Topic ID: 3740
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Carmina
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 Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 4:53 am Post subject: Pulse |
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(I've never attempted narrative poetry, so if I dropped the ball, let me know where this belongs...and don't say the trash or I'll cry)
In the darkness,
I reached out to you
And rested my hand on your wrist.
I felt a pulse and wondered:
Is that your heartbeat?
Or mine?
Or both beating together,
One life?
Then you stirred in your sleep,
And rolled away from me.
That steady, singular rhythm
Was lost to me,
And I was alone again. |
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Ieatworms
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:11 am Post subject: |
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| No trash; no crying. |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 11:41 am Post subject: |
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I can't honestly tell if thsi belongs here, all my crap goes in other unless somebody tells me otherwise.
Overused is the pulse beating together thing, but:
Is that your heartbeat?
Or mine?
Or both beating together,
One life?
I think the third line would be a bit better off without the OR. that repition make ms just... well, think about it...
And to sum it up, I say what Ieatworms says  |
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Meshugenah
plays with squirrels
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| Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 7:47 pm Post subject: |
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I never know where to put my stuff, when and if I post it, so I'm not much help there.
Don't trash this.
I like the repetition of "or" personally.
What I find insteresting is how you managed to give this an almost sleep feeling, especially in the last 5 lines, even though I'm not overly fond of the last one. |
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Ceylon
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| Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Cool. Why do u want to trash that? |
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Starshine
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| Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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| I enjoy the rythem of it. The pulse is the basic rythem we can relate to with another person. No matter how two people are unalike, they both have a pulse. And that pulse makes them one. |
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