Topic ID: 331
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1757
Reviews: 574
Country: My own little universe
380 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 5:59 am Post subject: The Sound of Strings (finished!) |
 |
|
The Sound of Strings
strung with the music
I am playing
notes are wrapped
around my fingertips and twining
in my hair like moonbeams –
shining fresh as raindrops
and the golden strands
of dulcet melodies.
I am submerged by audio
tuned in like the radio
adrift in reverie and lost
amidst the sound of strings. |
Last edited by bubblewrapped on Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:22 am; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
deadly_teapot
Novice
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Dec 2004
Posts: 6
Reviews: 4
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 12:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
In my opinion it seems mostly ok as it is. The rhyming doesnt feel forced and it's not really that noticeable which part rhymes or not. I like it's flow, and it's a neat idea.
I don't really like the word sweet on 8 though..seems out of place. Maybe it would be better without it?
Neat poem though. Nice one :thumb: [/quote] |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 2860
Reviews: 345
Country: Essayville.
337 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i like it just the way it is! i like the word sweet, although a better adjective might be found, but that's more a personal opinion... |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1613
Reviews: 660
Country: It's Complicated.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 11:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hm, I had to read this twice to really understand what this poem meant. I like what I read, however, when this is no good sign, where the reader has to rad twice to really understand. However, the carpet is being cleaned, music is blasting, people are talking, etc. etc. etc. all while I am reading this poem, so that may be the case. |
_________________
"I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Soyala Amaya
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 13 Dec 2004
Posts: 127
Reviews: 78
Country: KC Missouri
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is the kind of poem where you need to light a few candles, turn of the lights, close your eyes, and let someone you love whisper it in your ear. It's not meant to be a love poem, but its written like one, and...music is like a love. I enjoy the idea of it, and the misty mystique of it, but...I'm not a string intrumentalist, so the true feeling of it is lost on me. Now, if this were changed to fit a saxphone, or something like that, I could fall in love with it. As it is, its just not for me. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3017
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
392 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Well, this has a nice effect and reads easily, but it doesn't have a point. Like someone said, it'd be nice to hear this whispered, if you weren't paying attention and were just listening for the voice of someone. Although I always look for the meaning behind the words. This poem didn't have one, it was straightforward and left the feeling of being light on your feet for a few glimmering seconds. Then you have to reread it, and it slowly degrades into a corroboration of words mimicking what would be a beautiful poem. It was sappy and soppy. It was like watching A Walk to Remember minus Mandy Moore and just getting the feeling of resplendid bliss for a few moments. And then it fades. But what in this world lasts forever when the words of men are no more than their emotions set over a flame? |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
axis of evil, BRB
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4908
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
311 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 5:01 am Post subject: RE |
|
|
I thought this was pretty good, although I have to agree with everyone. Even us band/orchestra geeks couldn't get it, which is NOT A GOOD THING. Bubblewrapped, you have a great, unique style, but it wasn't really present in this one.  It needs some work, but if you do go over it I think it should be really good. |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sabine
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 19 Jan 2005
Posts: 78
Reviews: 30
Country: the present
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 9:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
this is a lovely piece. I'm afraid that I have to disagree with the other reviewers. There is nothing wrong with a poem that needs to be reread a time or two to comprehend it fully. A poem is something that should be lingered over, not glanced at once and then discarded. It's also a good thing that the poem was engaging enough for the reader to want to spend time deciphering it and not just move onto something else.
I like the rhythm of this poem. I like the spacing, the places where i feel that the reader would take a pause if she were reading it out loud. I like the images you created. I think it's exactly the right length. I think the word 'moonbeams' seems a bit trite however. I might go over that line a little more, possibly replacing it with something with three sylables instead.
over all the poem was pleasing, a nice little swish of reative energy. |
_________________
"magic is a flick of the wrist, a shaft of light in an empty room
it is the permanence of objects
in endings and transformations
and the flicker of movement, half seen
from the corner of your eye" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Midnight
get ready to sing goodbye to the lovely cat
Speaker of the Forum
Age: 38
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 748
Reviews: 65
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting to know which piece of music made you write this, but I suppose that's beyond the point.
I enjoyed it, it was blissfull and quiet just what a poem expressing love of music should be. Made me feel like I could life off and float. However the bit that brought me down was the audio, radio rhyme (perhaps not quite a rhyme, but sounding similar) I dunno didn't fit somehow. But apart from that it took me away from revision for a couple of moments. Thank you. |
_________________
available |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fireweed
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 647
Reviews: 324
Country: U.S... Alaska, to be precise
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Beautiful... I like the way it flows, it made me feel really... quiet. im a music freak and i know it sounds corny but i really understand what you said about how it feels like the music wraps around you, or like you get lost in it, or something.i thought you did a really good job describing that. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kilty
Senior Writer
Age: 23
Joined: 21 Jun 2005
Posts: 121
Reviews: 40
Country: Ireland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Hm. I catch the point of it--you who do not, look deeper. It's basic love of music. This poem is very artistically written, and I like it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
