Young Writers Society

All down the streets you dance, joyfully and nonchalantly to the sound of the cappella melody played by the Piper. Your feet move, willingly but somewhat forcibly, like your body is ignoring your better conscience. You twirl through thickets and emerald glades, never tiring. The pleasant man guides you with his notes and urges you on with his distinct refrain.

Up a mountain you go, farther from your village, in a sort of trance. Your feet still move in a playful jig, but now your heart isn't in it. You look back down into the valley, but where you once saw your home, you now see acres of trees winding up the steep side of the peak you have just ascended with the still playing, still jubilant Piper. His song is drawing to an end and the other children you see have begun to slow their frantic frolic. You are now at the summit of this mountain. A smooth boulder that lies in front of you is all that is left to conquer.

The Piper too has stopped and takes the flute from his lips. He holds it behind his slim, neat figure and turns to address you and the other children. It's a motley group of perhaps 20 strong.

"Hello Children," he begins. You can tell he's trying hard to sound friendly and amiable. "Hello, and welcome! I'm going to show you a wonderland beyond your wildest dreams. Where no grown up can tell you what to do- you can do whatever you please. "

The children around you smile and laugh at that. You must be the eldest, everyone seems young and naive. You're twelve and you would very much appreciate some liberty from the demanding commands of the controlling adults who dare to try and contain you. Your defiance is torn. You'd be free from the rules that monopolize your life, but you'd be obliging to the Piper, who seems, underneath his honeyed smile and beautiful music, deceptive.

The Piper is contented with the eager shouts and turns away from the children. He taps the boulder's irregularly smooth face in a series of complex movements. The children gasp as the rock's center melts slowly away leaving you gazing into a green meadow that is bathed in warm sunlight and cloaked with a blue sky that is so cobalt it seems like an ocean in the sky.

A glittering, psychedelic, ladder spirals it's way up to where you are standing.

"Go on, sweetie..." The Piper urges, a bit impatiently. The other children are waiting eagerly for you to descend. You take one last look at the natural beauty of your homeland and then begin carefully stepping down the ladder into the superficial world that lies below you.

I think it about time i review something of yours. Ok first off it's very interesting that you start off in second person. I've never seen that before. Is there a reason it's in second person.

The children around you smile and laugh at that. You must be the eldest, everyone seems young and naive, their ages ranging from 7-12.

All numbers under 100 must be spelled out.

You're twelve and you would very much appreciate some liberty from the demanding commands of the controlling adults who dare to try and control you. Your defiance is torn. You'd be free from the rules that monopolize your life, but you'd be obliging to the Piper, who seems, underneath his honeyed smile and beautiful music, deceptive.

Yeah the whole second person thing kind of takes you out of the story. it reminds me ofthose choose your own fate books.

I hope I wasn' too mean. You had good descriptin an has an interestign idea. I just don't think that any story can be effectively told in the second person. I'm interested to read more to see where you're going with it though.

Well, actually it seemed like I could add more detail and make it seem a bit more interesting using 2nd person. It was also sort of a challenge for myself as I've never done it before.

I loved those books! They got really confusing as I had to keep dog earring pages so I'd know where to look back to.

So yeah, I used it to make it perhaps easier to follow, to cram more detail into, to make it more interesting and as a personal challenge. Thanks so much for reviewing it.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

I like it! This subject is actually quite interesting
though, I didn't quite understand this part:

You must be the eldest, everyone seems young and naive, their ages ranging from 7-12.

Good work. I agree with Amon360, that it does remind you of 'choose your own fate books.' It also reminds me of one of those cute folk tales

I think this was awesome. Even more so because I know a girl named Piper!


Yes, I know it's based off the Pied Piper. One of my favorite fables.

Where I'm going with it, it's not going to stay cute.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

P.S. You realize that it's based of the Pied Piper right?

It reminded me of the Pied Piper. Just the children following the Piper away from their home. I really enjoyed reading this. Of course, I've actually (surprisingly) never read anything written in 2nd person. Of course, it sounded a little weird. Yet it was very descriptive and it seemed a little...creepy.

I can't wait to read more. PM me when you decide to post more up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Yes, it is another take on the Pied Piper story.

Hiya! Here as requested!

the other children of, perhaps 20.

This has been mentioned before but not here: always spell out number unless it's huge.

Other then that, I am confused by this line. It seems, to me, like you're missing something. I would re-write this:

The other children, perhaps twenty in number.

~~

So, that's all I have found.

Second person- Very unusual choice here. I enjoyed it, to a point, but once it hit the passage explaining ages I got slightly annoyed at the "telling" nature of it. I find it rather enjoyable, but at the same time, tell-heavy.

Description- This being second-person, the reader is the character, correct? So, you really have to make us be in the world. How does the path feel under your feet? Are they bare, or not? Are you getting sore from dancing? Ask some basic sensory questions here to flesh this out a bit more.

Overall- In a strange way, I liked this. Second person is something I do not see often, however I am interested in how you'll pull this off. Give us a little more sensory description to really immerse us in the story and you're well on your way to have something to remember here!

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Edited. Courtesy of all of you. I am still attempting the second person.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Here as requested, Threnody!

joyfully and nonchalantly to the sound of the cappella melody

Hmmm. This is being extremely nit-picky, but "nonchalantly" means sort of unconcerned or apathetic. In my opinion, it contradicts joyfully.

of perhaps 20 strong.

Always spell out your numbers unless they are really long and hard to type.

For example:

3,000,000,000

Should be:

Three billion

While:

6,654,956,774,676.45

Can remain as it is.

"Hello Children

Comma after hello.
De-capitalize children:

"Hello, children,"

Overall

Second Person?
I know you've been ranted at about this. It will be very difficult to pull of -- but amazing if you succeed. It's very interesting. The only problem with second person is that it becomes very tell-y. So you need more...

Description

Okay, so second person writing tends to get a bit tell-heavy. That's fine, but it will become boring for the reader after awhile. Since this is second person, make the reader feel as though they are in the story. Use sensory perception -- what does this world sound, taste, smell, look, and feel like?

Also: You say a lot of things such as "He looked deceptive to you."

Why does he look deceptive to me? His eyes? His body language? You should describe actions more when you say the reader thinks something.

Does that make sense? ^_^

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Here I am as requested!! (: I haven't read any of the above reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything (: . All my comments/suggestions and edits will be in bold, and I hope this review helps you out!!

Forever Threnody wrote:All down the streets you dance, joyfully and nonchalantly to the sound of the cappella melody [I may be being extremely thick (if so, ignore me =P ), but what is this? You may want to make it clearer (: ]played by the Piper. Your feet move, willingly but somewhat forcibly, like your body is ignoring your better conscience. You twirl through thickets and emerald glades, never tiring. The pleasant man guides you with his notes and urges you on with his distinct refrain.

Up a mountain you go, farther from your village, in a sort of trance. Your feet still move in a playful jig, but now your heart isn't in it. You look back down into the valley, but where you once saw your home, you now see acres of trees winding up the steep side of the peak you have just ascended with the still playing, still jubilant Piper [this is a pretty long sentence, and this part here borders on the rambling - which we certainly don't want!! (: Try and break this sentence up a little, or even try and rephrase it - it's up to you!!]. His song is drawing to an end and the other children you see have begun to slow their frantic frolic. You are now at the summit of this mountain. A smooth boulder that lies in front of you is all that is left to conquer [I'm not quite too sure what you mean by this].

The Piper too has stopped and takes the flute from his lips. He holds it behind his slim, neat figure and turns to address you and the other children. It's a motley group of perhaps 20 [20 looks better typed out as twenty, don't you think?] strong [I would cut this as the word is slightly unnecessary, what do you think?].

"Hello[comma] children," he begins. You can tell he's trying hard to sound friendly and amiable [How? This is a classic case of telling instead of showing. So, instead of telling us that he's trying hard to sound friendly and amiable, show us how you know he is doing that - makes sense?]. "Hello [would he really say Hello straight after saying Hello Children?], and welcome! I'm going to show you a wonderland beyond your wildest dreams. Where no grown up can tell you what to do- you can do whatever you please. "

The children around you smile and laugh at that. You must be the eldest at twelve years of age, everyone seems young and naive. You're twelve [I have moved the MC's age to the previous sentence - what do you think?] and you would very much appreciate some liberty from the demanding commands of the controlling adults who dare to try and contain you [again, this sentence boarders on the rambling, as you've used some unnecessary words, which clutters the sentence up a little. For example, if you take demanding commands, 'demanding' isn't really necessary, as that's what commands generally are - you need to trust your audience a little. Now, I think I've rambled on a bit (well, maybe a lot =P ), please say if any of what I've just said is complete nonsense to you (: ]. Your defiance is torn. You'd be free from the rules that monopolize your life, but you'd be obliging to the Piper, who seems, underneath his honeyed smile and beautiful music, deceptive [what makes your MC think the Piper's deceptive?].

The Piper is contented with the eager shouts and turns away from the children. He taps the boulder's irregularly smooth face in a series of complex movements. The children gasp as the rock's center melts slowly away leaving you gazing into a green meadow that is bathed in warm sunlight and cloaked with a blue sky that is so cobalt it seems like an ocean in the sky [this is a beautifully worded sentence, but it is a little long - try and break it up into two sentences (: ].

A glittering, psychedelic,[delete comma] ladder spirals [s]it's[/s] its way up to where you are standing.

"Go on, sweetie..." The Piper urges, a bit impatiently. The other children are waiting eagerly for you to descend. You take one last look at the natural beauty of your homeland [expand on this!]and then begin carefully stepping down the ladder into the superficial world that lies below you. [Great ending!!]

Last Minute Views
Second Person
Your use of telling the story in 2nd person is a very unique take on things - and I have to say - written extremely well, for which I must applaud you for hehe.

Descriptions/Imagery
However, your awesomness at writing in 2nd person falls slightly flat by my lack of being (as a reader) able to conjure up a sense/image of where this is happening, which we don't want!!! Hehe =P . This really is just a classic case of trying to show us what's happening instead of telling us.
For example, if I just show you an excerpt of a novel I have to hand:

City of Bones by Cassandra Clarke wrote:At first Clary didn't even register his words . She was too busy staring at him. Like many only children, she was fascinated by the resemblance between siblings, and now, in the full light of day, she could see exactly how much Alec looked like his sister. They had the same jet-black hair, the same slender eyebrows winging up at the corners, the same pale, high-colored skin. But where Isabelle was all arrogance, Alec slumped down in the chair as if he hoped nobody would notice him. His lashes were long and dark like Isabelle's, but where her eyes were black, his were the dark blue of bottle glass. They gazed at Clary with a hostility as pure and concentrated as liquid

Now this author didn't just say: Alec and Isabelle were brother and sister, they looked exactly alike, apart from their eyes; Alec's were blue, instead of Isabelle's black ones. She showed us the sibling's similarities in looks. Do you now get what I mean by saying show instead of tell? And remember, when describing things, use all of your 5 senses: see, hear, taste, touch, and feel. =D

Overall Thoughts
If you work on your imagery through this chapter, it will be totally amazing (: . This was a great chapter and beautifully written, so well done on producing such a great piece of work!!
Good luck with continuing to write this piece. I really hope this review helped you out, and if you have any further questions etc, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be more than happy to help .

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx