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This thread was created on July 24, 2005
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la favola bella
Topic ID: 3919
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Chanson
the milky bars are on me Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Mar 2005 Posts: 304 Reviews: 82 Country: dublin, ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 7:31 pm Post subject: la favola bella |
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already your face has become blurred.
a static image, faltering in my minds eye.
even as i write this, the shape of your mouth
is fading from my mind.
but your eyes remain clear, intact.
dark green circling a jagged brown.
reminding me of quiet forests
in foreign mountains,
the sound of twigs breaking underfoot,
streams trickling over heavy grey rocks.
knowing you for two hours
on a grey train speeding
through burnt italian countryside,
the hills rolling out like waves
towards a dying sun
that bathed the homeward journey in gold,
might not seem like an encounter
worth holding on to, worth
writing poetry about.
but i have never felt more
Perfect
as when you looked at me,
with an ochre halo of light
from the tuscan sun
shining behind your head
and the petal soft feel of your lips
burning against my mouth,
and told me i was beautiful. |
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emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum

Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 626 Reviews: 332
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:02 am Post subject: |
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| Description was very good in this. I thought the third stanza was a bit over the top, but that's just me. |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3017 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 392 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 10:56 am Post subject: |
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Nice imagery, but, like all of us, you need to take out excessive adjectives and look for redundancy (for instance, S1 has too many "mind" in it).
I particularly enjoyed the second strophe. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6290 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeh, there's a lot that could be cut down - but it was nice to read and think about. |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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| This thread was created on July 24, 2005 |
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