Young Writers Society

The cold hurts,
before their bodies turn numb, it devours them
-- chews them up and spits them out until they're nothing
but shattering bones piled up against the wind.

I see them!

Hearts frozen over,
whilst shuddering bodies convulse in the arctic snow,
quivering and sobbing of an empty hurt
unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.

Don't follow!

Passionately cruel.
Like the piercing winter breeze that stabs against their chests.
Help these girls! How they sniff with the flu and dream of the sun,
and all it takes is one fatal touch--
to have them melting at his feet
and call it love.

This is quite something. I like how you portrayed everything, it really made it feel real to me. Also, I like how you create a sort of haunting feeling about it, making it feel as though something scary or supernatural is happening, like someone seeing the Reaper come for them at their death. Then after the haunting part, you suddenly blow us all away by saying that it's love and making us slap our foreheads in realization, saying "Oooh!" and "Aha!", because we understand where your coming from. It's a great poem, I really like it!

Great Job!

- Claeren

Now this is a very interesting poem. I love the structure; it looks like a descending mist. The structure alone sets the mood and the tone of the poem is just chilling.

'unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.'

My favourite line!

I also like the two short lines in italics. They really contribute to the atmosphere of the poem.

I really enjoyed reading this poem, well done.

Nathan.

This poem read excellently, i have a cuple of tiny things, ut thier more of a personal feel than an actual issue with the writning. Well done, I wanted to read more and your writing style is both descriptive and flows well. You are so good for someone so young. I dont uite know if the poem matches what you said was you muse but it doesnt have to, that can just be an insopiration and you can vere off from that.
My only critisim was that you used bodies in both the first and second stanza on the same line in a similar place, it just interrupted the flow a little and a synonym or different wording would be a quick fix, but really its not that big of a deal.
Excellent job

This reads almost like a really short story, which is good because I prefer fiction to poetry anyway.

Audy wrote:The cold hurts,

This is too literal and direct. It's poetry damn it! open with something brooding and vague.

before their bodies turn numb, it devours them

That's more like it.

-- chews them up and spits them out until they're nothing

This doesn't add anything. It doesn't play upon the former much, that is to say, it only modifies it a little. I don't claim expertise when it comes to poetry, but I can say every line needs to add, every word needs to be carefully placed and strong and I think you let yourself down a little with this.

but shattering bones piled up against the wind.

A little better because of the wind image. I can almost hear the wind whistling through fibula and flanges.

I see them!

Too weak.

Hearts frozen over,

whilst shuddering bodies convulse in the arctic snow,

quivering and sobbing of an empty hurt

unaware of rotten, old flesh trailing like bread crumbs.

This is all a little better, but quite direct and limited. Open it up and let the readers wander about, don't box us in.


I like how you switch it at the end, it all makes sense. Like I said this is more like fiction than poetry because you limit the scope of the reader. Hope this helps,

JP