Topic ID: 3710
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Chevy
science, again.
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 Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:27 pm Post subject: i've damaged my fingers over you. |
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I think this poem is missing something but I can't quite figure out what it is so therefore I can't add it. Please help me if you can!
you know,
i've damaged my fingers over you.
bent over a wooden fret board
watching as my fingers paint songs
that i can never let you hear.
overrated repetitive vague cliche.
the same things you have heard for years.
until now,
when i tend to attract the guy
with the better guitar
and the better complexion
who knows i've never been kissed
yet, leaves it alone.
until now,
he says
"i love you,"
i have to turn away, because
i dont know what that means. |
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Last edited by Chevy on Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:17 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Misty
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:08 am Post subject: . |
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| I don't know. I think it lacks the specific thing that is giving you all of this confusion. I liked the part *watching as my fingers paint songs* |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:09 am Post subject: |
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| I liked the first stanza, and the last stanza. But to me, each section sounded like it belonged in an entire different poem than all the others. |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:36 am Post subject: |
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they're repetitive
they're vague
they're cliche
they're overrated
they're the same things
i know you've heard them for years. |
That was pathetic and you know it.
The "until now"s were misplaced, had no real purpose other than to confuse the whole poem. Although I like the idea of an "until now" in this poem.
I liked the ending, with the "until now" replaced the way it is in my head. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:19 am Post subject: |
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| Incandescence wrote: |
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they're repetitive
they're vague
they're cliche
they're overrated
they're the same things
i know you've heard them for years. |
That was pathetic and you know it.
The "until now"s were misplaced, had no real purpose other than to confuse the whole poem. Although I like the idea of an "until now" in this poem.
I liked the ending, with the "until now" replaced the way it is in my head. |
Okay I took your advice on all the "they're"s. Is that any better? |
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"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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