Topic ID: 3424
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bulletproof
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 Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 7:22 pm Post subject: Endless storm |
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Trikling rain from the sky
passing in front of my eyes
rumbling and roaring from the light
the rain called out.
Drop after drop flash after flash
the light and sound start to clash
it went so fast I could not gasp
a breath of air.
Roaring thunder from the sky
flashing lights start to blind
rolling darkness right behind
but it did not stop.
Drop after drop flash after flash
the light and sound start to clash
it went so fast I could not gasp
a breath of air.
Giant hail smashing down
leaving dents on the ground
in my mind I start to find
it will not stop.
Drop after drop flash after flash
the light and sound start to clash
it went so fast I could not gasp
a breath of air. |
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ohhewwo
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 4:34 am Post subject: |
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A very well written poem.
Only one problem, and it looked as if this was what you were going for. The last line of each stanza was just to short. It begins to seem sort of comical, somehow.
So, to prevent this break, instead of "...A breath of air," it could be, "A single breath of air."
Also, some other fillers need to be used in places that lack consistency. Like in Stanza five, Line two. Instead of "on," I would use "upon."
Okay, so, that's it. Nice work. Unless you were going for the break at the end of each stanza, use some fillers. Ohhewwo out.
...
Man, that's annoying, isn't it? "So-and-so, out." That bothers me. ... Okay bye now! |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not one to Edit uncontrolably but....
Drop after drop flash after flash
the light and sound start to clash
it went so fast I could not gasp
a breath of air.
COULD BE:
Drop after drop, flash after flash
As light and sound start to clash
It went so fast and I could not gasp
One single, breath of air.
I don't know, I like to make things really long. I don't think you speleld TRICKLING right... I don't even know if I spelled it right so nevermind.
Anyway I did really like this, especially because we spent 2 hours on the phone watching the lightning flash. We saw a Y shape and a W shape and we were watching for an S shape  good job, I really like this. Now, to continue on a tune for another one of your songs... |
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bulletproof
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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| grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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Liz
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| Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 8:17 am Post subject: |
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| Not bad at all. I think it would be a lot better with TBR's suggestions, but I did like it. Nice work. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Same thing Liz said. Not TBR Liz...but the Liz above me. |
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