Young Writers Society

I stood still as a statue. My nose pressed against the cold, glass above the bed; stretching on my tip toes to see outside. In front of me lightening lit up the sky like the fireworks we used to light on the 4th.
Thunder shook the glass as I watched. My nose stuck as if by glue, not moving. Smears appeared on the glass as my breath kissed the clear wall. It stood between me and where I needed to be. I needed to be with Louis; not here listening to the air condition cutting in and out as the power came and went.
I looked at the trees that swayed with the wind a story below me. I sighed and unstuck my squished nose. I would never be able to go down there. Matt and Lila would never allow me to leave. Louis just got lucky he wasn’t caught.
My bare feet thumped on the cold wood floor as I jumped down from the top of the headboard I’d used as a stair. Lila would have heard, I knew, but I didn’t bother rushing back to my bed. She was bound to catch me one day anyway, why care if it’s now. There was no sound down below me. I was surprised as I leisurely pulled back the sheets.
Thunder, only one kid, I could only imagine what they were doing in their room. What did I care I’m not even their kid. Neither was Louis but it changed nothing. Anytime someone asked Lila and Matt said we were theirs; it didn’t matter they were a little young to have a fourteen and sixteen year old. They didn’t care that we called them by their names not Mom and Dad, we were theirs.
Glass shook, thunder crashed, and the dogs barked. Lila’s voice was first I could hear her yell at them to be quiet, then I heard Matt’s gentle voice calming them. The dogs, Felicity and Jorja hadn’t been the same since their favorite human left. Louis loved them and cared for them even better than Matt, their master. They missed him, you could see it in their eyes and I could hear it when they barked at the thunder; they wanted to protect him.
I picked up my ipod and pressed the play button. It was the only thing that could get me to sleep now. I listened to his singing; he would have been wonderful. Piano played, I could imagine his hands gliding on the black and white keys, and his voice blended with the notes in perfect harmony.


My ipod was still on when I woke up. On its tiny screen I could see the time in little black digits.
Things were clinking around in the kitchen below. Lila was definitely up. I prepared myself as I got ready for church. I took my time; smoothing my white skirt and carefully choosing a blouse to wear. Lila would disapprove, I thought looking in my mirror at myself; my short white skirt and low cut shirt clearly against her rules. But I could care less. I took one last look at my reflection as I walked out of my room to the stairs.
I could smell strawberry pancakes, mine and Louis’s favorite. Lila was standing at the stove, flipping the round circles, in her apron. She was being careful not to get pancake batter on her blue flowered dress; the white and black flowers traveled up her like vines.
I intentionally hit the side of the doorway, causing her to turn around. She smiled, and muttered a hello, then her eyes traveled down passed my face. Her smile faded.
“Go, change, Hailey. Now. We don’t have time for this.” Lila said turning back to the pancakes. I didn’t move from my spot, I could hear Matt enter through the side door. I knew he would side with Lila on this one. I sighed. I didn’t want anymore lectures about how I was trying to cause problems. I gave in and went back to my room.
I dug through my closet to find another shirt; I wasn’t going to change my skirt, Lila would just have to deal. I pulled my favorite blue shirt over my head and smoothed my hair back into place. Then I slid on my silver flats and walked back to the kitchen.
Matt and Lila were already sitting down at the table, picking pancakes off the ceramic plate in the middle of the table. Felicity and Jorja were stretched out under their chair hoping to get a crumb. I pulled back my chair and pushed Jorja out of my way, sitting down. A plate was already in front of me waiting to be filled with pancakes.
“Hailey, are you ready to go to church?” Matt asked, I looked at him. He still wore his pajamas. I could tell he wasn’t ready, but Lila was. So we were definitely going today.
“Yes, finally,” I said looking at Lila and then back to Matt. She must not have told him. Although I couldn’t imagine why not.
I finished my breakfast in silence. It seemed silence was better than talking. Matt and Lila seemed to agree. Hunting down my bible was not as silent as breakfast. Lila had told me before to keep up with it. I just couldn’t find it. When I asked her if I could use Louis’s I knew it was a mistake. Lila went off.
“God, Hailey no. Don’t even think about going to get it from his room.” She was on the verge of tears; I hated it when she did this. She went insane every time I even mention his name.

Peanutpeanutpeanut, lucky you were in chat so I could spot this need of a story review! ^_^

---

I stood still as a statue. My nose pressed against the cold, glass above the bed; stretching on my tip toes to see outside.

- You don't need a comment after cold, because it's just a single adjective describing the noun, which is glass. If you're using multiple adjectives, then a comma is required. For example, if you had said: "the long, cold glass"
- Also, that semi-colon should be a comma.

In front of me lightening lit up the sky like the fireworks we used to light on the 4th.

It's weird, seeing "lightening lit", because light is the root of the word lightening, so you expect it to light something up. I think you need to find another word besides lit, one that isn't so obvious, isn't actually a root of the word you just used.

but I didn’t bother rushing back to my bed. She was bound to catch me one day anyway, why care if it’s now

You ask a question at the end, so I feel you should separate the sentence from the question, like this: "She was bound to catch me one day, anyway. Why care if it's now?" Or even if you keep those sentences together, kee a question mark at the end.

What did I care I’m not even their kid.

Again, I think there should be a question mark in there. It's a little bit more confusing, to have this as a statement rather than the question it is.

then her eyes traveled down passed my face. Her smile faded

"Passed" doesn't have to be past tense like that.

“Go, change, Hailey. Now. We don’t have time for this.” Lila said turning back to the pancakes.

There's a tricky thing with dialogue here that took me forever to learn because I guess I'm not that observant, but now that I DO know, I'll explain it! When you end a dialogue with quotations, and continue it with a dialogue tag like "he/she said", then the end of the quotation is technically not the end of the sentence, and the dialogue tag continues the sentence. Therefore, when you end dialogue, you should use a comma, rather than a period. So correctly, the sentence would be like this: "We don't have time for this," Lila said, turning back to the pancakes. And if you had said "she said" instead, then the she would not be capitalized. "for this," she said.

---

I think this is real solid writing, Peanut! At this point, I feel like I don't really know Hailey too well yet -- what she really thinks about her situation. However, she hasn't really done much yet. She's only changed her outfit for church, and it's obvious she has a strained relationship with this mother figure. I can see you're going somewhere with this, but you're not there yet, concerning the "he" you bring up at the end but don't explain yet, so I don't feel I can really comment on the plot yet. Perhaps, with Hailey, give her a few more thoughts going on in her head at the beginning about how she feels.

Post/write more! ^_^

PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

Hey Sarah! Review time. Plus, I’m sort of trying to keep up with June so power review.

In front of me lightening lit up the sky like the fireworks we used to light on the 4th.

Put a comma after “me.”

Thunder, only one kid, I could only imagine what they were doing in their room.

To be honest, I have no idea what’s going on in this sentence. Try rewriting it so you can put the meaning across more understandably.

What did I care I’m not even their kid.

I would recommend a semicolon after ‘care.’

Anytime someone asked Lila and Matt said we were theirs;

Put a comma after “asked.”

it didn’t matter they were a little young to have a fourteen and sixteen year old.

“…and a sixteen…”

They didn’t care that we called them by their names not Mom and Dad, we were theirs.

First of all, place a comma after names and turn the comma after Dad.

She went insane every time I even mention his name.

This isn’t the most powerful ending. Something seems to be missing. I’m not sure, maybe it’s a lack of emotion or maybe it’s just the wrong way to end this section…I’m not sure.

Otherwise, just remember to keep an eye out for comma usage and remember to add them. If you pause there when you read the story, there should be a comma there.

~lilymoore

Hello, I think I found a couple of other little tweaks...

In front of me lightening lit up the sky

lightening ---> lightning

Also, as someone else mentioned, I thought it was a bit awkward to read 'lightning lit'.

Louis just got lucky he wasn’t caught

I think there should be a comma after 'lucky'.

Thunder, only one kid, I could only imagine what they were doing in their room. What did I care I’m not even their kid.

I picked up on the use of 'kid' twice within a couple of sentences. It would sound better if you changed one of them, or dropped the last one and finished with 'I'm not even theirs'.

And again, as someone said, I had to read that first sentence a few times over to understand what you meant, it could probably do with rephrasing.

Lila’s voice was first I could hear her yell at them to be quiet, then I heard Matt’s gentle voice calming them.

There should be a comma after 'Lila's voice was first', and once again I think it read a little awkwardly because of the repetition of 'voice'.

“Yes, finally,” I said looking at Lila and then back to Matt. She must not have told him. Although I couldn’t imagine why not.

In this part, I'm not sure that any of the bit after 'and then back to Matt.' is really necessary...


Other than that, I think the writing was good. Though I still don't have much of an insight into Hailey herself, or what has gone on in the past. The ending was a little abrubt too, perhaps you need to flesh it out a bit?