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Triad
Triad
by Prokaryote in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on June 23, 2005
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Elizabeth   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:30 am    Post subject: Untitled Reply with quote 
The stars spell your name

the moon shines your face

your voice echos in the wind

and I can feel you in the grass

The midnight air smells like your breath

I open my arms and feel you hug me

As I drift to sleep I dream of you



it is 4:30 Am give me some leeway.

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Last edited by Elizabeth on Thu Jul 14, 2005 12:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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antigone   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I like it. You need an a in breath though. Especially the first four lines were really cool.
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Liz   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Not bad. Fix up the last line, maybe expand a bit, and good work.

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Elizabeth   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Will do.

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Crysi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Wow. I get chills everytime I read something like this, because this poem was able to capture what I can never seem to express in my own poetry. I love this. Very well done.

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Chevy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
It was a very lovely poem. I especially loved the last line though it could use a little work to be even more powerful. This poem could also use a fiew images and that would be outstanding.

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Rei   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Yes, very nice. I felt you could do more with it, use some more images, maybe show us a little bit about who this person you're talking about is. Overall, good work, especially impressive if you have been having trouble sleeping (just a guess becase of what time you wrote it). But sometimes lack of sleep can produce some really interesting thoughts.

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