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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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 Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:34 pm Post subject: if I were you, I'd run. |
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people are organisms whose actions constitute
unbroken connections to others who are really just
a large chemical blob of neurons and atoms colliding.
if I put you in a formaldehyde solution
would you gum up like a butterfly and shatter when I picked away
at your hard outside, or would you slowly come back to life
and break the silence everyone expects?
you keep placing displaced hatred at my heart
[it's always a little more to the northeast]
with your fists and your voice; there will always be something ugly
about the way you hold yourself in others' eyes because
they don't see you, only what they want to see in you.
you know this, though, and my explanations are useless
for such a cutter as yourself, because we are all blobs and
we are all spiraling into borderline personalities and identity crises,
and you know it because you are the cause. |
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Last edited by Incandescence on Sat Jul 23, 2005 1:51 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile
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| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 1:49 am Post subject: |
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| Hmm. Dark, but I like it. *laughs* I'm horrible at critiquing poetry. There's something about the last few lines though. I don't think it works for me. I don't know what it is that makes it seem off, but I think it's the way you separated it. The dashes lead into a somewhat bland and cliche line, which fades away. I don't know, it just doesn't work for me. The rest seems alright though. |
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Kay Kay
Mother to be
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| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 3:15 am Post subject: |
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I like it. Um I'm not too good at critting poetry either crysi so don't feel bad...I'm going to do the best i can. This part right here didn't seem to go very well with the rest of the poem:
you know this, though, and my explanations are useless
for such a cutter as yourself, because we are all blobs and
we are all spiraling into borderline personalities and identity crises,
and you know it because you are the cause.
Besides that i didn't see anything else to crit about. Hope i helped. |
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"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
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Liz
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| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 11:20 am Post subject: |
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I like this. There were some problems with the flow, in the last stanza and in the lines:
"about the way you hold yourself in others' eyes because
they don't see you, only what they want to see in you. "
Apart from that, nice idea, well-written. |
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faith
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| Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 2:56 am Post subject: |
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if I put you in a formaldehyde solution
would you gum up like a butterfly and shatter
a lovely metaphor...being more or less mine, originally. *grin* the rest wasn't too shabby either. Love the last stanza, you've gotten much better at ending poems with impact rather than letting them wash out and die feebly of consumption in Prague. haha. wow, shut me up. |
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