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LiNdSeYo7
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 Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:47 am Post subject: Letting Go of my Lies |
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You said I was the “stupidest bitch” you‘d ever met,
Then knocked me to the ground.
Before that moment, I never knew,
How to scream without uttering a sound.
You probably felt strong, Like a ‘real man’,
As you thrust your fist at my head.
The bruise you left was very nice,
But inside my heart’s where I bled.
I’m sure you were satisfied afterwards,
To see the tired tears fall from my eyes.
Don’t flatter yourself - They weren’t for you.
I was simply letting go of my lies.
Saying goodbye to my misconceptions,
To the false hopes I’d strongly believed,
If bumps and bruises are all it takes,
To end this hell, and these lies.. I’m relieved. |
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<3 Lindsey
Last edited by LiNdSeYo7 on Mon Nov 12, 2007 7:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:14 am Post subject: |
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I am angry with my mouth for reading this poem.
Okay. I'm sorry. That's not nice at all.
This poem reminded me of one of those teen books they sell in Borders where they tell the whole story through a poem. I guess, depending on the person, this could be either a great thing or a not so great thing. Some of the lines in this poem would stand beautifully alone or perhaps surrounded by decent images such as:
"Don’t flatter yourself - They weren’t for you."
and
"Before that moment, I never knew,
How to scream without uttering a sound. "
are outstanding lanes in my personal opinion.
Then again, you have lines like these:
"You said I was the “stupidest bitch” you‘d ever met,
Then knocked me to the ground. "
and
"If bumps and bruises are all it takes,
To end this hell, and these lies.. I’m relieved."
that send you on an unpleasant bumpy roller coaster ride. So perhaps you should save this poem and pull from it as you grow in your writing. You made some good points here. |
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"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
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LiNdSeYo7
Senior Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 122
Reviews: 56
Country: Toledo, Ohio
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:30 am Post subject: |
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| I understand where you're coming from, and I def. appreciate any comments.. Anyways, about the whole "telling a story through the poem" thing.. That's exactly what I was doing. This is a poem I wrote based on something that actually happened, and I took parts of what went on, and meshed them in with how I felt at the time, and how the situation made me feel afterwards. I was explaining that if it took this boy getting physical with me (That was basically what happened), for me to finally realize who he HONESTLY was, and to get away from that, then I was relieved. I was also trying to say that it would be worse for me to keep fooling myself by believing he was someone that he's not, than to gain a few bumps and bruises. I was explaining that I wasn't crying for him, or out of pain, but because I was finally letting go of all the lies I'd told myself about him.. The worst part, for me, was knowing that I had been lieing to myself/fooling myself. Not that a boy hit me. Maybe that will clear up things a lil' bit.. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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| I kinda figured that was where you were coming from but with that subject, you could make this a very powerful poem. I totally understand writing poems on something that actually happened. If anybody understands that It's definitely me. But I also try not to give the sympathy vote. I'm sorry about what happened and all, but like I said, you should pull from it and reconstruct it. I'm sure you could do it with a little bit of work. Right now, it sounds like a diary entry...well, I guess that's okay if it's what you're going for. |
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"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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LiNdSeYo7
Senior Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 122
Reviews: 56
Country: Toledo, Ohio
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Seriously, thanks for the comments.. I was just explaining (lol), not saying that I couldn't do better. I'm going to try it again. Oh, and don't worry about the whole sympathy thing, this is all about the writing. I'll start reading some of your things soon. <3 |
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bluecows
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:17 pm Post subject: |
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is it just me, or was that poem actually alright? cos i liked it well enough. then again, i have no idea what a good poem is (though i think you'll have to be REALLY unobservant not to notice a bad poem), maybe it's just me.
anyway, that's all i have to say really.
have a nice day
bluecows  |
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To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour. – William Blake
I was lying in bed, watching the stars and i thought, 'where the hell is the ceiling?' |
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LiNdSeYo7
Senior Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 122
Reviews: 56
Country: Toledo, Ohio
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:51 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks! Have a nice one as well. |
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<3 Lindsey |
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