. You look like here I think. Heck, I bet you look even prettier.”

A few things in this sentence. First, I think you mean "her," not "here." ^^

Secondly, you need a comma after "thing" and "her."

Thirdly, I was under the weird impression that the narrator was a boy up until this point, and I don't know why. I think it's that if I don't know the narrator's gender, a part of me just automaticaly assumes it's a boy (being traditionalist and all, hehehe). Do you think you could make it a bit more obvious she's a girl earlier on?

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned,” she recounts, still staring into the unknown. “It’s that if maybe I used my life better, did something important, something that mattered; maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

You need a comma after "unknown," not a period.

I can see it in her eyes; that feeling.

What feeling is that, I wonder?

It clings to me like a spider dangling from it’s web.

Wow, that's a good metaphor! Good job, you. ^^

------------------------

Overall:

First impressions first: This piece was really good! Loraine was a marvelous character and so was the narrator, really.

*However,* the ending seemed really . . . random, if that's the right word. Like your narrator just had this encounter and didn't really take anything concrete from it. She just drives home, gets some cookies, and goes to her room. It doesn't really have a point.

Real life can be like that sometimes, yes, often. But stories can't be like that. They can't go off hanging without some wrap-up, for better or for worse.

Also, the title. "She Doesn't Know." Who is "she," and what doesn't she know? I don't think you explained this in the text.

I really liked your metaphors and your use of description. The description of Loraine's hands was fantastic! Kudos to you. ^^

^^ Good job, and keep writing!

-Hawks-

Hi =]

I'm not going to review your grammar and word order...etc because i think Hawkie got it all =] but this is the general feel i get from this piece.

Plot: There isnt really a plot yet but i am intruiged by the story already so write more please (:

Characters; Ok, so i really like the ideas and i love the character of Loraine you made, especially the way that she isnt perfect, but still the character seems to like her. but i dont quite understand your main character, i dont think i know anything really about her yet so developing her would be good .

Content: I think your description is amazing, especially the way you pick out certain things, like Loraine's hands and similar. Again, i think you could describe the main chararcter more though .

I will be follwing this if you write any more, i love it =]

Mercy Xx

Hey there, Forever ^^ Shina here for a review as requested Feel free to PM me if you'd like anything else reviewed. I really like the tone you have to your writing. When I read your other piece, it was so mysterious and I got caught up in the story xD Just need to work on painting that setting *nods*

I reviewed half of this yesterday and I didn't finish because I had to go to sleep, but it seems you now have an explanation that helps ^^ I didn't see anything wrong with the plot, yet, but it's a good thing you posted that up. I can now enjoy the piece without analyzing the plot and conflict xD

I. Nitpicks

Her hair is gray, almost white.

First things first: the hook.

The first line of any piece of writing is called "the hook." And its name just about says all. The hook is supposed to, well, hook xD Think of it as the window to your story, to the world you've created. If the window is too small, your readers won't be able to fit through. If it's covered in glitter, flowers, and stickers, the readers will think it's too frilly and happy to enter. And if your window is too dark, dusty, and covered in cobwebs, the reader will barely take notice of your story.

Since she says it best, take it away Rosanne Knorr

Rosanne Knorr wrote:Your hook should be interesting, intriguing, relevant, and appropriate to the novel's tone and style.

Translation: Your hook needs to catch the reader's attention so they won't toss your book aside. It needs to reveal either an action, setting, emotion, conflict, or character. It should give rise to more questions than it answers, like a seed of a giant oak tree. The story should start where the scenes become revelant to the plot. And last but not least, your hook should fit in with the rest of your story like a glove ^^

When we were learning about writing for proficiency exams, my 8th grade English teacher told our class to start with a W.A.D.I.W.I.

Where. Action. Dialogue. Introduce a character. Where. Interesting Comment.

So choose a line that puts an image in the reader's minds and a conflict or plot they'd want to follow. Make sure it's not cliche and make sure it's memorable.

With this hook, you seem to be trying to introduce a character. I'd suggest writing a more unique line and talk about what makes the character being spoken about unique. Something that would intrigue the reader and catch their attention. I'm sure there's something about the character that'll blow their tops off

I can see it beneath the knit [s]navy[/s] cap she wears on her head; not yet the color of snow, but rather a smoldering charcoal feeding a hungry blaze.

Good ^^ Your follow-up supports your hook and stretches out from that seed.

However, I would suggest removing "navy" from the sentence unless it's revelant to the story. You can mention that later, but I don't think it's really needed here.

Also, I the description of this lady's hair color is a bit confusing. I think you mean to say:

"not yet the color of snow, but rather, the shade of charcoal after feeding a smoldering blaze."

The shade you're going for is after the charcoal is burned, Forever ^^

“I usually eat my meals right here,” she tells me, bending down to adjust the knob on the battered white microwave she has seated on the pavement.

The word "on" is used a bit too much here. I'd suggest some rewording to:

"she tells me, bending down to adjust the knob of the battered, white microwave seated on the pavement."

It's redundant when you say "she has seated on the pavement."

Also, a comma after "battered" because you need a pause in the description.

She slams the door of it shut and watches as her lunch rotates round and round.

You might want to mention "of it" so the reader knows you're referring to the microwave. Also, rotating "around and around" seems more like a washing machine. Maybe something about the dish rotating in a circle?

“I’ve got this cooking machine. Had to come all the way down to this lot just to plug it in.” She slaps the metal box with her hand [s],which I notice is rough and calloused.[/s]

You already mention that the microwave is "battered," so the crossed out part isn't necessary. Also, I think you need her to slap the microwave after she says "I've got this cooking machine."
So:
"I've got this cooking machine." She slaps the metal box with her hand. "Had to come all the way down to this lot just to plug it in."

Embarrassed, I fold my [s]own[/s] hands behind my back.

If you say "my" you don't need to add "own" Don't worry, first drafts include a lot of redundant words, Forever. That's what second drafts are for xD

“That ol’ thing right over there,” she points to a rusty shopping cart loaded with plastic bottles, boxes and containers filled with the unknown. “I keep everything right in there.”

Since the "she points to a rusty shopping cart..." doesn't describe how the old lady says the previous line of dialogue, "she" should be capitalized.
So:
"That ol' thing right over there?" She points to a rusty shopping cart loaded with plastic bottles, boxes and containers filled with the unknown. "I keep everything right in there."

I nod obligingly, keeping my eyes away from her hands.

This needs to be on a line of its own ^^

Also, I'm not sure if "obligingly" is the right word.

Definition: helpful; willing to be helpful or do favors

Maybe change "eyes" to "gaze" because I took the word "eyes" literally.

I find myself staring again, I quickly avert my gaze.

You can combine this sentence easily:
"Finding myself staring yet again, I crane my head over my shoulder in search of a distraction."
You're being tell-y with your descriptions, but I'll address that in the end. You can say what you're trying to say through actions, Forever ^^

“That’s your dog,” I say, [s]distracting myself[/s]. “What’s his name?”

The punctuation should be:
"That's your dog," I say, "What's his name?"

And also, if you change the previous line to the one I suggested, you can delte the "distracting myself" part.

“

That ol’ rascal is George. He’s an ancient thing, just like me, but he’s got as much spirit as a newborn baby.” The shaggy Labrador she is pointing to wags *it’s tail.

Should be "its" not "it's" because that is "it is." Just a typo I'm sure ^^

It’s tongue dangles playfully from it’s mouth.

xD Forever, you're doing "it's" too much. I think you accidentally forgot about that.
"Its" okay

“He’s a fighter that boy, a real warrior.” She sits in the plastic lawn chair [s]she has[/s] propped against the wall. I notice that one leg is wrapped in duck tape.

Crossed out part is redundant, and from now on, anything crossed out is redundant. We'll leave it at that ^^

Also, comma after "fighter" and period after "boy." Make the next part its own sentence.

“Well,” she begins, breathing in the hot summer’s air.

I think you should move the words around here to:
"Well," she begins, breathing in summer's hot air.

She takes the time to exhale. “Tell me about yourself. Where you from?”

Expand a bit more on the description of this lady's habits. What makes her unique? A certain twinkle in her eyes? An odd mole? Strange T-shirt?

“Around here,” I reply tentatively. I was always told not to talk to strangers. But somehow, this seems different. “Just around the corner.”

You need to be less tell-y when it comes to the MC. You're telling all of her actions and not really painting a picture of her actions or appearance.

She nods vigorously. Her bottom lip juts out and she scratches her chin.

By "vigorously", you mean? Show us what makes the movement vigorous instead ^^

“Siblings?” she continues. The sun glares down [s]angrily[/s] on our backs.

Redundant, glares are usually "angry."

“Lucky thing.” A car races past us, music blares out from it’s speakers.

The car sentence should be on a line of its own. Also "its" not "it's."

I can feel the pulse beneath my feet as it vibrates against the hot cement.

More imagery when it comes to the heat ^^ Maybe comparing it to lava?

They’re worn and scuffed, one has a large, gaping hole.

Anything after" scuffeded" should have its own sentence.

I watch her sitting on the chair, calm, composed.

Semicolon after "chair" or a period to make the rest a new sentence.

I imagine what it must like.

I think you mean:
"I imagine what it must be like."

Just forgot a word there

“I’ve met a lot of people during my years on this earth.” She’s looking [s]somewhere,[/s] for something.

If you're looking somewhere, it's implied you'd be looking for something. Also, I'd suggest describing her movement. Maybe twisting her head around, wrinkles flapping, slow movement? Where is she looking to?

I see it in her eyes as she looks in the sky; she’s searching for answers.

Oh! So this is where the questions are answered ^^ I think you need to do something like this:
"She cocks her head up and I can see it in her eyes as she looks at the sky; she's searching for answers."

“I used to know Bobby-Rae Stewart, you know, that well-known country singer from a while back. He has a daughter. She’s famous,” I nod, looking back on the times I spent screaming her name in those many concerts I attended.

You said this is a vignette, yes? It's okay to use their real names because it's not really "published" here and you don't need permission just yet. You have the freedom of speech ^^ It says so in the Constitution. So you can use them here

Also, I think you need to be more clear on the nodding thing. Maybe have her nod and fold her arms so it seems more like the main character is actually the one saying it.

Suddenly, it seems foolish [s]when I remember it[/s] now.

You already say that she's remembering it, so you don't need to repeat yourself.

All that money; gone.

This would work better if you made them two separate sentences:
"Al that money. Gone."

“Amber, that’s it. Amber Elizabeth Stewart. She’s a pretty thing ain’t she, those long brown eyelashes. You look like *here I think. Heck, I bet you look even prettier.”

Another talking head, Forever *shakes head* Have the old lady move around or do some sort of action so we can see what she's doing.

And like I said, you can use the real names of the stars

* Not "here", but "her". Just a typo ^^

And also, you need a few commas, sompe periods, a question mark:
"Amber, that's it it. Amber Elizabeth Stewart. She's a pretty thing, ain't she? Those long, brown eyelashes? You look like her, I think. Heck, I bet you look even prettier."

I blush, embarrassed.

Maybe instead of the comma you add "from" because "blushing" usually means "embarrassed." So:
"I blush from embarrassment.

Suddenly those hours I spent in front of the mirror seem wasted and lost.

Comma after "suddenly.

Expand on exactly why she thinks those hours in front of the mirror seem "wasted" and "lost." If an adult were reading this, they wouldn't understand why. Not all of your readers are teenage girls, so you need to key them in

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned,” she recounts, still staring into the unknown. “It’s that if maybe I used my life better, did something important, something that mattered; maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

Your dialogue punctuation is a little funky in this part, so here's a link that JFW1415 wrote Dialogue Punctuation.

But basically, if the sentence continues in the second half of dialogue, you use a comma at the end like so:

"Hello, my name," she said, "is Marie Antoinette."

Also, you don't need the semicolon, just a comma:
"If there's one thing that I've learned," she recounts, still staring into the unknown, "it's that if maybe I used my life better, did something important, something that mattered, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today."

I added in "that" because I felt it was missing.

The wind blows gently, her wispy hair dances in the breeze.

Semicolon instead of a comma because it's related to the first part, but not necessarily the same idea.

“

I a-ah,” I stammer, standing awkwardly from my place on an upturned bucket. I brush off the backside of my jeans [s]with my hands[/s]. “I should be going, it’s getting pretty late. It’s nice to meet you Loraine.” Loraine smiles, a wide toothy simile.

Redundant, the crossed out part.
Comma before Loraine because it's a title/name.

Also, "Lorained smiles a wide toothy smile." Change "smiles" to "flashes" so it's not repetitive and make this a new line because it's not the MC doing this action.

She thrusts her hand out in front of her.

I don't feel like "thrusts" is the right word to use to describe a hand movement. Maybe "shoves"?

This is when I look at them; her hands.

You were in present tense earlier, so you need to change this up. You were also first person limited in the beginning, not you're first person omniscient. Change to:

"Now I look at them, at her hands. "

They’re burnt and chapped, skin peels off each palm. Each knobby finger is cracked from years of sun. Dirt and grime resides beneath each nail.

Again with the off-tenses, but it's okay ^^ Tenses are really tricky while writing first person xD That's why you save the worries for the editing phase. You should also combine all of these sentences using a semicolon.

"They're burnt and chapped, skin peeling off each palm; knobby fingers cracked from years of sun, dirt and grime resides beneath her nails."

I also changed out some of the "each"'s so there's less repetition.

I notice a scar on her wrist.

Lots of people have scars. What's unique about hers ?

“Nice to meet you too,” she replies.

Comma after "you."

The sun glows off of her rich, coffee-colored skin.

Sun can't really glow "off" something, but off of.

I shake her hand warmly.

By "warmly", you mean? Be more specific and show more then tell, Forever.

“Visit again sometime,” she continues, as I head for my old beat-up Toyota.

This should be on it's own line. Take out the comma after "continues" because it's not needed.

Also, where did her Toyota come from? You didn't mention anything about the car being nearby or about the MC's age. You didn't talk much about her appearance, either. So the char is kind of out of nowhere. Give the readers some clues about the MC just so they can see the image better.

I jam the keys into the side door and wriggle them around until I hear a familiar click.

This should be singular because you only need one key to unlock a car. Also, where do the keys come from? Just mention her sliding them out of her side pocket or something so they don't seem to come out of nowhere:
"I slide my key out of my pocket, jam it into the side door and wriggle it around until I hear the familiar click."

Italicize the sound

“Maybe stop by with your family?”

Another talking head. You need to give this its own line so you know that it's Loraine speaking.

I nod reassuringly, knowing [s]too[/s] well that I won’t.

Again, redundant.

Smiling weakly, I wave nonchalantly and open the car door.

I don't think you can smile weakly and wave while being nonchalant. You have to put some effort into that fake smile. Maybe saying "Smiling weakly as I wave, I open the car door."

“Come back soon!” she gets up from her lawn chair to wave good-bye.

You need to but this on its own line because it's a new line of dialogue for Loraine. Also, capitalized "She" because it's an action and doesn't describe the way she says her line of dialogue.

I can see it in her eyes; that feeling. It clings to me like a spider dangling from it’s web.

Good imagery on the second half ^^ However, I think you need to be more descriptive about this feeling. What exactly is it? Hope? Sorrow?

My phone rings now. I look at the tiny square screen on it’s cover.
Home.

Home should be on the same line. Having it as its own sentence is emphasis enough.

I ignore it. Instead, I close the door to my car and press down on the gas pedal.

Maybe just saying car door because the readers already know she's in a car, and leaving it as "door" just wouldn't be enough.

I speed past the sporting goods store, the gas station, and the library[s],[/s] until I reach the start of a tree-lined road.

Take out the comma after library" and add "and" before "the library" because it's last on the list.

I can see her now; Loraine.

Comma, not semicolon.

It all comes back: her indigent form, honest candor, her hands- all vividly fresh in my mind.

You're looking for an "em dash" so just do "--" without a spacing it between the words.

I drive down the street, not noticing the pressure of my foot weighing down [s]on[/s] the gas pedal

.
You alrady say "down", so "on" is not needed.

I pass each kempt neighborhood house until I reach a large ranch-style home with a chimney jutting out from *it’s roof.

*You need "its" which is possessive.

I see it again: Her face, her grimy fingers, her smile.

No need to capitalize the first "her."

I get out, slam the door behind me, and walk into the kitchen.

This is confusing and sounds like right when you enter the house, there's the kitchen. Mention that she gets into her house first.

In the next room, I hear my sister as she plunks [s]clumsily[/s] against the piano keys.

You don't need "clumsily" because that's what "plunks" is for"
"In the next room over, I hear my sister plunking down on the piano keys."
Also, I did some rewording since it's only the piano the MC hears. "Against" is more of a sideways type of thing, so I put "down" instead.

It sounds familiar, but I can’t remember the name.

Add "the song" or "the melody" so you have an object in which you are describing because it really didn't sound like the MC's sister was making any sort of "song."

I grab them, and without a word I head for my room at the other end of the house.

Comma after "word", Forever.

II. Imagery & Description
The main problem I saw with this piece was lack of description, lack of imagery. You describe certain things like Loraine very well, but not so much the actions, the objects, the surroundings, and the main character herself. In certain places, you do a lot of telling: "I do this" "She does that" and that sort of thing. You need to work on showing instead of telling so the reader will actually be able to see this world you're talking about.

Example:

Telling: The boy plays his fire-red Stratocaster really awesome.

Showing: The boy cradles his guitar like a lover, caressing his fingers across the strings.

In the first example, you can only hear what the writer is telling you, in the second one you can see what the writer is showing. Showing and telling is a really tricky subject, but once you get the hang of it and start thinking with good imagery, it'll become a habit ^^

Don't forget to use the five senses. What did it smell like? How did the air feel? She taste anything?

Imagery adds more dimension to the piece.

III. Setting
I didn't get much of an idea of a setting until the end. The surrounding world was blurry for me. I only saw the beach chair and the bucket. You need the paint the world around the characters using imagery, otherwise the story will be hazy for your readers. What exactly did the sky look like? Clouds clustering near the mountain peaks? A great ball of fire setting in the west? Tree branches fluttering with the wind? Bugs? Cars? Freeway?

Were they in a junkyard? A mobile home? I wasn't sure about where they were.

IV. From Point A to B

In a lot of cases, you were really choppy with how the characters got from point A to point B. For example, where did the Toyota come from? I thought they were in some sort of deserted area. How did the MC end up standing on a bucket? That wasn't mentioned in the beginning. Just be sure to expand in certain areas, but to not add too much information to a point where it's an info-dump.

V. Emotions & Feeling
You need to include more information on how the main character (MC) feels. How does she feel about Loraine? Pity? Sympathy? Disgust? Her actions may be contrary to her real feelings. Also, what exactly is this look in Loraine's eyes? Is it a glimmer of hope? Sadness? Depression? Joy? You need to be more clear on that so the reader can feel what the characters are feeling. This will add another dimension to your writing and will make it more realistic.

VI. Motivation
Your main character seems to be lacking motivation, or you didn't include it in this story. The readers are dying to know why she's there? Why is she talking to Loraine when she can be at home eating her cookies? What made her go there? She knows she's not supposed to talk to strangers. What sort of feeling or impulse? Did she even think about what she was risking?

Overall:

This was a really nice vignette ^^ Though it didn't have or need a plot, I found it easy to follow. It was unique and it didn't seem cliche the way you set up the story. Other than the points I mentioned previously, the only other problem I saw was the look in Loraine's eyes? The readers don't know what this look is? Innocence? Hope? How does that tie in with the title?

And another thing, the title. You may need to mention that in the story and work in there somehow. Maybe tie it in with the look in Loraine's eyes because they seem to relate.

Another interesting story you have here, Forever ^^ Your writing style is really captivating and one I haven't seen before. With just some touch ups on that setting and imagery, emotion and feeling, and the symbollism, this could be a very excellent vignette.

You seem to shine well with realistic fiction and your stories have something that a lot of stories are lacking today: meaning.

It has a moral, a point for being written rather than to just create fun characters or have an alter ego. Your writing ties in messages between the lines, which is why I think they seem to sparkle ^^

Right now, your writing is in ore form. Just a little bit of refining and the gem will be uncovered

PM me if you have any questions or if you want another review, Forever. I'd be glad to clarify or read others ^^

-Shina


P.S. I forgot! Some animal crackers for being a lovely teammate!



Enjoy them while they're fresh outta' the bag!