Young Writers Society

So, before you read this, please read the prologue and chapter one! Reviews are much welcomed, since I need lots of help. I'm not satisfied with how this turned out.

Chapter 2
A walk
By Kat

I came back, in the next morning. The shy sun rays were playing with the clouds, trying to surpass them. Some got trough, and illuminated some remote sleepy spots in the town surrounding the girl’s house. I remembered clearly where it was, and so I followed the path with pines, that led to the old wood house.
It had a balcony at the front, and enormous gardens at the back. The magnitude of the well cared gardens transmitted a pleasuring feeling. The wind, always present at this time of the year, brought the sweet perfume of flowers, which despise the weather, still bloomed. Spots of color in the predominant green.
She was sitting on a wood arc, nailed to the wall bellow the window, with her arms and head supported on the window pane; the window was fully opened. Her hands played with the soft breeze passing by, trying to catch it with her elegant fingers.
She was waiting for something; her eyes locked on the horizon. Every time she arranged her posture, the wood made a small crack.
Her thoughts were mixed. She didn’t know what to believe in, and so I couldn’t read them clearly.
She saw me staring at her, at the second storage level in the air. It was somewhat good her house was alone in the middle of woods, in the surroundings of the town, or someone would see me if I flew so freely. Something undecipherable changed in her pale eyes. Did they just lighten up a bit?
She lifted her head, as if confirming I could walk in. The small breeze she was trying to imprison ran behind my wings, pushing me towards her, and so I flew into the house. The room smelled like old pine wood, and it was warm, as if the wood absorbed the light coming from the window.
“Get up.” It sounded like an order. Her sapphire eyes stared at me in confusion, burning with an unexplainable flame. I got too absorbed, I believe. Anyone could fall into those mirrors of her soul. Her expression was of confusion, her lips had a small opening between them.
“Get up,” I reaffirmed, determinately.
She appeared to hesitate; I offered my hand to help her up. The girl preferred to get up with her own strength, without any external support. A melancholic aura wrapped its claws around her, after my gentleman-like gesture. I thought it wasn’t only herself that was breaking her, but some external force trying to shatter her spirit. Unluckily, it was getting its goal accomplished.
I will not be charmed again, she thought. Her inner voice soon faded away, as she brushed off the pain.
My first challenge would be to get her out of that room. Then a smile would be hard. It’s hard to bring a smile to someone’s face; a true smile, at least. I remembered Sonya. A young girl, about six, I had met and helped. Her first smile was full with hope. A Heartbreaker had deceived her father, leaving them afterwards. That led him to suicide, and she was left alone, in an orphan house. I was flying by London, and heard her thoughts more clearly than the other calls. Pure innocence was stained, and so I was there to help. I still remembered her smile, beautiful and fun, and her laughter, pure. I had only left her, when she gained new parents, completely capable of loving her. The joy it gave me, to make a broken soul laugh.
“Come,” I said, walking in the direction of the door. She stood still, sighed and, with elegant steps, walked to the piano that still stood lonely, as if even abandoned, on the dusty room.
I pointed at my wings, while her eyes were still in me, telling her that if I had to, I would make her go.
“Wait,” she asked, with a calm voice. Her hands played the keys melodically, and she closed her eyes. I could see she begged for strength. Courage, to walk to the outside again. The melody ended, with a soft low note that she prolonged, as her right hand laid on her lap. Slowly she got up again, took a deep breath, and opened her eyes, with a new energy in them. That was the moment I realized she just need help, a simple push and she could try to get over it. As none gave her a hand, she decided to sit and cry.
My wings disappeared, as I didn’t need them anymore. I assumed a completely human form. She blinked out of surprise, and I led her downstairs. She hesitated again, at the top of the stairs, and this time she accepted my hand to help her down the stairs. She looked weak, breakable, as I stared up to her. As if a simple fall, or touch, could rupture her.
She stopped again, in front of the door that led out to the outer world. Her hands played with each other, leaving red marks, that passed to white and then to her normal skin colour. She was nervous.
I opened the door, which groaned, slowly. With patience, I waited for her to be ready.
It takes much patience, but I was designed to be caring and tolerant. She took one step, and then another, small and fearful. I could sense the aura emanating from her. Strong, yet with flaws, and confidence. She trusted in me, in my judgment. Something in me told her I could protect her; take her to higher purposes of life. The way she walked out of that door, her hand rising to her eyes, hiding the bright jewels from the sun, reminded me of ill people. Those who were in hospitals for months or in prisons, to the moment they get out.
“What’s your name?” She asked, as soon as we were out the door. When she spoke, softly and calmly, made me think that her house was like chains. They bind her to the past, and only when she gets out she can get a bit of the present and future.
“Eric.” She nodded, and I let my wings out. “Can I?”
She was scared. Her courage trembled, and even her aura shook a bit. “Or we can just walk,” I gave her another option.
“Yes, that would be better.” She trembled to the front, and with tiny steps she walked. Her confidence grew as her steps increased. As they say, walk it off.
“Hey, slow down!” I shouted. She was running now, with tears in her eyes. And she ran. I laughed inside, yet my face was shocked. For a second day, this was major progress. She just needed a push.
“Come on!” She called. I walked to her, while she ran away, turning and dancing on the yard. She didn’t laugh, or smile, but she was at her full glory. She fell to her knees, and it started raining. She cried, but her expression was peaceful. She was away, and probably a bit freer. Her hands trembled to her face, while she caught her teardrops and the rain. I smiled, she was just like Sonya. A little older, maybe eighteen or so, but she acted younger. The rain was cold, fresh and melodramatic. As if her disposition could influence her surroundings.
“What’s yours?” I asked, approaching her and letting out my hand. She grabbed it, her skin was soft, and stood up.
“Kaitlyn,” she whispered, and collapsed. Too much emotion. Could I dare take her back to her chains? No, I shall not. And so I flew to the clouds, and held her asleep.

Hello darling! Music, here as requested! Let's see what I can do! *laughs maniacally and proceeds*


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I came back, in the next day’s morning. <--Don't like how you phrased this; try revising it. The shy sun [s]shines[/s]rays were playing with the clouds, trying to surpass them. Some got through[s],[/s] and illuminated some remote, sleepy spots in the town surrounding the girl’s house. I remembered clearly where it was, and so I followed the path with pines[s],[/s] that led to the old three storages high wood house. <--What the heck does this last phrase mean?

It had a balcony at the front, and enormous gardens at the back. The magnitude of the well cared gardens, transmitted a so what good feeling, and the thought of richness to pay for it all.<--Again, another phrase that doesn't make sense to me.

She was sitting on a wood arc hailed [Do you mean 'nailed'?] to the wall bellow the window, with her arms and head supported on the window pane; the window was fully opened. Her hands played with the soft breeze passing by, trying to catch it with her elegant fingers. Love this description.

Every time she arranged her posture, [s]it was heard a small crack of the wood.[/s] the wood cracked and made a loud sound. [Or something to that affect.]

I opened the door, which gave out a small crack, slowly. <--I don't think 'crack' is the right word here. Maybe 'moaned', 'groaned', or something like that would work better?

She trusted in me, in my [s]judgement[/s]judgment.

The way she spoke, soft and calm, made me think that her house [s]has like[/s]was bound by chains.

For a second day, [s]these were major progresses[/s]this was major progress.

She grabbed it, her skin was soft, and stood up.<--I don't like the phrasing. "She grabbed it with soft hands, and stood up," might work more.

Language Usage & Writing Style: I think this may have been your weakest area. It felt to me as if you were trying to portray the story elegantly and maturely, but left-out words, typos, and general lack of making sense in sayings screwed it up for me, and the writing style soon seemed immature. Be sure the reader will understand what you're trying to say, and don't over-analyze things. Keep it simple, and phrase your words correctly. I advise that you read over this piece and try to re-word a few things so they'll be more clear.


Imagery & Emotion: Let's start with imagery. You had brilliant moments of description, but you were often caught and screwed up by your words. Re-phrasing a lot of things will help, as will adding more in using other senses than sight. [Hearing, taste, smell, touch, etc.] What did the rain feel like? Does her apartment have an old, musty smell? Can he hear her whimper slightly every few minutes? And so on.
Emotion. I thought that your emotion could come through a bit more. You had some body language, which I really liked, but I'd like to see more of the characters' feelings to come through in dialogue. Don't forget to use tags to your advantage! Be descriptive, but not overly so.


Characters: I like your characters, and I definitely want to see [and find out] more of both. But what makes your MC [Eric] so special? Sure, he's got wings, but what's special about him personality-wise? In future chapters, I'd like to see quirks that make Eric unique. Kaitlyn is okay right now, but I think it should be apparent that she's a complex character, not a simple-minded girl with a heart ache.


Plot & Storyline: This is continuing along nicely! I'd actually been wondering if you were going to continue this the other day. I think the beginning of the plot should be starting up soon, and I hope you're going somewhere interesting with it!


Overall: Overall, I think this was an okay piece, not your best work. I'd like to see some revisions and re-phrasings done and have another look, because I really like the story you have going on! Keep up the hard work, darling!

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music

Hi Kat! zomg, I haven't read anything of yours in such a long time. ^_^ Well, here I am now.

That led him to suicide, and she was left alone, on an orphan house.

She was on an orphan house?? Like, her father left her on top of the place?? I believe you mean in instead of on.

“Eric,” she nodded, and I let my wings out. “Can I?”

First, it's supposed to be a period, not a comma. And, she needs to be capitalized.

Her courage trembled, and even her aura shook a bit. “Or we can just walk,” I gave her another option.

This really really annoys me. Putting that at the end there. It doesn't sound right at all. It's just confusing here. Maybe try rephrasing it somehow by putting the bolded part before the "Or we can just walk."



Imagery and stuff So, I like how you described some things, but I felt like you could have done some more. Especially at the end part. Did Kaitlyn's hair start to get wet? I'm pretty sure it did if it was raining, but describe that to us! You say she looked peaceful. How did she look peaceful?


Here's one part

“Kaitlyn,” she whispered, and collapsed. Too much emotion.

I don't understand that very well. Did too much happen to Kaitlyn in that short period of time, that she just fainted from it all? Was it something that Eric did? I don't quite understand that line, darling.


Characters It's pretty obivous that both of these characters have an interesting background history. Eric has Sonya from his past and something had happened to Kaitlyn. I can't wait to see what these characters grow into because of thses histories, and now that they are together.
Good job, darling.



I'm really interested and I can't wait for the next part. This has great potentional (I have no idea if I spelled that right, so sorry if I didn't) and I want to read more. ^^

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments, darling.

*Lin

Well... They ^^^^ nit picked everything out, and I can't think of much else.
I agree that a few of the phrases you used were really confusing, and I had trouble finding this capter's link to the previous ones.... but maybe that's just me. O.o
But al-in-all good job. =D I love reading this. It looks like it could be really interesting, good job! ^-^

I came back, in the next morning.

Hiya! Sorry about starting off the review with a nit- pick . OK, for this sentence, I would get rid of the comma and the "in".

I remembered clearly where it was, and so I followed the path with pines, that led to the old wood house.
It had a balcony at the front, and enormous gardens at the back. The magnitude of the well cared gardens, transmitted a pleasuring feeling.

I think there is a bit of comma misuse in there. For example, in the first line, you only really need the first comma if there isn't an "and" right after. As for the second comma in the first line, you don't even need that there.
The second and third sentence, they are telling and not showing.

he room smelled like old pine wood, not freshly cut.

The beginning word should be capitalized, and have an "r" on the end. Her. I also think you can get rid of the "not freshly cut" part, since earlier you already said it smelled like "old" pine wood.

Unluckily, it was getting its goal accomplished.

I think this sentence would be better off being, "It's goal was sadly being accomplished." I like the flow of that much better, so why don't you try it on for size?

A young girl, about six, I had met and helped.

I think after saying "about six" you can put a "that". After the second comma, I mean.

The joy it gave me.

OkI know this nit- pick sounds a little odd, but I think you can add an "Oh" to the beginning of this. It gives it more of a poetic flair. I do think you are using lines like this, though, too often;
example;
Just like this. This is how they are. The lines are like this. It gets a bit boring. It's just how they are. This is what they look like.

see? XD I know that was a terrible example, but that's what they look like.

Over-all

A great story! I hope to see more! There were some issues with commas and sentence structure, though. I hope you consider what I've advised

~April

The description in this chapter was better. I got a sense of what was going on. But I was really confused with her sudden change in attitude. How can someone go from not wanting to trust someone to trusting them in only a short amount of time? Also, I would like to know more about what Eric and Kaitlyn look like. You've only described Eric's wings and you've only really described Kaitlyn's eyes and hair.

The rest of my review is in the attachment.

That's pretty nice man i liked most of the story. But i never understood the aim of the angel in the scene. Remember to make each scene have a purpose. There are three purposes for a scene 1 develope characters, 2 develop plot, 3 foreshadow events in your book.


Imagery and stuff Arrow So, I like how you described some things, but I felt like you could have done some more. Especially at the end part. Did Kaitlyn's hair start to get wet? I'm pretty sure it did if it was raining, but describe that to us! You say she looked peaceful. How did she look peaceful?


Good Luck. That's a great start.

I don't like reviewing things that other people already have, but there were a few things I was simply itching to point out. And if you don't like harsh reviews, I suggest you immediately delete or ignore this one, because if I am something, it's frank. Not, not the guy, the adjective.

Firstly, your plot is new and interesting. Heartbreakers and Healers? Hmmm. However, I'm afraid that is where the intrigue ends; I've read all three chapters of this, and you don't seem to quite understand how to put your ideas on paper.

Here's what I do to weed out badly-phrased sentences and dialogue in my stories: I read them aloud. Usually in a sweeping, heart-racing, terribly exciting voice, to make it fun. So that's what I did here, and I'll say right now that I got two paragraphs in before simply giving up -- none of it makes any sense! Also, you drive reviewers away by not reading your stories over before posting them. Why do we have to catch every typo you were too lazy to fix? It makes even the most exciting story boring and lame when we're forced to stumble over constant nads and such.

While there are other aspects of the story you could work on - for example, giving your characters a little more humanity - the main thing you need to pay attention to right now is:

EXHIBIT A:

The wind, always present at this time of the year, brought the sweet perfume of flowers, that despise the weather, still bloomed.

EXHIBIT B:

She looked weak, breakable, as I looked up to her.

EXHIBIT A is structure, while EXHIBIT B is repetition. Like I said, read the chapter aloud, or if you can't do that, at least look it over and fix what you can. Same with repetition: it messes up the flow. Try to train your head and eyes to catch repetitions -- I did, and now I hardly ever have two looks or walks in one sentence.

Keep writing! You'll be greatgreatgreat in no time. =D

-SELA

P.S. Oh! Oh! I forgot one thing:

“Kaitlyn,” she whispered, and collapsed.

You really rush this. It seems almost comical, if you picture it in your head. Well, it did to me, anyways. Foreshadow her collapsing for at least a little while. Does she shudder, or sway, or have a sort of feverish glint in her eyes? Does he hear her thoughts fading as she slips into the realm of unconsciousness? Just little things like that can really help your story seem more real.