Topic ID: 3730
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1613
Reviews: 660
Country: It's Complicated.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 2:44 am Post subject: "life is just over." EDITED |
 |
|
summer is really getting away
while we french kiss walls
and talk about jesus’ pound cake
i will never tell anyone that
because our virgin minds
and sober thoughts are just ours.
your brown hair curves around your face
i’m looking into your eyes and
everything’s so sad.
for an escape, i laugh in return
to my dear friend with the royal name.
he’s a brat when he shouts and cries
and i do nothing while watching him--
except smile in return.
the crack in your lip starts to turn upward
i'm looking into your eyes and
everything's smiling. |
_________________
"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles)
Last edited by Chevy on Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:01 am; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 12:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
you spent time here
and tell me i’m a lucky girl
but before i can say hello
you’re already gone |
Eradicate this stanza. Please.
| Quote: |
your brown hair curves around your face
i’m looking into your eyes and
everything’s so sad. |
This would read better without the "everything's" contraction. Expand.
| Quote: |
for an escape,
i smile in return
to my dear friend
with the royal name.
he’s a brat
when he shouts and cries
and i do nothing
while watching him
except smile in return. |
Too choppy. Combine some of this. Choppiness is effective when your going for something sharp and quick. This poem is more a ballad than a lyricism. Also, the ending just kind of fizzles into nothing. You want a bang. |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1613
Reviews: 660
Country: It's Complicated.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 1:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| But I don't know how to end a poem with a Bang. Occasionally, it will come to me but...not usually. So it probably will remain a dead poem. |
_________________
"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Rei
E.A. Extraordinaire
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 01 Feb 2005
Posts: 3140
Reviews: 685
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really don't understand the point of not using capital letters. It just makes it look very imature, like you don't know the rules of your own langauge. |
_________________
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 11:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| It's part of the postmodern perspective on reality, Rei. Furthermore, if you have nothing constructive to say, please do not say anything at all. |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1613
Reviews: 660
Country: It's Complicated.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yes I know. The ending is rather dopey but oh well I made changes.  |
_________________
"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
