Hey, Love!


I think this song was rather nice, but since I do not know what type of music it's to be set to, I cannot really critique this.

However! I will definitely say that this read like a rhyming poem more than a song. I think this is because your lines were a bit long, with lots of syllables, which seems to present a challenge if this is to be sung.

And, this!

Because He already have my joy

I think have should be has, dear.

Nice work here, keep it up!

June

What type of music is this set to? And how fast are your stanzas sung?

Like June said, it's difficult to critique without proper information, but I will try my best.

Your verses are a little wordy, but if it works well with your beat then I guess it's not as big an issue. It's evident you worked hard on this and I commend you for the thought you put in, but for me it's a topic that's cliched.
However, it could definitely work (as many romantic songs do) if you try and fix your syllable count and grammatical issues.

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:Because He already have my joy


THe follwing junior year

.

Those are just basics that were most likely accidentally overlooked.

What I suggest for the rest of the song is for you to read it out loud to yourself, preferrably to a beat. This will help you recognize irregularities in rhythm, etc.
Also think about taking the song a different route. I know this might not be ideallic for you personally, but it may make the song a bit more interesting. Good job and keep writing (:

Nitpicks/Things to point out:

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:I feel like I'm losing
A part that I can't lose
I know that I'm losing

I didn't like this repetition of lose/losing here. Change some of the around so you don't have this. It will make it sound a little more interesting.

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:A stupid sophomore girl
A Perfect senior boy

This is like extremely nit-picky. Why is 'perfect' capitalized but 'stupid' isn't? Maybe a typo, I don't know

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:Because He already have my joy

This doesn't make sense. Change 'have' to 'has'.

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:The Ride up there is silent
We both hold back the tears
The world inside my head is violent
I'm stuck home two more years
I think of all the coming pain
As he unpacks his things
That is when he hands me
A Silver promise ring

I liked this, it was cute.

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:THe follwing junior year

'The following'

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:I want you to be my wife."

Woah. She's in high school and he's proposing to her? Cute concept, but a little odd...

LoveOnTheFringe wrote:I know that I'm gaining
A boy I'll always serve

This kind of makes it sound like she's going to become his maid.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
I thought this got a little rhymey/rhymey. A lot of it flowed really and the rhyme scheme sounded really nice, but other times it sounded a little forced. I think the places you didn't follow a strict rhyme scheme, it sounded more natural and cute.
Rhythm wise, I thought it flowed pretty nice. I couldn't hear the song playing in my head, to me it read more like a poem, but if you can hear the song in your head, awesome.

Topic/Overall:
I thought it was a really cute idea and you presented it really well. The only thing I have to say is maybe add another stanza about their relationship because it was like boy and girl, boy goes away to college and boy and girl love each other and they promise to stay true, boy proposed to girl. The step in the middle is missing, the part where they fall in love and start dating.
Overall, I thought it was a really cute song. Nice job

-Carly