Topic ID: 1873
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Lollipop
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 Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:26 pm Post subject: Free |
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This peom represents the poor people stuck as hostages in Iraq. I'm not good at poems so don't expect anything
FREE
Stuck in the darkest hell
Never sleeping, never eating
Waiting to hear heavens bell
Just wanting to be free
Alone in the night
The mist of death lurks
Screaming in fright
Wishing to be free
The light blinds my eyes
Floating up to heavens gate
Dancing through the skies
I am now free |
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Emma
the wee dafty
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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That is really good, it would be better if it was longer.
And dont say that you can't write poems, your good just got to make it longer, it would look like a pro had written it! go you! |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the first stanza. I think it read well and made a good opening, but it didn't flow very well into next stanza and from then on out, things seemed a little choppy. It felt like you were pushing yourself to make it work with the "wanting to be free", "wishing to free," and "I am now free" lines.
I like the idea of the poem, but I think it could be rewritten a little to make it better. |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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Thanx very much. I did push myself a little. I 'm not good at poems but i'm sending in my art work soon hehe!!  |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Awesome. I look forward to seeing them. |
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Lollipop
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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HEHE I'll look for your future work too!  |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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| lol. Right, if I can get my brain to get off this morbid kick that it's on... I want to post something HAPPY. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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| I really like this, it flowed very nicely, but I agree with Emma; it seems like it should be longer. And when you tell us what its about at the start, it kind of takes away from the poem. I want to figure out what its about, you shouldn't have to tell me. If you have to tell me what its about then its not a good poem, now is it? lol but I did like this poem! great work! *runs off to read more of lollipop's work* |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
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| Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you every1 |
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Jennafina
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| this doesn't really remind me of hostages in iraq, but I really really really like it. Its got a tence feal, and I think that it doesn't have to be long to still be awesome. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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| It seemed kind of bland to me. I liked the feelings behind it, but they didn't show very strongly through your words. Try doing it free verse, rather than rhyming with a strict meter. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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Well... the rhyming seemed very forced. And the metering didn't seem to make sense either. Also, "heavens" would actually be "heaven's" as it is possesive in that case.
the thing that bugged me the most was the way the passive tense was used in the first two verses. So instead of saying who wants to be free, you say "Wanting to be free." But in the third verse, you change it to first person. Up until then, I had figured it was in third person omniscient, and now it's in first person? It totally broke the flow of the poem. The last verse, which should be the big KABLOOIE! needs to be worked on a bit. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:06 am Post subject: |
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| I'm trying to get away from the sympathy vote but it's virtually impossible so I'll just take the easy way out and agree with the others. |
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