I've only reviewed the prologue so far, but here it is anyway. I'll continue soon. I have an exam on friday so I may not get any more up until the weekend.

I've used microsoft word's track changes feature to add comments and make modifications, so make sure you turn track changes on so you can see what I've done.

Wow, that was very good. Thanks. I'm revising now.

Done chapter 1.

As a general comment, I'd like to see a little more description. Not too much, because you'll lose the quick pace. This applies more to chapter 1 than the prologue. Look at my comments for individual nitpicks.

I'll try and get a couple more chapters done this weekend.

Thank you sir. I'll work on it.

But in the next one, would you mind including opinions of the story as well?

Chapter 2 & 3 done. There's some nice description happening in there, such as describing Xavier's wound. Yet there are some parts that don't have enough.

You wanted me to comment on the plot, so - It's developing well. I can see that there is a market for this sort of story. However, arguably more important than plot, are characters. You need to develop their individual personalities a little more. Everyone has their quirks.

As for the world - Just make sure you don't get Bridge to Terrabithia syndrome.

I don't know what that is. I only just made it up. Just make sure it's not like the movie Bridge to Terrabithia.

It isn't headed that way at the moment. As long as you keep it believable and mature, it won't contract this dreaded ailment.

And try and keep sentences a little shorter. You'll see some I've picked out to comment on, but I'm sure there's more spots where you could shorten them.

All right... double the chapters double the donation. Thank you very much. Just... (this was in the PM) what's Bridge to Terrabithia syndrome? I've seen the movie but it was years ago when it was first in theaters.

Bridge To Terabihia syndrome is a term I made up. It means where the fantasy world is so stupid you just go "yeah right." I found the movie laughably immature.

Anyway, as for chapters 4 and 5, try and moderate your usage of exclamation marks. If you emphasize everything you emphasize nothing.

Also try and develop your characters a little more. Show their emotions. The best way to show a character's personality is how they react to different situations. You tend to gloss over many situations. I commented on the part where they were lighting the fire, but you do it elsewhere too. You don't have to describe everything in detail as that would make it boring, but there's room for more detail at the moment.

Your story has been easy to read and follow. Grammar is genrally good, just watch those dashes and exclamation marks. There's a few too many.

Yeah... I had just added LOADS of stuff into it, wildlife basically. And getting rid of the "sacred lake" idea. There are lots of ideas that went in my first draft which I think are just... stupid.

And as for the good luck finding the stone... it's not THAT good of luck. Heh heh heh...

Thanks for the critique, you're helping me out a lot!

Oh yeah, and when you get to it, tell me what you think of Merenor. He's been sort of a hard character to do.

And as for the good luck finding the stone... it's not THAT good of luck. Heh heh heh...

So it turns out.

Chapters 6, 7 and 8 were very well done. Merenor brings a lot to the story, and you've developed his character well. My favourite bit is where he pushes Xavier in the dung

Merenor reminds me a lot of someone I know (who just happens to be called Xavier... Spooky). He's my favourite character now. You said making Merenor was hard work, but it sure has paid off.

Here. Sorry I didn't get any done yesterday. Lots of homework.

I'll be going on holiday on Saturday, and won't be back until the 25th of July, so don't expect anything then. I promise I'll finish reviewing when I get back though.

Just try to get as much done as you can before then. Thanks for this. I'll donate later since this computer I'm using now is incredibly slow.

Hi Merlin,

I’ve read up to chapter nine, so the best part of 14k, and I feel like I have a grasp on the story’s good and bad points so I’m going to stop here and write up my thoughts. I’m uploading the document with minor line edits, but my big-picture critique is right here.

Overall, I wasn’t especially hooked by this story. The prologue reads as if it could be powerful and compelling, but I found it was written in a distant, passive voice that kept me at arm’s length from the characters involved: I wasn’t allowed to see the characters’ emotional reactions, and since they didn’t feel anything, neither did I.

I found this problem was consistent throughout the story. The characters tend to react very rationally and unemotionally even to split-second chaotic crises, especially fight scenes. Example 1: the nameless boy’s fight near the door in the prologue. Example 2: Xavier’s fight against the guy with the knife in chapter 8. The narrative didn’t convey the fear, pain, confusion, impact, speed and chaos of a genuine fight. It seemed as if everyone had all the time in the world to think unemotionally about what to do next. I’d like to be drawn into these scenes, to feel the adrenalin and fear myself, but that first requires the characters to feel something.

Fight scenes aren’t the only places in which the characters had very weird emotional reactions. I often felt like the characters weren’t reacting in an authentic way to the often bizarre and scary situations they found themselves in. It felt to me as if the author was intruding -- you know that such-and-such weird thing is happening, so the characters accept it as fact, even if it really isn’t realistic at all to think that. I’ve noted these instances in the text, but just to bring up an example, after Xavier and Lily are sucked into the other world?

“Where do you think we are?” asked Xavier.
“I have no idea,” said Lily. “I don’t think teleportation’s been invented yet.”
“I’m thinking more of a portal to somewhere.”
“Somewhere,” said Lily. “That’s the main word. Where are we?”
“I have no idea. Whatever that thing was, it’s not anything from our world. Perhaps this is some kind of other world.”

If a person found themselves suddenly and inexplicably in a place they didn’t recognise, a place that couldn’t possibly be where they thought they were, would they really assume they’d gone through a portal into another world? Or would they assume:

• They hit their head and are now lying concussed in a hospital bed.
• They’re asleep dreaming.
• They’re daydreaming.
• They accidentally smoked the crazy weed.
• They stumbled into some kind of weird film set slash special effects bonanza.
• They’re being followed around by some kind of Candid Camera crew for public humiliation.

Anything is a more plausible and more realistic explanation than being transported through a portal into another world. Just because an explanation is true doesn’t mean that characters should leap to it as the first explanation.

I think this piece needs another pass to make the emotional story deeper and more authentic. As it is, I don’t feel that I know the characters, and I don’t trust their reactions.

The setting and world-building felt incoherent. It’s a medieval setting in which people wear armour and carry swords and bows. But there are written notices, so there must be cheap, plentiful paper and widespread literacy. There are posters, so the printing press must be invented. But people aren’t using even the most rudimentary guns, and the best form of transport available to the main characters seems to be walking. I was left with the feeling that you weren’t certain exactly what technology level you were using or which era of history you were drawing from as inspiration.

I did enjoy some of the more inventive world-building details, such as the dragonfly in harness.

I found the fighting scenes a little unrealistic. For example, you depicted a bow as an accurate precision weapon, at range, from horseback, at night, such that a single arrow hit within inches. This is one freakishly lucky archer. The bow is just not that accurate in these conditions. Historically, the most efficient use of bows is as a saturation weapon, loosing thousands of arrows at a time. Also, Xavier seems to be unrealistically confident and skilled with a weapon he’s never seen before in his life (the shortsword) to the point where he actually kills an adult man with a knife. I don’t understand how he manages to pull this stuff off. Again, I wonder if this is a lack of research.

I felt like possible conflicts were consistently resolved by deus ex machinae:

- The main characters are dumped penniless and clueless into the alternate world. But don’t worry! A random NPC is there to fix everything.
- They don’t have money for supplies. But don’t worry! Lily has somehow coincidentally stumbled across an incredibly valuable and plot-relevant gem to pay for things.
- Xavier needs to save her but doesn’t have a clue how. But don’t worry! The lizard wants to help him for no reason which is ever explained.
- Xavier doesn’t have food. But don’t worry! The lizard makes dead rabbits rain from the sky, or however they turn up. The lizard even knows how to skin and gut it, even though the rabbit is presumably about ten times his size.
- Xavier is attacked by a wolf. But don’t worry! Merenor can fix that.
- Xavier is attacked by Maizion. But don’t worry! Merenor knows what to do.
- Xavier is trapped on a rooftop. But don’t worry! Merenor makes a flock of other deus ex machinae appear from nowhere to save him.

Do you see what I mean? I’m struggling to think of conflicts which the main characters resolved themselves, by being smart or brave or resourceful. Everything seems to be fixed for them by third parties. Merenor is especially bad in this respect: he takes care of everything, so Xavier is just tagging along for the ride.

I would really like to see the main characters step up, take charge and start handling their own problems. If I could see Xavier taking care of problems like not having food or being trapped on a rooftop, I’d respect him a lot more, and I’d gain more of an impression of his personality through the choices that he makes.

At the end of the prologue, the boy and the lizard talk about needing a hero. As a reader, I also need a hero to root for. I’m considerably more interested in Merenor than in Xavier at this point, because Merenor is the only hero here -- and he’s so capable of doing everything himself that he’s stopping Xavier from being a hero in his own right.

Revision suggestions:
1. Edit to increase logical, sympathetic emotional reactions.
2. Research your era of inspiration and apply this research to create a more coherent world.
3. Make your fight scenes realistically reflect the fact that Xavier would die in 0.2 seconds in a straight fight (and should thus avoid straight fights).
4. Allow the hero to be the hero.

Okay, I’m knackered, but I’m done. I hope this was helpful to you. Take what’s useful and discard the rest.

Karsten

TThanks for the critique. I have added in a lot more emotion, but I always just seem to have trouble with things like that. I think that I should also add a few reasons for Merenor (why he's helping Xavier), and maybe Merenor could just tell Xavier that he could hunt for him, but would probably just come back with some grasshoppers.

Merlin34 wrote:TThanks for the critique. I have added in a lot more emotion, but I always just seem to have trouble with things like that. I think that I should also add a few reasons for Merenor (why he's helping Xavier), and maybe Merenor could just tell Xavier that he could hunt for him, but would probably just come back with some grasshoppers.

I would think about what skills and qualities Xavier has that he could use to provide for himself. This would lessen his dependence on a stronger character and make him appear more independent and capable. Two quick examples:

* Xavier presumably can read and write. Like I said, I'm not too sure about the tech level of your setting, but it seems to me that this might be a valuable skill. How to use this: He could work for money or food.

* As a child of the 21st century, Xavier has a far better understanding of medicine and disease than medieval physicians could possibly hope for. He can save people's lives simply by telling everyone to wash their hands all the time. If he's ever studied Joseph Lister, he could totally revolutionise surgery. How to use this: He could tell the NPC, whose name I've forgotten, to observe basic hygiene precautions before treating the injury to his leg. (I wish I could figure out how to monetise this skill.)

Seems to me that Xavier has lots of strengths he could use, if you let him.