Thank you for the terrific reviews of: lilymoore,TL G-Wooster, Bickazer and mikedb1492.

Down for editing.

Hey Esme, saw that part two was up and was like, Whahoo!, something fun to read. And I’m guessing you did split it into parts, at least I’m assuming that’s what 2A means. I’ll have to be informed when 2B comes around. Deal.

Rinnie had assumed the post of over two years ago…

I really don’t think you want ‘of’ in here. The sentence doesn’t make much sense because of it, unless I’m reading it wrong. If that’s the case, go ahead and kick me.


Characters
Okay, so to be honest, I keep getting so confused as to who is who throughout the story. I think one reason is that not a lot of emphasis is placed on the individuals of each character and well…those are some confusing names. And too be honest, I don’t know how to help you there.

In clear blue eyes there was fear, panic as she stared at the letter as if it contained the very mystery of existence, as if it held all possible answers – why the sky was blue, the grass green. And it did, she knew it did: it would answer whether she would marry and go overseas or not, if she could see Nikalas and live at the Kalagat or stay her at Hastavat and go nowhere at all. Her whole future was in that letter, and she thought she might faint.

This section, however, is one that makes Anat stand out so strongly because there is a lot of sudden emotion in here. Me like.

Not only that but you have the personalities down. I think the only real problem I have is that, well, I don’t know what any of the characters even closely look like. I’m not begging for you to spend pages and pages describing one character, but something as simple as “fair hair” “round face” or “olive skin” would be nice.

The thing is, the idea here is good and so is the character reaction which is fitting for the situation.

I really don’t have much to say other then what I’ve said and that I’m trying really hard to understand the dynamics of this story. Because of the fact that it’s in an unusual setting for me with terms I don’t quite know, it’s a bit of a challenge for me. But I do really enjoy reading it and I hope there’s more.

Lily,

Thank you for the posted thoughtful comments. Again, the minor changes will be made immediately, while the rest I’m copying to a separate folder – at around chapter 5, I’ll go back and edit through all of them.

Hordes of characters, I know. Messes with one’s head. I don’t know how I’ll resolve that particular problem yet, but I’ll do it. Somehow. In Chapter One I’ll be extending the Valkarad homecoming scene not in terms of character development or anything like that, but back-story. That’ll happen in di Ariont’s, too, and maybe it will clear up some things. My biggest fear was info dumps, but maybe I withheld too much, making everything confusing.

Appearance – valid point. I’ll be adding a portrait of her for di Ariont to look at, and she’ll be an ugly duckling. And then I’ll add those description phrases throughout Chapter Two – although this will be the last we’ll see of Isabal for a long, long time.

Back to character mess. In the next chapter all of the previous characters will be in one place, at the Kalagat (unfamiliar term, is in the edits section: Imperial residence, so where di Ariont was). So, Anat, Rinnie, di Ariont, translator (whose role in the edits considerably becomes larger), the Emperor. So maybe that will also clear things up, but that will be a bit late. So edits before still stand.

2B will be basically about Anat’s insecurities and the move to the Kalagat – I might add an interaction with her brother. But I’m rambling. Lily! Thanks for reading, I so much appreciate it. Your comments are very, very helpful, and if you would like the favor returned, please PM me with a link, yes?

Esme

O hai.

The summons from the Kalagat came in the middle of a morning, sun peeking from behind clouds, but much like an owl seeking out her prey in complete darkness, so Lady Arianna Isina swooped down onto the unfortunate messenger.

This is a long opening sentence. I’d split in half so it’s easier for the first mouthful. Also, I think “came in the middle of the morning” sounds better, more definite so we realise that it is THIS morning, not some random one.

Now, needles poised in hand, they looked at each other every bit as incredulously as earlier. Hastavat Castle, it had seemed, was at the very end of the world – but that was before the messengers, three physician tasked with examining the health of Her Imperial Highness and a painter commissioned to paint her in the best possible light.

Physician = physicians

Like this sentence, nice and smooth. ^^

“Rinnie!” shrieked the elder of the two, recovering first.

“Shrieked” seems a little extreme. Maybe “cried” would be better? If it’s fitting with her character, though, then leave it. =)

Isabal leaned forward only slightly, but hands clutching the arms of her chair where white, knuckles strained.

“Leaned forward only slightly” sounds rather strange.
You should have it as “the hands clutching…”
Where = were

If it was me, I’d change the first action to something more definite. Like, “Isabal’s face was calm, but the hands clutching the arms of her chair were white, the knuckles strained.” Though can knuckles be strained?


[uote]A stricken expression continued to paint Rinnie’s face, but she collected herself quickly.[/quote]

Clunky wording. And I’m getting kind of confused with who’s who. I thought there were three – the governess who took the message, the princess who’s going to be married and the governess’ daughter who’s sewing with the princess. Now I’m all muddled.

With a sharp, authoritative voice she commanded Her Imperial Highness to settle down, told both girls there would have to be silence for her to ever read the letter, and that in the meantime they should return to their needlework if they did not wish to continue embroidering until supper.

Very tell-y. “She commanded Her Imperial Highness…” works fine, or add in an action and have it something like, “Straightening her shoulders, she sharply commanded Her Imperial Highness…” Or stuff.

They complied, Isabal with silent resignation and a sullen look from Anat, hiding a flicker of something other than defiance of a ten year old child ordered to do something she would rather not.

Confuuuuuuused. I thought that Isabal was the princess, but then she was the one who read the letter, and as we’re told she’s getting married, I immediately picture a teenage girl, more like fifteen or sixteen. Though I get how she could be younger, depending on the type of society she’s in.

In clear blue eyes there was fear, panic as she stared at the letter as if it contained the very mystery of existence, as if it held all possible answers – why the sky was blue, the grass green. And it did, she knew it did: it would answer whether she would marry and go overseas or not, if she could see Nikalas and live at the Kalagat or stay her at Hastavat and go nowhere at all. Her whole future was in that letter, and she thought she might faint.

So how old IS she? This makes her seem older and more responsible.

“What if it says – what if it says …” Her voice broke. “… that I can’t – cannot go…” She grabbed Isabel’s hand and held on so strongly that the latter winced in pain.

But-but-but! I thought it was Isabal doing the talking! Oh, and here you spell her name as “Isabel”. Is it meant to be Isabel, or is this a one-off typo?


----

Wait, is this part 2? *dumb* That might be why I'm confused? If it isn't, then sorry, but this was mega-confuzzling. At first it seemed that there were three people: governess, two girls. The governess was reading a letter, the princess and the governess' daughter were listening, but then it seemed that there were more people and more names and nicknames. ><

That aside, it was enjoyable and easy to read, just worded a little stiffly at times. Thinking it over, I suppose you could add in more description as there's very little apart from at the begining, but as I didn't notice that the first time round, it may not be that important. Your dialogue was very well done: natural and easy and realistic.

*stars*

Thank you for the review!

There are three character: the governess (Lady Arianna, also known as “Rinnie” by Anat), Anat (alternatively called Her Imperial Highness – she’s ten years old) and Isabal (“Isabel” was a typo). But, do you think if I cleared that “Rinnie” is a nickname, it will be better? Or should I add this to the major makeovers? For me it’s hard to be objective as I know who everyone, and apparently that’s proving to be a problem.

Well, that was the major issue – those smaller corrections will be cleared up now. Again, thanks for the review (of, ah, part one of chapter two)!

Esme

It's me again, back with more nitpicking. Promise I won't be too harsh, though.

The summons from the Kalagat came in the middle of the morning, sun peeking from behind clouds, but much like an owl seeking out her prey in complete darkness, so Lady Arianna Isina swooped down onto the unfortunate messenger.

Wow, this is one mouthful of a sentence. I feel you should split it into two because I had to read this several times to make sense of it.

She took in every detail of his unsatisfactory appearance – dusty apparel, more than a whiff of horse and human sweat. With a haughty raise of an eyebrow she acknowledged his stammering explanation that the letter was to be delivered to her hands, and hers only; then she sent him on his way. Only when he left did she fall limply to her armchair, one hand clutching the missive with a drowning man’s last grip, the other pressed against her forehead.

Once more, you demonstrate the remarkable ability to characterize by showing instead of telling. This paragraph already gives me an excellent idea of what kind of person Lady Arinna Isina is without outright saying that she's haughty and weary and fond of neatness. Great job.

Another such messenger had arrived barely a fortnight ago, stating that Her Imperial Highness was to learn to speak Meriadossan, write Meriadossan and dance Meriadossan dances: that she would marry a Meriadossan prince.

So I take one of the girls is the princess? By the way, I like the repetition of "Meriadossan"; it realy helps underscore the point.

but that was before the messengers, three physicians tasked with examining the health of Her Imperial Highness and a painter commissioned to paint her in the best possible light.

It's just me, but I feel that this would be better phrased as "but that was before the messengers came, then three physicians etc, then a painter etc."

Looking up from a messy array of lopsided stitching, Her Imperial Highness Anat Halan Palealias pushed it off her lap, scrambled to her feet and attempted to pry the letter from her governess’s hands.

Is Anat the eldest or youngest sister? *confused*

Is it the Kalagat? It’s the Kalagat, isn’t it?

Kalagat? O_o

Isabal leaned forward only slightly, but hands clutching the arms of her chair were white.

Wai-ait...who's Isabal?

A stricken expression continued to paint Rinnie’s face

I dunno, I'm not too fond of this description...it feels a bit clunky. But I don't know how to fix it...>_>

With a sharp, authoritative voice she commanded Her Imperial Highness to settle down, told both girls there would have to be silence for her to ever read the letter, and that in the meantime they should return to their needlework if they did not wish to continue embroidering until supper.

Ha, again a nice image of the governess's character. So I take Rinnie is Lady Arianna?

In clear blue eyes there was fear, panic as she stared at the letter as if it contained the very mystery of existence, as if it held all possible answers – why the sky was blue, the grass green.

This feels a tad...schmaltzy, although I can see why a child would think this way, especially one who may or may not be getting married.

Her whole future was in that letter, and she thought she might faint.

The two thoughts don't connect so well. I think you need a different conjunction than "and", or maybe replace the comma with a semicolon and get rid of the "and".

“What if it says – what if it says …” Her voice broke. “… that I can’t – cannot go…” She grabbed Isabal’s hand and held on so strongly that the latter winced in pain. Without thinking Anat mirrored her governess, raising the other to her forehead – little shimmering droplets of sweat appeared on her skin, and blood rushed to her cheeks. “I’ll die, Rinnie, surely I’ll die!”

Okay, so Anat is the one getting married...so I take she's the older one. I'm not sure if I quite like the way she's speaking, as it seems overly formal, but I suppose it makes sense for a princess reared in a very formal manner or whatnot.

The governess looked into starved eyes, hungry eyes, desperately seeking any for the slightest sign that she was wanted at her father’s court.

Whose father's?

before she had been moved to Hastavat Castle suddenly and abruptly

"Suddenly" and "abruptly" mean the same thing; get rid of one. I'd suggest using "abruptly" as it's less cliche than "suddenly".

Two years, two years of walking through the gallery times counted in hundreds.

????

So many months of gazing at portraits, never touching, living on memories and then dreams when those first began to slip away.

Oh, I kind of see what the above sentence is going. Ah, this is a very touching way to display a child's homesickness, especially in a society that doesn't have email and telephone technology. Portraits would be Anat's only connection to her family.

And then Rinnie looked at her eight year old daughter, who was old enough to understand her situation and understand what summons to the Kalagat would mean – that she, Isabal, would have to stay at Hastavat Castle while her mother went with Her Imperial Highness. Two little girls, each wishing, praying for something completely different with all their heart: one letter.

Oh, all right, I understand now who these characters are and their relationship to one another. It really shouldn't take this long, though; clarify that earlier on, please? So Anat and Isabal aren't related...

I like how heartfelt this paragraph is, without being over-the-top. I really do feel sorry for both girls, because no matter what happens one of them is going to be disappointed. Wonderful way to connect the reader to your characters. The last sentence is particularly heart-rendering. I get the feeling it's Isabal who's going to be disappointed, though...

“His Imperial Majesty, may he live forever, wishes for his daughter to attend him in a month’s time.”

Ah, I was right.

“Will Nikalas be there, Rinnie, do you think?”

I thought his name was spelled with an "o".

. Her next words were spoken in a rush; when left breathless, she sucked in air audibly and continued as rapidly as she began. “How long shall we stay? Did His Imperial Majesty, may he live forever and ever - did he really say that he wishes for me to attend him? Did he say he wants to see me, really? Did he write the letter? Should I write back? Oh Rinnie!”

Ha ha ha. Nice example of Rinnie's character, seems very realistic for a ten-year-old. Again, you're doing a marvelous job building your characters by showing instead of telling.

Out of the corner of her eye, Rinnie saw her daughter flinch as if struck, crumpling within herself.

Oh, poor Isabal... *feels bad* It's a very effective sentence; simple yet evocative.

“The letter was not written by His Imperial Majesty’s hand, may he live forever-”

I don't know why I'm so amused by how everyone adds "may he live forever" after the Emperor's name. ~_^

She looked at Isabal, whose hand she was still holding, and let go.

Oh...that seems rather callous. Shouldn't she know that her best friend is disappointed.

“One daughter?” Isabal asked calmly when Anat left. Her hands were folded neatly on her lap, and she did not move when her mother hugged her. Their tears mixed together, cheek against cheek, and Rinnie nodded with a heavy heart.

Oh, that's...that's heartbreaking. Poor Isabal...

Overall thoughts--

I liked this somewhat better than the first part, in part because it's more character centric than political. Again, you show your talent for characterization--showing how Anat is an excitable child, Isabal is more sensitive, Rinnie is strict but caring, etcetera. None of them, admittedly, are as cool as di Ariont, but that's just my bias speaking. >_> I really liked it near the end, when it got so emotional: I can understand both children's feelings exactly in part because (this is so...ridiculous, but...) I have an older twin sister of my own, and we've always done things together. There are plenty of times when she's gotten to do something I couldn't, and vice versa. So I know both sides of it, how Anat is joyous, while Isabal is utterly disappointed. At the same time, though, I feel maybe you should make Anat feel a little bit regretful that she'll be leaving her best friend behind...

Admittedly, I was a bit confused at the beginning about who was who--it was only until that paragraph I pointed out that I realized who the characters were and their relation with one another. You might want to explain who they all are and suchlike earlier, so the reader isn't so confused at first. It wasn't nearly as confusing as the first part of the first chapter was, though.

I don't really have anything specific to note prose-wise, besides that monstrous first paragraph. I feel the prose in this chapter is slightly more stilted than it was in the di Ariont portion of the first chapter, though that might be just the viewpoint becoming omniscient again.

I'm looking forward for more (and maybe...some explanation on all the politics stuff!). How is Anat going to find life at the court, and her upcoming marriage (I mean, she's only...ten)? Is she going to meet the Viscount from the first chapter (they are the same age...)? I figure that's a good sign if any: I want to read more.

The best of luck on your endeavors.

Hey Mesme, how's it going? I didn't read the other reviews so pardon any repeating on my part.

The summons from the Kalagat came in the middle of the morning, sun peeking from behind clouds, but much like an owl seeking out her prey in complete darkness, so Lady Arianna Isina swooped down onto the unfortunate messenger.

This sentence is a little long. Not so much that it's a total run on, but it would still feel better if you started a new sentence with "But". I also personally like the pause it adds.

With a sharp, authoritative voice she commanded Her Imperial Highness to settle down, told both girls there would have to be silence for her to ever read the letter, and that in the meantime they should return to their needlework if they did not wish to continue embroidering until supper.

This just feels like you're trying to put too much information into one sentence when it's unnecessary. This part would actually fare far better if you had this entire part in dialogue.

and live at the Kalagat or stay her at Hastavat

"Here" not "her".

Like last time, this was another good piece of writing. I personally found the previous of... a higher quality you could say, but that may have been because of the more interesting scenery (the sea of rats and such). This, however, was still good. The only problem I have with these Meriadossa (great name for the story/country by the way. It really drew me in) pieces is that I'm having trouble with all the characters that are being introduced. It's hard for me to tell who is who in your story. I can tell each character has their own distinct personality, but the names just don't stay with them. To counteract this, you'll need to take more time to describe each person and make sure the name sticks to the character.

Well that's all I've got for you for now. It was a good read, and I wish you luck with the rest of this.

Part B is up, so I’m bumping the thread.
Chapter One is being revised - taken off for now.

Yay, there's more!

Anyway, you know the drill. Time for more nitpicking.

Over the next month, arrangements for the move to the Kalagat were being made.

Is this passive voice I detect? Who is making these arrangements?

Servants scurried to and fro, packing and repacking in the final stages

"in the final stages"? I don't quite understand. =/

, and in the meantime Her Imperial Highness went from one extreme to the other: laughing out in sheer joy, then bursting into tears, saying she won’t be allowed to go anywhere again, like last time, and the time before that.

This is a very realistic reaction for a young girl whose life is about to change. Still, I feel there are problems with this sentence. It's a tad long, and also I don't believe "laughing out" is standard English (do you mean "out loud"). And you changed tenses here; the "won't" will be "wouldn't.

I also had to read twice to understand what the "last time and time before that" part was; you might want to clarify and say something more specific, like Anat wasn't allowed to go the places she wanted the previous time she went.

Dipping into the more miserable moods she would hide in her chambers and refuse to go out for hours at a time, rejecting food and wailing and crying that she wasn’t as smart as Isabal, or as beautiful, and that the Emperor, may he live forever and ever, will not like or love her, and that surely she would be sent back to Hastavat Castle

Tense change, "Would", not "will". I do like this sentence though; the long, rambling quality helps show Anat's nervousness. It's cute and genuine.

She would respond neither to Rinnie’s soothing or Isabal’s unusually decisive counterarguments

"Unusuall decisive counterarguments"? I'm confused.

only to suddenly leave her rooms with an off-key song on her lips, laughing at nothing at all.

I think this is a bit much. Now it's starting to sound like Anat's going crazy, not that she just has nerves.

Anat would then plunge into a joyous mood, chattering constantly, telling everyone who would listen – housemaids, the horsemaster, Rinnie, Cook – that she would be dancing before His Imperial Majesty and the Meriadosssan ambassador; that she would meet her brother, who looked like Nav the stable boy, but who was, of course, His Imperial Highness, not a stable boy.

I feel a semicolon would work better than a comma here.

for liquid gold impossible to remain at odds with

I don't quite understand this.

no matter what she mischief she might have been up to

I think you have an extra "she" in here.

much to Anat’s distress had clearly ceased doing so to Lady Arianna Isina.

Yikes, I really don't get what this sentence means. It doesn't even seem to work out as proper English. O_o I get the feeling a typo is involved, somewhere.

and with owls hooting about

Owls hooting about? This seems rather random.

. Even her marriage prospects, a distant Meriadossan prince, was reduced to just that – distant, then absent after the initial excitement.

I have a vague idea what you're trying to say, but I feel it could be conveyed much more clearly.

in a last desperate attempt Anat had been given a diary, which promptly disappeared and was not to be seen again.

Ah! Nice way to connect this to the first chapter. Di Ariont has Anat's diary, no?

. But end them Anat would, whether it be by sending Rinnie into vapors with her sullenness or sweet-talk her into postponing whatever they were to do, leaving herself free in pursuit of more leisurely activities, such as painting or music-making, or, as was often the case, begging a few more dancing lessons from Master Nevis.

This is one very long and complex sentence. I feel you could easily split this into several shorter ones, because as it is it's a headache to read through. In fact, you could do the same with a lot of your sentences.

“Charmed, charmed by you will be all, charmed, Highness my Imperial!” the small Meriadossan man would declare on numerous occasions, corpulent and fleshy but graceful as a swan when accompanied by music.

Lawlz, this is an excellent description of a character. With just one line, you've shown us what the dance instructor is like.

in so stunning a court,

Meh, this is weird phraseology. I'm not sure I like it.

But not wanting to hurt his feelings she nodded again and laughed, listening to more stories of glittering balls, beautiful ladies and full of gallantry gentlemen.

"Full of gallantry" is a mouthful; it'd be easier and fit into your parallel structure to just say "gallant gentlemen".

Nevis succeeded where Rinnie had failed so miserably: he taught Anat Meriadossan if not Imperial history, details snuck in through tales of fantastic battles and dashing princes.

Ah, more character description. Wonderful. I love how you build your characters through small details instead of dumping everything about them on us. Through this, we've learned both the dance instructor and Anat's characters.

She had also fled from Priest, a boring old man who in a quivering voice continuously warned her of Meriadossan heretics.

This sounds interesting; maybe elaborate on it more?

abduction of power

I don't believe this to be standard English; in this context, "usurpation" would work better and still fit into the formal tone you're trying for.

by a mere dance master, a foreigner at that, but in raptures that Anat was learning something, anything at all. “

I feel this would be more effective if you replaced the commas around the "a foreiginer at that" part with dashes.

West Marchia is the greatest and unruliest of Meriadossan provinces,

Is "unruliest" a word? In any event, I think "most unruly" would sound bette

And Master Nevis would, spinning his stories of the magnificent Meriadossa, its ripe citrus fruits growing in beautiful orchards, a land always under the shining sun.

I like the incidences of alliteration in this sentence "spinning, stories" "magnificent Meriadossa". It gives it a rather poetic feel, which I think you were aiming for.


.

So ensued war none less epic than the ones woven by history itself, watched by Anat with wide, awe-filled eyes and slightly parted lips, until scolded by Rinnie for such unladylike behavior between the governess’s icy orations to the dance master. Threats of expulsion from Hastavat Castle sounded on both sides, a high-pitched, shrill female voice battling crippled Imperial. But then letters were produced, and Rinnie’s hawkish features reddened and then paled at the magic of the Emperor’s signature alongside words that cast in stone her defeat: “… chosen by Meriadossan ambassador… full support… to teach Her Imperial Highness Anat Halan..”.

I don't quite understand what's going on here, except that Rinnie is conflicting with the dance master. Wait...on a second readthrough, I got it. Some parts read awkwardly ("cripped Imperial"?), but at the same time, I think this conflict might do with being lengthened. Show us their argument, don't just say they argued.

She looked imploringly at Rinnie, seeing her incensed expression, pursed white lips, not wanting the governess to interrupt.

I'm a bit confused about who the "her" in this sentence is.

But Rinnie had been defeated utterly and completely, it seemed.

"Utterly" and "completely" mean the same thing; pick one.

Only Lady Arianna Isina regarded feigned tears with cold contempt, but kept her silence as the lines on her forehead deepened.

Feigned tears? *confused*

he paused theatrically once more, and Anat squirmed in her seat, biting her lips to blood in anxiousness, eyes wide and breath held,

You're overloading us with details on Anat's sense of anticipation; I think that just the "biting her lip" part is enough, because you're hammering it in too much with the "eyes wide..." part.

“There will be no more dancing lessons.”

Nice, very emphatic end to the scene. And a sign of tensions between countries, on a more personal level (two instructors for a young girl).

I like the way of exposition through story-telling, but at the same time, I'm still a tad confused, in part because I'm still unsure which country Anat is from. Which is the Empire? And I don't know exactly what ended the war or not.

until at last one crisp morning found its inhabitants out on the stone courtyard.

"Out on"? Surely you can find a stronger way to say that. Which is all too well, because I can't. *feels useless*

There was much crying and weeping on behalf of both those departing and staying; only Isabal looked down upon the scene from her bedroom window, having refused to say farewell. Her mother’s face was impassive – she ushered Her Imperial Highness away from the carriage that was to carry their luggage to the passenger one.

Anat’s small face peeked out behind the curtain before retreating back into the carriage’s murky depths when the last stones of Hastavat Castle disappeared from view. She wept violently, caught between sorrow and the thrill of adventure, perhaps feeling instinctively that this was the last time she had seen Hastavat or Isabal, or any other of its inhabitants.

I do believe the parting scene needs to be expanded. Right now, I'm not feeling much pathos because it just feels...rushed. I know you're perfectly able to write character interactions and emotion, given the last part of the chapter. Work on this, because the leaving scene is integral.

All right, overall, I have to say that I'm glad everything is coming together--the diary, Valkarad's part in the war, etc. And I loved the character of the dance master, as well as the way he clashed with Rinnie. Their interactions felt very realistic, and served as a nice metaphor for the continued tensions between the countries, on a personal scale. You're doing a great job relating the political to the personal. You had some lovely bits of description in here, too, although many of your sentences could do with trimming and definitely need to be split because I got a headache trying to follow some of them.

I'm slightly less confused about what's going on, though I still am unsure which country is which. >_> So...try thinking of clarifying that (perhaps stating, before each scene opens, where it's taking place?).

The best of luck in your endeavors.