Topic ID: 3350
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6290 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 6:45 pm Post subject: sixteen |
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EDITED VERSION:
it doesn't have any sugar
but that doesn't mean it isn't sweet
the olden days of innocence and freedom
have fallen by the wayside
and you're left with this
a cornocupia of pressure and responsibility
never failing to remind you of your faults
never forgetting to make you fear the future
why are you left with the only one
that doesn't understand hangovers
and never wants bedroom fumbling
as indie as it is
you'd rather have shared the same as others
relished the dying months
rather than stuck in the shadows
showering paper with pointless ideas
and ripped them up, tore them apart
but you'll still raise your glass
and toast those dark ages
because you'll always have the last laugh |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain
Last edited by Firestarter on Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:18 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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ohhewwo
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 15 Mar 2005 Posts: 366 Reviews: 148 Country: ...Right behind you!!! 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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Ancient Chinese proverb: "He who laughs last, is slowest."
...
Okay, the real version is "He who laughs last, laughs best," if no one got that.
But, anyway, this was well worded, and it was a good, piece. I especially likethe first stanza.
The only thing that I would reccommend changing is the title. It just dosen't seem very original. There are too many number titles. If someone were to come up to a poetry expert, and ask, "Hey, have you read that piece entitled "Sixteen?," then the most likely response would probably be "Which one?"
But that's my only reccomendation. Nice work. |
_________________ "The only difference between me and a mad man is that I am not mad."
-Salvador Dali, surrealist |
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Liz
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 493 Reviews: 321 Country: The land down under 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:31 am Post subject: |
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| Great. Good concept, very well-written. Nice work. |
_________________ purple sneakers |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6290 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks. Well...it's the only piece entitled "sixteen" in my collection so I'll never get confused. It's a reference to the years, rather than the sixteenth poem or whatever. |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4824 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm.... I liked it, but not as much as your others.
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but i'll still raise my glass
and toast those dark ages
because i'll always have the last laugh |
I liked this closing. It was neat... gave me a cool image.
Overall, it's a good poem, but didn't really strike me in any way. |
_________________ Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3017 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 392 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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You seemed quite detached from this yourself. It was like a second-person nostalgia.
It was pretty, but it didn't leave any impact on me, nothing to contemplate later about my teenage years. The problem with this poem, for me, was that you used "me" and tried to be universal. Had all of the me's been you's it would have been better because it would have spoken to me. Now, if you use 'me' and remain personal, it can still speak to people, but being self-centered and universal rarely works, though I commend you for trying. |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED Site Admin

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Nov 2004 Posts: 6290 Reviews: 986 Country: Albion 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, good tip Brad, I've just realised if I change them all to "you"s then it would be much better. I was too consumed into writing about myself, yes, and should probably change that. |
_________________ and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1613 Reviews: 660 Country: It's Complicated. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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| I changed all the "I's" and stuff and I liked it 10 times more. But before that, I didn't feel connected at all.. |
_________________ "I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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PsyLynx
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 285 Reviews: 205
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it's really good....reminds me of a sadness I sometimes feel, and rarely but occasionally am consumed by....and it reminded me of night, and loneliness, and staring at dying things that nobody else stares at, and it reminded me of how strange it is to be yourself when nobody else is theirselves...and it reminded me of all of my notebooks of pointless ideas, that were scrawled just so that I could scrawl something, and then it reminds me of my wonderful ideas, that in the light of further education is...just sad, just dead, idealistic and stupid. Sigh. I thought it was great. |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1613 Reviews: 660 Country: It's Complicated. 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, it's a lot better now that it's edited. |
_________________ "I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case."
- A Seperate Peace (John Knowles) |
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