Young Writers Society

She is
my phoenix,
rising from the ashes
of the old year,
a past life,
a neglected child. She

is a new shoot,
peeking over the snow just before spring's thaw
at a white fresh world,
a second chance
a perfect start,
a blameless mask on the past. She

is a wall
built from trees rough and old,
now made new
with varnish, and sand.
Built
to shield me from yesterday. She

is the dawn,
rosy-cheeked and soft,
a rebirth of
innocence and perfection;
a renewal of
myself.

she... hmm, is "she," "you?"

an interesting poem, that life comes forth new each year, from the ashes of the old,
like a clean slate, starting new, fresh, facing the rising sun,
this is a new-years poem, isnt it?
haha,
I AM a bright crayon!

but the new person is not entirely new, but with a sense of experience from the old year, a new perspective, knowing more than she did before.

a "she is a wall" implies that she has learned form old mistakes, and used them to make herself stronger.

a very good poem in my views, a couple minor mechanical mistakes, but i'll let someone else complain abou them.

Peace,
God

I love the tone of this piece, as gentle and patient as the child I read into it. I thought it was a mother's perspective, but I wasn't sure. Not that I felt it mattered in this one though; the reader doesn't need to know who "she" is, I don't think.

One thing I wasn't wild about was the way the second stanza began mid-sentence while the third and fourth stanzas started with "she". I think I liked the first way better, and I wanted the repetition to be exactly the same in that part, to make things connect better, and also because the tone is one of simplicity, and that seems more fancy and complicated.

Great job! I really enjoyed this poem.
-BFG

Hey Adna! Stella here!

Some nitpicks as regarding spelling:

ak past life,

a, surely?

a perfet start,

perfect

a blameless mask on the past.

This, to my eyes, seems like a bad attempt at rhyming, which I know it isn't, but it does seem that way.

She is a wall

Aren't fences, not walls, made from wood?

to shild me from yesterday.

to shield.

Okay, as the BFG (awesome name ) said, the tone of this is beautifully gentle, bit like a Persil advert -I think it's Persil. But I'm interested in who is speaking: I like the idea of a mother, but is it something else? Perhaps make it a little clearer.

As lovely as your imagery is, remember that you are talking about a person. What are they like? Shy, gentle, pure... is it a baby? A friend? A child?

Overall I liked it -the no specific rhythm or rhyme made it simple, and your images were nice.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

*quote* a perfeCt start not perfet start had to point it out

She is

my phoenix,

rising from the ashes

of an old year,

ak past life,

a neglected child. She

There are some spelling mistakes here. ak should probably be a. But I'm sure that that was a typo. Also it would probably go better if you put She in the next stanza in front of is. I love the symbols here. How you compared her to the phoneix.

is a new shoot,

peeking over the snow--just before spring's thaw--

at a fresh, white world,

a second chance

a perfet start,

a blameless mask on the past.

Again, I think that She should be put before is on the first line. Also you only need to out one little dash instead of two between each word on the second line.

She is a wall

built from trees rough and old,

now made new

with varnish, and sand.

Built

to shild me from yesterday.

Again, I love the metaphors you use. And on the last line in this stanza, you had another typo. Its shield, not shild.

She is rosy-cheeked and soft.

She is the dawn.

The dawn is life-changing,

life's starting,

making life livable.

I am renewed for life.

Great way to end the poem.

Overall:

This poem was filled with imagery and metaphors. I love it and it definately deserves a gold star from me. Although, I noticed that you had alot, I mean quite a few grammar mistakes. Make sure to check the spelling before you post, because they were all silly mistakes. Keep up the good work!

Hey, Adna. As you requested.

One of the biggest blocks for me in this poem is the line-breaks. Some of them are haphazardly chosen and it disrupts the flow and enjoyment.

Here are my suggestions for changes, and also some extra comments:

She is my phoenix,
rising from the ashes of an old year, (an old year? sounds odd)
a past life,
a neglected child. She

is a new shoot,
peeking over the snow--just before spring's thaw-- (drop the dashes -- not needed.)
at a fresh, white world, (I'm leaning towards turning this into 'white fresh world' just because it sounds nicer)
a second chance,
a perfect start, (both second chance and perfect start are unoriginal. try and use some new language to express what you mean, otherwise it feels too familiar)
a blameless mask on the past. (not a great fan of this line.)

She is a wall
built from trees rough and old,
now made new with varnish and sand.(ick. 'now made new' doesn't sound great. remember poetry is as much about sound as words. drop the comma too)
Built to shield me
from yesterday.

She is rosy-cheeked and soft.
She is the dawn.
The dawn is life-changing,
life's starting,
making life livable.
I am renewed for life. (This last stanza is my least favourite. The first and second lines are boring, and the third repeats "the dawn" too soon. How is the dawn life-changing? What does it do? You then repeat life FOUR times in as many lines, and it's boring. You want to vary your language, otherwise it's just uninteresting. I would totally scrap this stanza, and at the moment it's ideas are unworkable without a fresh attempt.)

Overall: I enjoyed the ideas of the subject of the poem being a wall contrasted with her being soft. However, the language right now is fairly unoriginal and boring. Try and use fresh, new language to express your thoughts, rather than relying on words we see all the time. Poetry should aim to show the reader a new and radical way of expressing something. I think this is definitely salvageable into something better, and I wish you good luck on any revisions.