Topic ID: 27910
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 442
Reviews: 178
Country: Fantasy... DUH
562 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: Steal! |
 |
|
This is my 2nd!
Steal
It's so sweet how she looks at him,
I don't think anyone could care for him more.
I wonder why she doesn't take a chance,
it's likely she'll score.
When he's down, her heart sinks.
When he's elated, she's glad.
I wonder how dumb you have to be
not to notice she's mad.
Not mad as in crazy,
but head-over-heels.
It's time she take action
and steal.
Steal him away from the predator,
protect him from the hurt.
Dry up the tears.
Always loving; always alert.
Give him what he deserves;
what she deprived him of.
Help reverse the acid rain
she continuously poured from above.
Arch your back and let it rip.
Come on, it's time to fight!
Love sometimes calls for war,
you have every right. |
_________________
Having a Bad Day?
"May a thousand fleas infest the crotch
of the person who screwed up your day,
and give them too short of arms to scratch." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: ooo. |
|
|
The rhyming was well pulled off in this!
The story was great.
Not much to complain about! I loved it! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kenpachi Masamune
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 74
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
It rhymed and was sort of cute, but the subject was bland and rather boring. It was unoriginal and that made me look at it a little more harshly with a 'here we go again' approach. The form is easy and really shallow, all the emotions are mirrored and a bit confusing at some points.
Give him what he deserves;
what she deprived him of.
Help reverse the acid rain
she continuously poured from above.
Uh... this is to the 'predator'? Otherwise it doesn't seem to make much since and it is rather ambiguous. The last three stanzas are a call to a fight as love rivals, but something about the way you did it doesn't set as right with me. It feels incomplete and lacking a stanza about this competitor. |
_________________
Blank Chapters 1-5 at:
http://kenpachimasamune.page.tl/
Check it out!
You found Ghostie! ๏̯͡๏) |
|
| Back to top |
|
casey_kent
God-breathed warrior♥♥♥
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 786
Reviews: 126
Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare
414 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
I liked it.
They rhyming was cute and I think that it really fits in the poem. |
_________________
Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship.
-
I may not be perfect but Jesus thinks I'm to die for. 
-
"Imagination is a world where the impossible exists." -Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
thanatosdeath
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 14 May 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
Great tale, and rhyming! I must say I'm impressed, maybe you'll make it big time in the big leagues of the world!
Death |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| i really loved this poem...the rhyming was awesome and the whole idea was great. sure its a story told many times over but it just doesnt seem to get old cause everyone has their own way of interpriting it. really cute!! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Lord Anzius
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 608
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
333 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Resieved a gold star. Instant gold.
great work.. I can't come up with anything... I think I have used up my criticue power for today or this was just perfect.
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
_________________
Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
